I'm not sure what to think

[closet_monster]

So I have been with this woman for a long time now. Were moving in with each other in a month and all is good. We have had are ups and downs as any relationship does. When I first met her, she said she was never getting married or having kids, etc. I come from a very religious family and in most cases I'm a let down to them. Call me old fashioned but I want to get married and have a family one day. As the relationship went on. She asked one night how I would raise my kids and what not and she spilled, well of course i'm gonna have kids and she knows that getting married is immportant and she has warmed up to it. Says it doesn't scare her as much as it used to. Anyway, the other day we were talking and I asked what her sisters lastname was seeing she had married. And she told me and then said "by the way I'm keeping my lastname" Now this did bother me for many reasons. Call me old fashioned, but her dad and mother divorsed and she hates her dad to a certain degree, so it just seams odd she would want his name. When I brought it up after being in a wierd mood all day, she was pissed and couldn't believe I was upset over that. She said she was joking, but that it's her choice. So I don't think she was joking. She isn't religous. When we get married she doesn't want it in a church or anything religous. I'm totally fine with that. But It just seams anything remotely traditional, etc. She shoots down and I'm not sure what to make of it. There is a new surprise ever so often. Am I making any sense?

[Brandye]

You two need some pre-marital counselling. Not the religious type, though there is nothing wrong with that, but you have some really big communication issues to work out.

[sera300]

Was she ever married before? Perhaps watching her parents divorce influenced her feelings on marriage?

Does it make sense? Yeap, it's her way of self-preservation and a way to maintain self-identity. If she really does not want to change her name hyphenate it on the marriage certificate.

Just have an open discussion to see if you are both on the same page for a future, neither of you want to be disappointed by the other's decision or have a last minute surprise.

Don't allow religion to get in the way of a happy relationship, your family will adjust, trust me. What are they going to do? Disown you? They may not care for the decision but they learn to adjust you are their son.

[closet_monster]

Don't get me wrong, I really don't care about anything religous as far as this goes. I have certain values due to how I was raised, but that doesn't really matter. I don't care what my parents think and I do know my mother will always be ther no matter what. It's just a lot of things have happened and i think that added to it. She has not been married before, but She was in a 4-5 on and off relationship with a guy and it messed her up. He was an alcohalic. And ZI understand that it wasn't fare to her. She is four years older than me and a t first she was worried about me being younger and what not and she didn't want to hold me back. But because of what I find immportant I don't want to be running around doing stupid stuff and she knows that now and age is no longer an issue. I must admitt I had a messed up childhood and I think to much. I can't help it. She has been with a lot more guys than i have girls, I run into these guys on a daily bases. And one night we went to her friends bf's party and we were all drinking and she got upset with me outside the bar. Sometimes she is ok when I drink around her, sometimes not. This was a 'not' night. I understand that this ex bf messed her up and i try to be as understanding as I can. She went on to get really mad at me and say she was tired of all this s#$% and proceeded to call me her ex's name. I was so mad due to the fact I have been there for this girl and I know she has been hurt, but to be compared to that guy hurt me. I walked. Walked half way home and thought no, I'm not leaving her there with her friends. I went back cause I didn't want to be unfare to her. She felt bad and I didn't need to add to it. I guess it's just stuff like that has happened and then to hear that she didn't want my last name, I guess it just played with the I'm not good enough and her fathers lastname who she doesn't respect is. She has told me she thinks I'm insecure when I bring stuff up like this but,, sometimes I really don't know what she is thinking. She has tried to get me to break up with her 3 times cause I'm better off she says, but she is thankful when I don't leave. I love her and want to be there for her. I just don't know if I'm being stupid. i don't think I am, but she deffinately thought so.

[sera300]

Get to some counseling w/her. As Brandye states pre-marital and non-religious. She has issues and tries to push you away out of fear, you have to get through this before you get married and a good counselor can help you communicate openly.

You sound patient, rational, and not a push over. Just hang in there but get her to go through counseling you need more of a foundation & less insecurity issues cropping up at inappropriate times.

If this is not addressed it will get worse when you are living together & married.

The sir name thing, like I said just hyphenate it if she feels that strongly about it. I look at it this way, it's just a name it's not your true identity as a married couple. Just my opinion.

[closet_monster]

All I know is that I love her and I don't want to complicate anything. She tells me to come to her when something is bothering me, but in most cases. I am out of line in her eyes and she thinks i'm being stupid and/or insecure. I guess I'll try what u reccomended.

[sera300]

She is insecure and expecting you not to be. See a good counselor & good luck!

[closet_monster]

I don't think she is insecure. She has good head on her shouldars and she knows what she wants. Maybe we don't want the same things. I dunno, I just don't know if she would go for this counciling thing cause she thinks i need councling cause i let stuff like this bother me. She says to let things go and not to worry so much. I just want the best for us and I think she thinks I'm immamture when I bring stuff like this up. Am I being stupid? Is it wrong for these kind of things to put me in a bad mood? She was mad at me for being upset. I just want to be normal. And I want it to be with her.

[sera300]

If she was not insecure she would not be pulling the nonsense she is! She would be confident. She is pushing you away at times b/c she believes you will eventually leave her...so she'd rather make you break up w/her. The behavior from the ex, is manifesting itself in your relationship, she is insecure. She may have a good head on her shoulders but inside there are some issues. And dismissing your feelings, is not helping either. You both need to learn to talk better and feel good about your future! Neither one is wrong but neither one is right! Tell her you want to go to a counselor to communicate better....tell her it's what you are asking her to do for YOU BOTH!

[EvilEvilKitten]

You BOTH have to go if the counseling is to have any chance of helping you.