what do you think?

[cynical1]

hi you guys! i need a little advise... i'm 19 turning 20 in may and my boyfriend is 24 going on 25. We started dating on new years day of 06! It's been a year and 4 months now and we've had our ups and downs. I love him very much, and i know that he loves me to. However, throughout our relationship we have suffered triumphs that i feel may be unrepairable. 3 months after we moved in together he became addicted to cocaine and was very distant when it came to me and his friends. He would single me out and there was much verbal abuse. I'm not perfect though, i did have guys friends that he disapproves of all together that i talked with behind his back. After 7 months , we both came clean and i moved out. He shortly quit his job, which was a main influence of his addiction, and moved in with me. And not to sound too dramatic or anything, but while all of the above events took place, i must mention the temper problem that he has. I didn't experience the full affect of it until about 5 months into the relationship. Before that he would just yell, punch walls, and call names, but it got bad later. Now, he has been prescribed to high blood pressure meds to help with his condition (which the doctor said would help make him less hi-strung), he long been through and off of his cocaine abuse, and now he wants to make our relationship last. Now, i'm not saying that i can't forgive him, but i do feel that through the emotional roller coasters of this relationship, i have lost much hope. I do love him, but i feel as though being with him is like putting salt on wounds. I hate feeling indecisive!!! any opinions would be truly appreciated.
He wrote a while back:
"In my mind I am at a point where I know i want to stay together and build a life with her! We can work through anything life throws at us it seems! She on the other hand has had mixed feelings about our future"
some days i can see myself without him, but there are times that i dont want to. These feelings are coming from somewhere i'm sure, i just need to maybe hear opinions from outside the box.

-Cynical1-


ps- one of the logical aspects of the above post that might explain my feelings of fulfillment is that he hasn't had a job since around November and as much as i support him in any of his goals, i feel as though he won't be able to provide me with an equal playing field. Such as, i want a good job, nice things, good values for my children, and as for him..... i know he wants these things, but he is not putting forth any effort. i attend college full time and work a job part time, and i feel that even though he says "I'm Trying" almost every other day, that he's not putting forth much effort. what are we going to do when i'm out of college? he didn't attend college, but he has a wonderful trade as a carpenter that he learned from his father. He's just not applying himself, and i can't help but feel sometimes that he just doesn't love me or himself enough to make something of himself. No i'm not better than him in any way, he's a wonderful man, but i do feel like i'm putting in more effort than i'm recieving. (sighs*) i know that he loves me and he has dreams of us spending our lives together, but they are only dreams that he's not helping to make reality!!!
please let me know what you think.


also, in response to sera300, he has already been to anger management, it's more or less a lack of control. besides, his temper has improved in the last 4 months, but i'm dealing with the aftermath and the question of IF I WANT TO DEAL with his temper.. -cynical1

[sera300]

Until he seeks some serious help (therapy) for his anger management get away and stay away. As you have seen it begins with some arguments and escalates, until he has lost control & he will strike you. Just taking meds for BP control is not enough...

Additionally, there is a reason for his substance abuse issue weather using or recovering this needs to be addressed.

[cynical1]

god bless all!

[Brandye]

Cocaine and verbal abuse. Leave!

[PrettyPussy]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Cocaine and verbal abuse. Leave!

I couldn't agree more. It is not, nor will it ever be worth it to stay. The faster you get out, the better. I was in a similar relaationship for 4 years, I still look back and think, why would you put yourself through that? Not only is he not treating you right, but you aren't either if you stay. Just think of it as the faster you get out, the longer you will have to enjoy the better things/ guys in life that will come along.

[cynical1]

i agree 100% on the matter............ so then why am i having so many doubts. i got my key back from him this morning and when we are mad, it's soooo easy to stand up for myself without feeling any pity or regret. i just can't see why in the hell i have such a hard time doing it when i'm not mad at him.????!!!

[Brandye]

Well, you have an imagination. Keep the anger up until you get him gone.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You feel regrets for what might have been and you also fear that you're being a bitch. NEVERMIND all of that! This is the rest of your life you are trying to save here! If you have to - get a restraining order against him. Then stay clear of him and guys like him.

[Say Hey]

I would say that you need to be very causious in this situation. Anger management is great, but not always effective especially if he is still doing drugs. Once and addict always an addict and if he is not ready to get help then you may need to leave. Love may cover a multitude of sins, but abuse is abuse whether it is against himself i.e. drugs and anger or against you i.e. mental and/or physical. Also, sounds like he is leaching off of you. I would say get out before it is too late.