TORN and CONFUSED

[Beans518]

I have what I consider a serious problem.O.K. here is the story. I've been with my fiancee for 5 years now. I love him with all of my heart, but I'm also in love with someone else. Is this possible? Actually I think I'm in love with the sex with him. Like I said I love my fiancee but the sex with him leaves something to be desired. 6 months ago my fiancee read an IM from a girlfriend that I tured to for advice about the bad sex. He was really upset because he claimed that he did not know the sex was bad. Since then nothing has changed. The sex with him is still only 3-5 minutes . There is never a round 2. I only get that one chance. The other person(Who is also the father of my child) wants to start a fling but he is also in a relationship. Am I wrong for wanting to have sex with another person? How can I put these feelings behind me? Should I be willing to risk everything for2 hours of MIND BLOWING SEX!? Is it okay and can you be polyamorous when the third person is in the dark about the whole situation? PLEASE HELP!

[Brandye]

Not for long, you cannot. What is the old country western song? You and your past and maybe future sex partner, with a g/f, each need to make decisions and live with them.

[toyfairy]

Deffinition-
Polyamory is a descriptive term for the practice of being open to more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time, with full knowledge and consent by everyone involved.

So by deffinition the answer to your question is no. It is nothing but cheating if the 3rd party is not in on the whole deal.

However the things that are wrong in the relationship can be fixed. First of all you should have told him that you were not satisfied with your sex life. He can't try to fix anything that he isn't aware of. If you can't communicate with him why would you plan to marry him? It also seems to me that you aren't trying to help him over come his sexual issues and are quick to jump into bed with someone else to satisfy your sexual cravings. How is that fair to your relationship with him? I do understand your problems and I too have been there once. You need to decide what is more important to you. Your relationship with him maybe ruined forever if he finds that you have cheated on him. If he is important enough to you to marry him then he should be that important to try to help him through his problem and build your relationship with him. Otherwise let him go so that he can be with someone that can be faithful to him.

[Beans518]

OK. I have told him over the years that I wasn't satisfied. MANY MANY TIMES. How long am I supossed to say lets try this or let's do this before I get tired and give up. All of our conversations about this always ends with the same conclusion; 3 minute sex. It's been 5 years! I am so frustrated I could cry. I am the one willing to do all the changing. Now he gets upset when there is no climax but turns over and goes to sleep. How can I fix this? How can I help him through this when he's not willing to try? Also I'm not that quick to jump in the bed with someone else. It's been 5 1/2 years. Also that's why I'm seeking advice on how I can make things better.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Whatever you do, do NOT marry this guy. It is well past time for you to be moving on. Often relationship issues cannot be solved and it is best to simply say goodbye. Spending years in a unsatisfactory relationship - face it! if you had really wanted to marry him, you would have by now - is no excuse to continue it. It's leave or face the REST OF YOUR LIFE with this same situation.

Say goodbye and move on.

[Zan]

has your fiancee atleast tried to improve himself sexually? it isnt too hard to do so when both ppl involved work on it together, if not, why dont you tell him you need/want it to last longer, and be straight forward and honest, so he knows where he stands and the situation.

"Often relationship issues cannot be solved and it is best to simply say goodbye." to that i disagree, i see it as easier to say goodbye, thats true, but with work, love and dedication to eachother you can overcome most issues, and when/if you do, everything seems much brighter and so much better, fighting the issues together can bring you much closer.

[toyfairy]

Ok I kind of apollogize...in a way sort of. You stated in your 1st post that he said he didn't know that the sex was bad. I think I have a better understanding of your issues now.

I totally agree with EvilKitten that you shouldn't marry him. If you are having problems now they will only get worse. Especially if he is aware there is a problem and hasn't tried to fix anything. If you do decide to sleep with the other person (or anyone else) then you should let him know that this isn't working for you first. He might not be perfect but he deserves to not be cheated on. Break it off first.

[sera300]

Sexual compatability is important in relationships; if you are have these doubts now they are not going to get better after you are married. If something bothers you before marriage it's amplified 100x during a marriage.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Zan she's tried for 5 years now - how much more do you want her to do? The guy hasn't stepped up. Time for her to say goodbye and good luck!

[dancingdoc2]

> has your fiancee atleast tried to improve himself sexually?

Zan, did you read the entire thread before posting?

> it isnt too hard to do so when both ppl involved work on it together, if not, why dont you tell him you need/want it to last longer, and be straight forward and honest, so he knows where he stands and the situation.

The man has turned both a deaf ear and his back to her in bed. Easy or not, this sends an unmistakable message.

This man is apparently unaware of or has not heard the saying that "if Mama a'int happy, ain't nobody happy". He seems to be stereotyped with the attitude and behavior of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. He's bedded the gal so why put forth any more effort into the relationship. The guy needs a wake up call, although, with his deaf ear, I'm not sure it would do any good.

One or the other of you needs to head for the front door, bag and baggage in tow.

Originally Posted by Zan

"Often relationship issues cannot be solved and it is best to simply say goodbye." to that i disagree, i see it as easier to say goodbye, thats true, but with work, love and dedication to eachother you can overcome most issues, and when/if you do, everything seems much brighter and so much better, fighting the issues together can bring you much closer.

When/if seems to be at the core of the matter. "When" hasn't happened in five years and "if" doesn't seem like it will in the next five should she choose to stick it out. That said, why stick around? IMHO, Beans, cut your losses, chalk this up to experience, and find a more compatible guy with a more willing spirit.