Help...please

[lbh1971]

The end of this month I will be married 14 years. Last week I found out my husband cheated on me. He and her swear it was a one time only ordeal. I don't know yet what to do but last night he & I had the best sex we have had in years.....and I mean years. I admit, our sex life was stagnant at best and I never wanted it. All day today, I want nothing more than to go in there and work him over. I need new ways to keep him interested in me and keep him focused on me. At this point I am willing to try just about anything. does anyone have any suggestions?

[Beans518]

Maybe that desire right there is a good start. What made you not interested in having sex with him? At the same time he could have told you how he felt before he cheated. He didn't even give you a chance to fix the situation he acted on his own behalf and didn't consider your feelings at all. You need to discuss all of this with him.A relationship is a two way street and if he doesn't express his needs to you how will you know.

[lbh1971]

I wish I had a good answer for you but I don't. He did tell me about three months ago that things needed to change. He never told me what those changes needed to be and most of the time I felt that he really didn't want to work on the relationship. Now, I just want the intimacy and I'm sure I am just going throuh emotions of dealing with a cheating husband wanting to make sure I am still desirable.

[bruins76]

I've BTDT, I know what it's like to be "lied" too and "cheated" on.

To make it work, the person who has made the mistake (lied, cheated) has to WANT to make it work. That means therapy, answering questions you may have, dealing w/ you wanting to know when & where he is at all times, hearing "I'm sorry" when you need too...until.

When I say "until" I mean, until you are over it, if you ever can get over it/past it. You can forgive someone, but it's hard to forget. That's the complication here. When you can't forget (and it's hard cause it's happened & you know that it has), your mind plays tricks on you, you go crazy, you snoop through papers, pockets, look at phone bills/records, you do it all, you cry, scream & flip out at the drop of a hat. One minute you're okay, you forget it & then something will happen that will make you "recall" something & you'll go nuts.

It's hard for the "cheater/liar" to understand this cause they think "she/he's forgiven me, all is well".... but it's not, never will be. There is a part of the relationship that will never be the way it was b/c of the lie/cheating that was done. Just the way it is.

The point I am trying to make, I am still going through this now, not a second, minute, hour, day or week goes by that I don't get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Am I crazy? I don't think so. Wanna know why? Cause when I had a "gut feeling" that something wasn't right last Father's day, I was told that I was "crazy" (just had a baby) & was being insecure. I was made to look nuts, I was made to look like I had the problem when in fact all he was doing was turning things around to make ME look like the crazy one even though he was doing the lying/cheating.

I just flipped out the other day. He swears that he no longer talks to her, that he's cut all ties, I do NOT believe him, not for one second. He said to me "how can you get past this?" again, making me look like "I" was the one w/ the problem. I looked at him straight in the eye w/ tear's rolling down my face (this past Sat.) & said "do you think I like feeling this way? it hurts...you hurt me, you did this to me, you are the one who betrayed me, you are the one who made the choice to lie to me. Trust is EARNED, not a given & you can't expect me to just trust you like nothing ever happened, doesn't work that way. I so much want to not feel this anymore, I want to not look at your cell phone & want to freak out & wonder, but I can't help it cause of what you did".

What I am trying to say... there is nothing you can do to make these insecurities go away, nothing. It's always going to be in the back of your mind. Can you live that way is the question. If you can, then you can get through it, if you can't, then you'll have to leave/part ways. Right now the lie/cheating was so recent that I am not sure if I can tolerate it. I know for a fact that "if" he EVER does it again, even once, at all, he's out...period the end & I've told him this. The thing is, maybe in another year or two I'll still feel this way (regardless of his fidelity) and perhaps I may or may not be able to do it anymore. I may not be able to continue...basically I have no answer to that right now. But I can say that I hate feeling this way. I hope it does get better, I hope he proves me wrong, I hope that we can work through this, I really do, for the sake of our committment & children I do...but again, I know I can't live w/ this raw feeling in the pit of my stomach for the rest of my life.

I don't know if what I've said or wrote has helped you. But know that you are NOT alone. Do NOT allow this man to make you feel like you are the crazy one, that you are at fault. NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE deserves to feel this way, go through this & have this trust taken away. Let him know what this has done to you, your life, your trust & how and if you can get past this, it's going to be on YOUR terms. If he doesn't agree to comply w/ your needs, it's time to move on cause that means he's not sorry & not willing to repair your trust/marriage.

I hope that he does wake up, I hope he does realize the mistake that he made. If he doesn't, you deserve better & you need to move on. I wish you the best & pray that you find happiness (even if it's not w/ your husband).

GL, HIH
~C

[EvilEvilKitten]

The essential question remains: do you want him or not?

If you want him, then take him and make damn sure he knows in his bones that HE IS YOURS period. And do NOT ever let your marriage fall by the wayside including the wild rampant sex that most men would kill for ever again.

If you don't want him, then divorce him and do it now.

And bruins: just cut the man loose already! You do NOT need him.