My DH cheated/lied for 2+ yrs., & he's trying to justify it!

[bruins76]

I just discovered yesterday my worst fear. MY DH has been "talking" to his last girlfriend "Candace" since we were dating. He has been talking to her non-stop. In fact, one month 81 X's outgoing to her phone, that doesn't include the times she called (incoming) that's not listed on the cell bill. I printed it all out, I confronted him. He said that yes it was Candace but that nothing was going on, just friends. Tell me what "type" of friend talks to someone almost 81 times in 1 month? Why still have communication w/ this person?

I discovered that he calls her every morning when he leaves, lunch, after work, & on his way home. I also discovered that every time he calls her, he calls me almost immediately (guilt?).

He "claims" that he is just friends w/ her, & that it's nothing. The ONLY defense he has is that he is always either working or w/ me, so I know that there hasn't been sexual or physical contact (she lives 5 hours away). I have her phone #'s, tried calling them all, she wouldn't answer. Either he warned her not to answer the phone (even thought I blocked my # to come up BLOCKED)... I've thought of calling her & leaving her a v/mail about this, but I know I wont be able to say the right thing, and then she'll have hard evidence that I called her. I told him that I called her, he was furious...perhaps she doesn't know that I exist & he is afraid I will tell her the truth.

We discussed that he should leave, he tried to turn everything around to make it look like it was my fault, that I was snooping, that I was being insecure...but all I was doing was paying the bill.

Back on Father's Day, I had a "gut" cause his pal responded to an email to us & called me "Candace"...I mentioned it, but let it go, I have a different name, I am sometimes called Charlotte, Cheryl, etc. One day (week's later) I looked in his cell phone while he was in the shower, I saw the name Candace. I confronted him, he tried to make me look like an insecure jerk. Said that he just "hadn't gotten around to erasing her phone #", so I made him PROMISE me that he would delete her name etc. I looked in his Treo contacts & discovered this girl's last name listed only, I guess so if I happened to look, it wouldn't be obvious. I researched this girl, I know where she lives, he home, cell & work phone #'s.

We have a now 8 mos old baby, he is disabled/handicap & I am always at the hospital for him, he is deaf. Our baby boy had surgery on 10/20/06, at 9am, I looked back at the list...guess who he called at 9:3am when I was in the waiting room crying cause I was told that something was wrong? He called HER...here I was devastated, freaking out, I was physcially sick, throwing up, I passed out, and he's calling "a friend".

I told him last night, let's put the house up for sale, go our separate ways. At first he was in agreement. Then he called me back around 30+ times, kept saying "are we okay" "can we get through this?" "she isn't worth losing you, my family & children, I'll stop talking to her, I'll do what ever it takes to make this right".

I have several options. A) to leave him (which if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't even being thinking of anything other than leaving him, B) to give him another chance, check the cell bills next month and pray that her # isn't there, if it is, then I know where I stand...then again, he could call her & say "make sure you call me cause if I call you, your # show's up on the cell".

He said he messed up, that it wasn't a big deal other than a friendship & that he should have told me. I said "don't you think this look's really bad?".

This morning he said "what's wrong? I thought everything was okay? you're making me feel like I did something wrong, like I cheated on you".... Well, in my eyes, he has and did. He doesn't get that, he thinks cheating is physical, I think emotional cheating is far worst.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I've cried so hard, I feel like a part of me inside has died. I've put up w/ so much from this man, w/ his ex wife, you name it. Why me? The part that REALLY confuses me is why buy a house w/ me, spend a ton of money on me, do all these things for me & the kids, do it all for us, work overtime to get more money & risk it all for a phone buddie?

It doesn't make sense. If we were still in the apt & he wanted nothing to do w/ a home, and give me full rights to this house, and sign over the deed in my name, why? why would he risk it all? It doesn't make sense. If he were cheating, he should/would know that he'd get caught, that he'd be discovered yet why risk your financial security w/ someone knowing that you could lose it so quickly?

I really don't know what I am saying right now. I am numb... What do I do? How do I handle this? I know I shouldn't ask for you to make the decision for me, but I have run out of options.

I told him that this was "THE PLAN"...

Moving forward if her # comes up 1 time, and I mean only 1 time, you're out! I also said "I need to know that what ever you had w/ this 'friend' is no longer going to continue, that all ties are cut & permanently. She will not be a part of our present & future relationship/commitments". He said 'yes, been taken care of'.

I don't know if I mentioned this one. I called our cell phone provider & asked if there wz any way that I could get a copy of the INCOMING phone calls, not only am I getting a complete list, but I am getting a DETAILED list of ALL the text msgs AND the v/mails! So...if this girl is truly just a friend, there wont be any text msgs saying "miss you, sexy" or "I love you"...stuff like that.

I asked him "does she know about me?" he said "yes she does, she knows about the kids, the house, she has a boyfriend"... why do I not beleive him? I can say this, what lady would talk to a man THAT MUCH knowing that his wife wasn't aware & STILL continue talking? No lady w/ any morals would do that.

Thing is... if she was just a friend, that good of a friend, why not talk about her? why not introduce her to me? if she has a boyfriend, why not us all get together & double date? Wanna know why? cause it's BS and I don't believe it.

They used to date, they once had sex, it obviously ended cause she lives 5 hours away & it was too far, he couldn't relocate cause of his son (from a previous marriag) and she couldn't for the same reasons, it was too difficult.

