Parents in-law trying to break us up

[Zan]

My gf and I who are currently engaged, have been happy together for well over a year now, but i just got word from my gf that her parents have been telling her to stop seeing me, and have given no reason why they want that. My gf is 19 and I am 20... the parents shouldnt really have a say in it, but they still push their way into our lives. Everything used to be fine, id spend time with them, we would all go and do things together, then out of nowhere i get a message that they told her "we want you two to stop seeing eachother" im lost.... I am not going to give up seeing my gf, yet, her parents still try control most of her life and always have, though lately they have been more lenient. Till now that is.

Please, anyone else been through this or have any tips on dealing with it?

(i tend to be a very protective and territorial person, yet, i feel i shouldnt say anything to the parents cos, they are still her parents and i know that it is most likely to cause more trouble)

[sera300]

Your finacee and you need to talk about it and decide how you wish to handle the matter. Do not put her on the defense where she feels she is in the middle and must choose sides, don't talk negatively about them either (you cannot take back the feelings you will hurt and you can wind up validating their opinion, in her eyes). They have to have given her a reason but the fact of the matter you are getting married, they should respect her decision since it is her life and yours. Encourage her to open up to you, keep an open mind, and remember they are not required to like you, only to treat you w/respect and visa versa.

It is difficult on all involved but welcome to the future of married life. Been there, my ex-in-laws hated me b/c I was divorced without a church annulment and their darling son still wanted to marry me. This went on for about 3 years. I bit my tongue, smiled, was polite, nothing more and nothing less.

When you are married you do not have to live in the same home w/them, but you have to live w/her...keep it easy!!!

[EvilEvilKitten]

You two have to investigate WHY they'd do this.

It is natural for parents to have qualms but if this is something more than that - you two have to find out what's behind it. It might just be a 'control' issue.

[Zan]

I always make sure to respect them and i dont keep her from them either, me and my finacee always stay open and tell each other how we feel, just at times her aprents have been getting to me aswell, but i tend to just let it roll off, and move on. The main reason this gets to me, is because they waited all this time to say/do something, before now it wasnt always perfect either. Her parents did try to control her life, example: they put her into law school, and it was her mothers dream to become a lawyer when se was young, my fiancee wanted to become a writer, but they didnt help her dreams and made her take up law, since i come along i have helped her look to following her dreams. Her parents didnt like that either, but whenever i was around they would never say or do anything to imply it, they would smile and continue as if normal, yet soon as im somewhere else i'd get a phone call with my finacee crying/upset on the other end because more arguments and fights with them.

I feel i really have to say something to them, but without disrespecting and/or coming off offensive, but i dont know what or how, I am too used to saying things straight forward, please anyone have any tips on that either?

[sera300]

I'd leave it for now...if they are not saying anything to you directly. She has to talk to her parents and set all straight between her and them. Then if it continues, you can try to talk to them alone and just say you see her upset, what is the issue? But don't expect to fix it for her, and don't do it without her saying it's okay. It sounds as if they control through manipulating her, she has to put a stop to it. Forcing someone to go to law school is a tough one...her parents must have a great deal of control over her.

[Luvs2plzU]

Zan, not sure from where you are from, but "normally" speaking, when you have a fiancee, it usually means that you asked her parents for her hand in marriage..and if she is your fiancee then they must have OKAYED the deal..so I wonder what brought about the change in their thought process?? or you and her just got engaged and didn't ask for their permission(not that either way is right or wrong,it's a old respect thing) and now they are totally fighting it...(their choice to pick the battle)..just wondering here!

[Zan]

No we didnt ask for her parents, it happened spur of the moment as we were dining out together, though her parents knew what way we were going, yet they encouraged it at first. Her parents are trying to make her see a psychiatrist... saying she isnt thinking right now -.- well im gonna wait to see how this goes, hopefully he/she can talk some sense into them, and well.. thinking things through, it could be that we both dont want to stay where we are, we want to travel to find somewhere for us to get our lifes started together.... she is the oldest daughter and her parents didn't realy take to our idea of moving out and starting our own lives.

well ill wiat till i get word back from her about the psychiatrist before posting next, but please keep comments coming

[sera300]

Tradition is you ask (before) for her and in marriage; her parents don't have to approve but it's out of respect. If they are very traditional they may have expected this.

What I see as a concern is she is the oldest, her parents have set standards for her (whatever they are). Has she ever moved away for College or Law School where she was out of her parents reach?

If she has lived under her parents control her entire life, influenced by their wishes and desires, having her move away may fail your pending marriage. Some people flourish once away but many cannot function w/out the parental control they are so accustomed to. If she attended law school based strictly on their wishes, they have so much control over her. And if she is seeing a psychiatrist based on their wishes, they have too much control over her and I would doubt her ability to live her own life. Look at the family structure, what is the relationship between the parents? And between siblings? This should provide you w/some insight.

[clare33]

I have a feeling it probably has to do with your and your fiancee's age. She is only 19, after all. And of course, 19 is an adult and perfectly legal/capable of being married. It's just that I think for a lot of parents, they view this as very young. When I first got into my current very serious relationship (I was 18 at the time), my parents got very involved, wanted me to end it, etc. And they aren't even normally strict parents. They worry that at such a young age, their daughter might be making a mistake, and they probably don't want to see her go through the pain of having to get divorced because she got caught up in the rush of young love. I am not sayiing this is right, I am just saying from my experience, this is what her parents might be thinking. I understand it can be VERY frustrating and makes you want to say "F**k them, who are they to control us?", but it's not helpful. Are you guys planning on getting married right away? Maybe you should plan on staying engaged for while first. It doesn't mean you love each other any less, and it might calm her parents down.

[Zan]

no we dont want to rush it we wanted to live together~ like actually together alone for 3-4 months and see how things go before deciding, but her parents dont even want her leaving their home, and well the psychiatrist said to the parents not to interfare so much cos its only damaging their bond with their daughter and said that we would be doing the right thing by moving in together, to experience how it would be with the 2 of us in a home, i myself have lived alone before, yet she hasnt, so we are trying to take things slowly~ i understand the worry of parents, my mother and father are the same in some aspect, but they see it as, its our decision and they will support what we choose, for my parents have been together since high school, coming up to 34 years.