Being unfaithful???

[bruins76]

Would you work on your marriage if you found out that your husband was leading a double life w/ another woman for 2+ years? Keep in mind, the husband is willing to work things out, everything is on the table, the double life has ended. You've talked to the "other woman" & you know that it's over. Your spouse has come clean & wants to make the marriage work. Also, there are kids involved & you don't want a dysfunctional family.

Let's just say, I always thought that "if" I found out that someone cheated on me, I'd be gone in a second... now that I am actually in the situation, I am torn. I love this man w/ all my heart. The hard part is that had he not been caught, how much longer would the affair had lasted? There is a lot more details to this but I am not sure if I can ever trust him again.

Since the issue is on the table, his phone is no longer on vibrate, he has me answer it, he's a different man, more emotional & more physical w/ me. I think it's a combo of not playing "games" anymore.

The part that sucks (although I am glad in a way) is now my DH is seriously insecure, goes through my phones, emails, you name it. I think he thinks that cause he cheated, I am going to do the same. Although it's a thought, I'd NEVER do it. I'd leave before I do that.

I am not worried about our lives, the house is in my name, I am not scared but we have 3 kids together, 1 is seriously disabled, neurological damage, a lot going on. I hate to make my kids go through 1 more thing in their lives, like a divorce. I don't want a family that is torn apart but I don't want to live a lie either.

I've already told him "I discovered your lies & you can't get thing's past me, I will find out & if I ever find out that you lied, not cheated but just lied, it's over, your gone, out"...

I don't know if I am an idiot or just determined to try to salvage this marriage. Am I delusionaly for thinking this can work after all the mess he's made???

[Invader_Akira]

I know this is probably gonna sound stupid, but what is DH? I'm new to forums and that's the first that I've seen that. Anyway, is he still seeing the chick?

[bruins76]

It means Darling Husband.

[Invader_Akira]

I knew it! That's what I call my husband.

[tomcat]

Wow! My advice to you is go with your heart. You said you love him, but does he love you? Not the kids but YOU. I understand you don't want to hurt your kids, but do you think it is healthy for them to be around parents that don't love or trust each other? I also understand you don't want them to know about the other woman. Good luck. tomcat

[bruins76]

Yes he does love me. He has a problem, antisocial personality disorder, not that it's an excuse for his past behavior, but there is a reason behind "why" & "how"...

It is going to be hard to trust him again, I told him that, I didn't make any promises that I could or would like I used too. That trust is "earned" and he has to re-earn my trust all over again. But regardless of time, efforts & therapy, he will never regain our love in the innocents that I once valued us. Him hearing that hurts him a lot, but it's his fault for that, not mine.

I am going to make an effort to "try" but I am skeptical of how he will be. I told him that if he ever lies to me, I will find out & that will be it. No more "free passes"... Now he's freaking out, going through my stuff & trying to look at my phone calls. He can search & look all he wants, he'll never find anything cause I've done nothing. I guess when you do something wrong to someone, you automatically think that the person who's been hurt is going for revenge. Although I've thought of it, I am not in high school, I don't have time for games or drama. I have a family, kids, 1 who is sick mind you, my energy is elsewhere. I have bigger fish to fry.

I really hope he's going to make a change. To be honest, ever since all was out of the table, he's a different person, in a good way. His phones are no longer on vibrate, they ring, he wants me to answer them, he doesn't take them into the bathroom anymore, he leaves them on the chargers. He's more affectionate, he is more emotional all around. He call's more through out the day, telling me how he misses me, loves' me etc. Again, not sure if this is long term but he is making efforts & I do like them. I hope that he does change his ways, only HE can make that change, I can't force it & I don't want too. I already said "I don't need you in my life but I want you in it, but I wont force you if you are wanting out"... he claims he wants "in" and he is wanting our family to be complete. We shall see, only time will tell. I'll proceed w/ open eyes.

~C

[foxdan]

My ex wife had an affair; I forgave and tried to forget.
To save face for her we moved to a new town and made new friends.
After a few years she was back at it, counseling change ect can only help for w short period.(a leopard never changes its spots)

Now if my new wife did it I will divorce he right away as much as I love her because if she loved me she will never have done it in the first place and hurt me

[bruins76]

They say the best prediction of the future is past behavior. At least according to Dr. Phil.

