Other Ways to Turn on Hubby

[warmbody]

Hi!
I'm a newbie here and this is my first time doing this so please don't be to hard on me! I hope this isn't too long and I don't sound pathetic. I have some issues with my hubby that I just don't know how to deal with or what to do. Our sex life is in the pits and getting worse all the time. Hubby is 62 recent bi-pass surgery ( has not affected his want for sex), but he takes a lot of meds. I'm 50, healthy, used to love sex, but am starting to look at it as a chore. It used to be that pretty much anything goes for me, but not with him. He never initiates sex. He always leaves it up to me to turn him on. But there isn't much that turns him on anymore. He spends hours every day either in x rated video chat rooms (sometimes I will sit there with him), or playing poker online, or in front of the TV. I have tried the sexy dancing, strip tease, lap dances, and talking dirty to him, and very often get no response. The only thing that still turns him on is when I talk about some of my past experiences when I was very very young, or sometimes the other couple that we had a foursome with. There is never any foreplay on his part. I practically have to beg for the slightest bit of affection outside of sex. There's rarely any hugging, kissing or touching. I'm just supposed to turn us both on.
We constantly get into fights about the lack of sex, but it's not because I don't want it. It's because I have no imagination and can't think of anything new or different to do to turn him on. And then he gets angry. He won't let me give him oral, even though he knows I enjoy it, until he's already turned on. He says that's the easy way out. There's no showering together, or food he's not into that. Toys - tried it he said no thanks. No bondage or blindfold he's closterphobic, once in a blue moon he will spank me or tie me up, but rarely. And he has to be really turned on for me to get that! He just gets so angry because he doesn't get enough sex, that he will give me the silent treatment, threaten to leave or tell me to leave, rather than try to initiate it himself. I would never turn it down. But I am at my wits end. I've tried talking to him about it, but that only ends up in another fight.
Can anyone help me out here with some new ideas on how to get him excited about sex again? Without me always having to start it? Or should i just give up? I don't know

[clare33]

Are you sure that his recent medical ordeal hasn't affected his sex drive? Were things better before that happened, or has this been happening slowly all along? Medical situations can affect one's sex drive, even if it's not a direct medical result of the surgery/meds. For example, I was recently in a car accident and had to have major surgery. Afterwards, I felt very...cold sexually, for a good while. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with your husband or not. I can understand your frustration - society tends to think that women don't "want" or "need" sex, but WE DO!!! Best of luck to you. If it gets bad enough, maybe you want to talk to a sex therapist?

[sera300]

Have you spoke to him about the possibility of depression?

[EvilEvilKitten]

WOW Your husband has issues! Given all of the anger and unwillingness to discuss this like adults as well as you having done all you could to stimulate him without him doing a damn thing - divorce seems to be your best option here. You can try talking to his doctor(s) about his meds. You can also seek out counseling from therapists both sexual and marital first to see if that helps. But if he refuses to recognise that HE has a serious problem and if he refuses to work on solving that problem - then he really doesn't care for or about you and it is time for you to get a lawyer.

[warmbody]

Thanks for all your input.

Clare - He has had heart problems for several years. He's had 3 stents prior to this surgery and his sex drive never falters. I know that several of his medications can have side effects that can greatly affect his performance. Some days are better than others. He's even gone so far as Viagra, without his doctors approval, which could kill him. He doesn't care. He is obscessed with sex. I have asked him to go see a therapist with me and he refuses.

Sera - I believe he is depressed, and so did his dr. but he is on a mild antidepressant as well.


Kitten - I was afraid you were going to say that. Since I first posted this -things are even worse if that's possible. That night when he came home he did his usual -first thing - up to the computer to the chat room, I went with him. His Buddy from out of state called and told him that he was going to be coming to our house on Thursday. As soon as he logged off the chat room, he went to play poker. I went to watch TV too boring to sit and watch him play. When he came downstairs, he fell asleep in front of the TV, within half an hour. Eventually I went to bed. The next night same routine, but he came downstairs a little earlier and he didn't fall asleep. Without going into detail, I tried to turn him on but all I got was a head nod and a few uh huh's. He was buried in the TV. Then he turns to me and says something like " is that all you're goint to do?" and the he adds - so much for sex before Jack comes - like we can't have sex when Jack is here. How can I turn him on when I can't even get his attention? I can stand in front of him stark naked and all he says is "you're in the way I can't see TV"! Well his friend arrived last night, and he is staying with us for SEVERAL days. DH called me at my work first thing this morning and says " You kew I was already pissed off - are you going to wait until next Wednesday when he leaves to have sex" ? OMG I didn't try to turn him on last night when we went up to bed. I could have said it was late and I was tired. But I already know that excuses don't cut it with him.
Anyway, I was going to see a therapist for myself to see if there wasn't something that I could do on my own without him going, but that didn't last long. He accused me of having an affair (because he couldn't get me on my cell phone) and when I told him I was seeing the therapist he made such an issue of it, that I quit going. I asked him to go with me and he said there's nothing wrong with him. So you know where I stand on that issue. I don't know what to do. Part of me keeps giving in and trying and the other part wants to quit so bad but is so damn scared. I don't really have anyone I can turn to. He has such a temper and can be so hateful. Anyway I appreciate you all listening.
God Bless and have a great day!

[Beans518]

Oh I feel so sorry for you.I understand how you feel. I too am in a relationship where I can't talk to my partner. When I do he gets into this self-hating mode where he tries to make me feel guilty for having the feelings that I do. You're human and can only take so much. Your feelings should not be ignored. I say that you are married and that's worth trying to save. Sit and down and say" I'm not trying to hurt your feelings and I love you... but we have issues that need to be addressed." Then wait a couple of weeks for him to think about it. After that if nothing changes you go drastic. See how that works and I'll do the same.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Having typed out what I would have said (it was not pretty) WHY do you stay there and take this abuse?

JUST WALK