just a query

[tmps]

what do you do when your feeling down and lonely? im in a relationship and moved from the country to city over a year ago and been with my partner for almost a year. lately he has gotten a new job and met up with an old friend from primary school, they have been talking everyday since and he has been sneaking around messaging her and lying to me. i trust him and know he wont cheat on me...but the thing is when he first saw her he felt the urge to sleep with her (he never followed through and claims the feelings have gone) but when i try to talk to him he jacks up and says that maybe he shouldnt tell me anything coz i will yell at him. i have been hurt in the past in relationships and a little worried it will happen again so yeh i do get a little jealous.
he also has an issue with the fact that i've been with other males and i was his first, i try and tell him that it was the past but he just doesnt leave it there. what can i do to reassure him? and the feelings i have with his friend what should i do?

[Brandye]

Think long and hard about this relationship.

[sera300]

I think you are sitting around waiting for the wrong thing. I would be reconsidering my relationship.

[HardNgood]

Originally Posted by tmps

he has been sneaking around messaging her and lying to me. i trust him and know he wont cheat on me...but the thing is when he first saw her he felt the urge to sleep with her (he never followed through and claims the feelings have gone) but when i try to talk to him he jacks up and says that maybe he shouldnt tell me anything coz i will yell at him.?

DING DING DING DING DING DING can your hear the alarm bells?
He "claims" the feelings have gone,but he is contacting her with some regularity. He trys to guilt you into NOT asking him about it by threatening he'll limit information to you so that you don't ask more questions and make him uncomfortable...DUMP HIM now and go get a fresh life!

[sex_advizer]

Originally Posted by tmps

what do you do when your feeling down and lonely? im in a relationship and moved from the country to city over a year ago and been with my partner for almost a year. lately he has gotten a new job and met up with an old friend from primary school, they have been talking everyday since and he has been sneaking around messaging her and lying to me. i trust him and know he wont cheat on me...but the thing is when he first saw her he felt the urge to sleep with her (he never followed through and claims the feelings have gone) but when i try to talk to him he jacks up and says that maybe he shouldnt tell me anything coz i will yell at him. i have been hurt in the past in relationships and a little worried it will happen again so yeh i do get a little jealous.
he also has an issue with the fact that i've been with other males and i was his first, i try and tell him that it was the past but he just doesnt leave it there. what can i do to reassure him? and the feelings i have with his friend what should i do?

maybe he is sneaking around messaging her because he wants to still be in contact and friends with her but because of your jealousy and wearies you are not letting him.... from what you say it sounds like you have comfronted him about this and stated you dont like him talking to her. but you know that wont happen so the sneaking would start because he wants to keep in contact but you are not allowing him to do so, so to talk to his friend he has to sneak around.

do you keep bringing up the fact you have been with others? as this could crush him vigorously. i was in the same boat as him, my ex partner had been with around 4 other guys before me and i was her first... it crushed me to know that others had penetrated her and it felt to me like i was sloppy seconds (or 5ths in this case) everytime she mentioned one of the partners, or dates she had been with them or anything. it crushed me inside.. We never really lasted because of the fact that i wanted to experience more and well, she was ready to settle down because she had experienced and had fun and now was ready to settle down and begin a long-term... but i hadn't experienced, i didn't know what the world had to offer, i was confined to one area and it felt like i was trapped.

though not talking for everyone in this situation i do kind of understand where he and u are coming from, morso him.

believe it or not it is harder for him to live with the fact you have been with others than it is for you to live with being with others..

he had saved himself for you... what part did you save for him? see this is what makes it unbalanced if he is not happy with the fact of you having numerous partners...

hope all goes well!! and untimately it's your decision no-one on these forums can decide for u!

[tmps]

sex advizor,
in answer yes i do bring it up about my experience but i dont mean to. i can understand where he is coming from and in that i dont want to lose him, i know i have to take a step back and allow him to be friends with her, i do trust him and i know its just my jealously. i know that at one stage everyone will think of someone else...but know that they wont ever get with the person coz they love their partner. the fact that he told me is a sign that he wants to be honest with me and i know it would have been hard and i do appreciate it. can males and females just be friends? i use to think yes...im not sure

[sex_advizer]

the reason he thinks of others is because he is curious of what it would be like to feel/be with another girl and see what another girl looks like. which i think is quite understandable considering u have been with multiple partners and experienced that.

can males and females just be friends?

well i think u answered that with your previous history.... yes they can. i bet u have a best friend whom u haven't touched but then again i dont know. its unrelated... the point is yes and yes friends can lead into more if nature takes its coarse..

in answer yes i do bring it up about my experience but i dont mean to.

This has to stop if you want to continue to be with this person... the more my ex brought it up the more i wanted to be with someone else because of the fact i wanted to experience.. when she never brought it back the feelings went down and well only arose when something sparked a memory or what not.


I feel a few things you could do.
A) which works for some but not all but then again its up 2 u. A pass for him to be with someone to get over this sexual fantasy or whatever. (again u dont have to pick this some just choose it, some its not for others)
B) try to have a 3-some or other so also he can experience someone else and get over this situation.
C) take a 'break' from him and then hope later once he is 'settled' you get back on track. though this one can be quite risky but does work if he really loves u.


There are a few options u may think are crap, good, the worst. whatever.. these are what some people choose.

Now, the problem with your relationship at the moment is it is unbalanced.

lets just say you have been with five (5) others to his zero (0) in other words 5 does not equal 0 or is not even close to 0 which means that you have 'tried before buyed' and he has only had a sample in relation to your many.

He may feel like he wants to 'try' others like you have to be sure and just to experience as after all, you do only live once.. It is good he will never cheat on you but it is NOT GOOD for him to be thinking about your past, being angry and frustrated about it and having it hurt him as it will continue to do that whilst your still with him.

I am not asking you to break up with him because from what i gather u love him and he loves u but he will not be able to forget about your past and it will hurt him.

If he experienced another this may change, it may not... but at the moment nothing will change his frame of mind and lets just say he will always wander 'what it would be like'.

It's all up to you now. Consider your options, maybe come up with some of your own and discuss them with him. after all i don't think you want to lose him as you have found 'the life partner' according to you.

Hope all goes well for you tmps.. any other queries or questions feel free to post and i will answer to best of my ability as i have been in this situation before.

[tmps]

ok well i have given those options and he has turned them down. he doesnt want to be with anyone else, which i think is terrific, he could ever do that coz he'd feel bad and hate himself thats the sort of person he is. i mentioned those suggestions and he bluntly turned them down coz he isnt interested.

[sex_advizer]

Originally Posted by tmps

ok well i have given those options and he has turned them down. he doesnt want to be with anyone else, which i think is terrific, he could ever do that coz he'd feel bad and hate himself thats the sort of person he is. i mentioned those suggestions and he bluntly turned them down coz he isnt interested.

ok, it could have been he turned them down because he didn't want to lose you. but in the same token really wishes he had of accepted them. i do not know. another reason why he might have turned them down is because he did not know if you would be with him if he took any of the offers... like if he said yes he did not know if u would leave him or not. might play another factor.

anyway does he seem happy at the moment or a bit down about things and a bit wanderous.

you could even try offering them to him again if you have the strength to do so and see what he says...

anyhow like i said it seems like your relationship is unbalanced and seems like it needs something to balance it all out.