I REALLY hope that's not the case & that my DH uses this opportunity to be good. I know his father cheated on his mother for the entire 24+ years that they were married & the moment he turned 18 he left her. He's no remarried, cheating on his new wife but paying allimony to his ex wife.

My therapist says that you learn a certain behavior as you are raised in that environment. DH claims that he never cheated on his ex wife that he was married too for 7 years, he never even thought of it. He said "as awful as our marriage was, as much as we fought, I made a commitment & took that seriously". Then I said "then what happened w/ us?" he has no excuse, in fact, all he can say is "I made a mistake, I was dumb, I lied, I cheated, I'll never do that again." so he's not even trying to make an excuse for his actions, which is good. If he said "oh, I wasn't getting enough sex at home" or "I was getting attention to my ego"... then I'd be pissed but he's not making excuses, he's saying "I was/am stupid"... I've never seen him so upset & scared, I don't know if it's because he was caught or because he is sincere.

I believe a person can love you & make a mistake like cheating/lying. I don't think it's right, but it's possible. I just think if it become's a pattern & you allow the pattern to continue, it will never change. Which is why I've put my foot down, insisted on therapy & flat out said "next time, you're gone!". Sure I love him, but not enough to let someone walk all over me "just because"...

I am more valuable than that & have no desire to show my boys that a relationship or a marriage is based on lies & cheating. I want to raise my boys to respect the woman in their lives, to honor them, not use or lie to them. I am sure that they will make mistakes, but I hope that the morals I discuss will eventually make them open their eyes to see how hurting people like that is not okay. As long as they are open & honest, I don't care what they do, but to lie to someone & hurt someone & think it's okay, well...let's just say I wont tolerate that in my kids. No matter how old they are. And I wont stick up for that either or cover up for them.

[LittleFury]

If we had kids, then yes, I would try to work it out, after of course he completely cuts off any contact with the said woman and produced a clear bill of health for both of them.
If there were no kids, he'd be out of the house as fast as I can file the court papers, and I can do that in 1 day by myself.
Yes, the kids would be the only deciding factor. And the only reason that I would allow an oath breaker to remain in my house and in my life.

[bruins76]

All contact has been finished. I know this because I be-friended his little "gal pal" & she is BEGGING for him to call her & try to get "answers"... any who... I made him change his cell #'s, I have access to them all & will know if he call's her or visa versa. We've changed our home phone #... I have complete utter confidence that he's no longer speaking to HER. I just hope that there will be no more "HER"'s otherwise he is out on the streets.

We are re-newing our vows next weekend, for a clean slate... we've gotten new wedding bands w/ the new date on them too. Because I want a new begining in hopes that he get's it & in the vows it discusses our bond w/ our family/children & that faithfullness is the main key to our marriage, no lies etc. If that doesn't work, then nothing else will.

I've chosen to keep this secret from my family, although my friends are fully aware of him straying. His family is aware, in fact, they knew before me... I've called them all on it AND told them that I no longer respect or care for them as they came to my home & acted like nothing was wrong when I was in the process of caring for a disabled child. Made me sick, still does. His mother actually said to me "I never said my son was perfect"... and I replied "no, but you DID tell me that you wanted me to take care of your son, make sure he didn't get hurt AND you didn't want to see him go through a horrible experience as he did with his ex wife when they divorced". So to me, this woman tried to make me out to be the one that could hurt her son when she knew 100% for sure that he was unfaithful to ME while I was at home caring for our sick son & by her bedside while she was in the hospital having a blood transfusion & dying w/ a breathing tube for the entire months of December, and January... while he was out screwing some other hussy.

Any who... I am not tolerating that trash in my life, I've put my foot down. I've made some SERIOUS demands w/ consequences if they are broken AND I am no longer going to be close to those who have betrayed me (MIL, FIL) cause I don't want liars in my life or people who try to cover up for liars, disgusting!

I do hope that he makes a serious change, if he doesn't, then his ass is OUT! Kids or not, I wont care if there is a next time.