Complicated situation...need advice

[Shmanda]

Hi guys,

This is my first post here and I'm sorry that it's going to be so long, but I really hope someone can help me out of the situation I'm in. I'm 21 and in college, living with my boyfriend and our two closest friends (both guys). I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now and living together for just over a year. I love him a lot...he's a great guy who treats me very well and has always been there to support me. However, lately I've been thinking a lot about whether I'm too young to be in a serious relationship, and want to experience more things in life before I settle down. But there aren't any real problems in our relationship and I do love him, so I would hate to end it...I'm torn.

To make things even more complicated, this past weekend one of my roommates dropped a huge bombshell on me. I consider him to be my closest friend, and we often joke that we have so much in common it's like we're the same person. He told me that when we first met three years ago he had a crush on me, and he still has feelings for me. Summarized, that he thinks that I'm his soulmate but it's very hard on him that I don't feel the same way.

I have no idea how to deal with this. Everything is so messed up right now, especially because we all live together. My plan is to pretend like my friend never said anything to me, but I don't know if it's best way to fix the situation. I just want to deal with this without hurting anyone's feelings and losing the friendship we have. Any advice you can give me would be very, very appreciated!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Tell your roommate that although you like him very much, you do not love him. Then let it go. Refuse to hear anything more from him along those lines. Do NOT tell your boyfriend that your roommate said anything to you. Keep what is between you and the roommate privately between you two only. If you think its 'messy' now - just imagine the fights if you said anything. Continue acting with discretion and all will be well. Say anything 'out of place' and all hell will break loose.

[ajhubbell]

I agree with EvilKitten entirely on this. Absolutely do not mention this to your boy friend and don't do anything with the friend that would lead him to believe he has a chance with you. If you mess up then the whole situation will implode and pretty much all of the friendships will end. You may be to young for a serious relationship, I don't know, that is up to you. I don't know you or your boyfriend. However, if you think that you are leaving, then don't lead him into thinking that this relationship is permenent. I would suggest talking to him about and letting him know that you have concerns. Talking about things will give him the opportunity to know that you might be leaving or that changes are needed to keep you. Either way, don't make it a surprise.

[Coren]

My thoughts on this are a bit different. One: I don't think you should tell your boyfriend, but at the same time if he finds out and asks about it, you should never lie to him. Do NOT do anything with the guy who likes you. Keep it friends, and just to be sure, make it slightly distant friends.

Two: I think perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about your reservations. Perhaps a comprimise of your two halves will make you feel better. Do not leave him, if you truly want to be with him, but perhaps move out. That would solve your "friend" issues and make the relationship slightly less pressuring.

Good Luck

[bruins76]

ITA w/ EvilKitten... Also, college relationships are hard... you are young & deserve to try out other things, BUT...sometimes it doesn't mean that the grass is greener on the other side either. It's up to you if you want to go there or not, either try it out & risk losing this "great guy" for a chance to taste other things, or stay w/ a "great guy" whom you love & let it blossom.

Either way, if this other roomate keeps talking to you about how he feels/felt, I'd suggest getting another roomate or going to a place just you & your boyfriend, others can make it complicated.

[dancingdoc2]

There has been much in the way of good advise dispensed here. This is one of the pitfalls of dating and stopping the process with the first warm body who pays an interest instead of as it should be--going out with lots of different people in order to sample what humanity has to offer. I am not suggesting or recommending that you break up; although, if this event should occur, know that in order to have a better chance of finding Mr. Right, you should date lots of people in order to sample and learn about the many differences in character, personalities, likes, dislikes, quirks, goals, values, morals, religious views, that are out there for you to evaluate as a possible "fit" with each of your own.

If your relationship is otherwise solid, then do not rock the boat. Moving out may be a solution, so too might be for the friend to move out. Right or wrong, he as upped the price of poker so to speak and this new revelation might make living together challenging.

[clare33]

I don't know about keeping it a secret. I once did that, my boyfriend found out, and he came very close to breaking up with me. Not because of happened, but because I wasn't honest with him, because I kept secrets from him. I guess it depends on the type of relationship you have, and your living situation certainly does complicate it. It may be best not to tell him, but be prepared for a possible fallout if he finds out.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Clare - everyone keeps secrets and that does not mean you're being dishonest. So your bf found out you didn't tell him someone made a pass at you - bfd. Think about how many times the average girl has passes made to her. Presenting a running list to your bf each day would soon overwhelm and irritate him into thinking you were walking around with a sign on your back that says "make a pass at me".

Most women just laugh and move on knowing that nothing serious was said. Just a guy boosting her spirits by being gallant.

[clare33]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Clare - everyone keeps secrets and that does not mean you're being dishonest. So your bf found out you didn't tell him someone made a pass at you - bfd. Think about how many times the average girl has passes made to her. Presenting a running list to your bf each day would soon overwhelm and irritate him into thinking you were walking around with a sign on your back that says "make a pass at me".

Most women just laugh and move on knowing that nothing serious was said. Just a guy boosting her spirits by being gallant.

I'm not just talking about getting hit on - of course that happens all the time, and it's no big deal. But I think it's different when it's somone you both know (in this case, LIVING with). The situation I had was a lot more complicated than just getting hit on.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Not really, Clare. He may know a little more about her but, essentially, he is just 'hitting on her'. At least, that is how she should regard it.