So it prob didn't end on "bad terms" but why still talk to someone, and THAT much?!?!? I still talk to an "ex" but my guy is 100% aware of it & it's only via email every 4-6 mos exchanging photos of our DH/DW's & our kids...nothing like "oh baby, I miss you" or even talking on the phone, we haven't done that since 2002...I just dont see the need for it. He married, I'm married, why have a buddy that you talk too that much unless they are a part of the mix that you have of friends?

I will be checking ALL the calls made to & from on our cell to make sure that 518 area code is not on there. Of course, if he or she really want to continue talking, they can find other ways, use their friends phones, work phones or buy a phone that doesn't have a plan, w/ phone cards.

I did leave him w/ this thought. That Ive had a "feeling" that something wasn't right for some time now. And I was right about that gut feeling. I said "perhaps you'll continue to cheat or talk to her, and if you do...rest assured that I WILL find out, maybe not today or tomorrow, maybe not for a year, but it WILL come out, as this did & WHEN it does, I WILL leave you, take the kids & you WILL be paying through the nose in child support AND for the lies that you made". See...when it comes to divorce, I can get an annulmant cause I can prove that he lied to me prior to us marrying AND during... I can prove the FRAUD in our marriage.

I am sharing this for 2 reasons, 1.) if you are considering lying or cheating on your spouse or significant other, think about what it COULD do to you, your relationship AND if you have kids, how that would look to them, how it would crush them and 2.) to vent, cause I have no other means of doing it.

BTW, I do seek weekly therapy, have been for years. I've wanted my man to accompany me for a while, he wont go. I told him he should go now & that it's not right for him not too. Let's just say that he put the guilt on me that he didn't want to go but he didn't want to hurt me & that if he didn't go he'd be hurting me but if he went he wouldn't want to be there & would feel forced etc. So b4 you tell me we need therapy, I already know this, I already do it, and I can't force him to go.

Let's just say...if a man (or woman) doesn't want to work on their family/relationship/marriage, then they're not going too...no matter how much you ask or beg. To be hoenst, if he doesn't want to get that help, I don't want him wasting my time or the therapist time. Just like "if" my man REALLY wants to be w/ Ms. NY for the rest of his life, I want him to leave, now, get out, cause I don't want any man in my life out of pitty cause of me or the kids. Leave, get out!

With that said... there have been members on this board that have talked about cheating or wanting to cheat or thinking of it. Just please, please don't do it. Leave your current situation b4 you do it, the other person does NOT deserve this emotional hell, as it is hell. I would have rather him left me than do this. I'll never truly trust him again, I'll never feel the same way. Sure I'll forgive, but I'll never forget. And as a result, part of the relationship we have will NEVER be the same cause I'll never know if he's really telling me the truth, I'll always have the thought in the back of my mind.

Thank's for reading
~ C

[Luvs2plzU]

Heart is out to you...get a lawyer and get a game plan in action ASAP..there has always been "redflags" throughout your posts way back when you first started posting...it is up to the both of you what the future will bring...what do EACH of you really want??..you say you've lost trust...that for me is a killer...lose trust,lose me..end of story...if he really wants to stay..he MUST go to counselling..no freeking excuses....

[bruins76]

ITA, plenty of "red flags"...it makes me sad.

I told my therapist & she usually tells me to "stick it out" as I tell her everything else that I've been through w/ my DH & have gone through in my life.

Last time I saw her she said "it's up to you, if you feel that your dignity is being jeapordized being w/ him, I don't blame you for leaving, but perhaps seeing if he'll do it again is something you could do".... I guess what she's trying to say is second chances aren't a bad thing & that if he screw's up again, he's out. And believe me...he's OUT!!!!

I already told him "if I find out that you are talking to an ex, or a "friend" or having an affair, of any type or being unfaithful in any way, ever again, you are gone, you will lose your family, your children & your home. You think your first ex wife is crazy & takes all your money? just wait until you have me to deal with cause I'll be worst than Kerri ever was". It's not a threat to him, it's the dog gone truth!

I am a LEO (astrological) I am a fighter, I am also a leader, I also love w/ passion & wear my heart on my sleeve. I'll do anything for anyone in my life that I love, BUT...once they screw me over, that's it, you've barked up the wrong tree.

Do I love this man? Yes. Do I trust him? not right now. Will I ever trust him again? I don't know, only time will tell. I guess his actions will have to prove to me, he has to earn my trust as trust is not a given, it's earned & although he earned it once, doesn't mean that he'll earn it again. Everything that he says or does moving forward will be a ? in my mind...at least for while. It's too new for me to make judgements.

As I said, I wanted to post for 2 reasons, 1 to vent as I need this for me, and 2 for those of you who are thinking of cheating, wanting to cheat, lie...anything that breeches your contract (spiritually/emotionally/legally) don't do it. It's not worth it. If you truly want out of the relationship, just leave, don't put your loved ones, your family, your children through this. My poor 6 year old is pretty much aware of this "act" that my man pulled & it's hurt him VERY badly. Plus, watching your mother cry in the fetal position on the bathroom floor vomitting I am sure doesn't make you feel all warm & fuzzy.

What I'm trying to say, just don't do it. No matter how unhappy you are, no matter how much sex you are or are not having, no matter if your drives (sexually) aren't the same. You think you wont get caught, you will...and you'll hurt people that trusted you. It's the wrong thing to do. I practically OD'd on vcicodin, vallium & vodka that night...I did some serious stuff & regret it. I was devastated, as I still am, but at least I have a more clearer mind on what my plans are & how I am going to manage.

I'll be okay, I have $ and a good head on my shoulders. This is more emotional than anything. But in the end, it still hurts...I just want to forewarn those of you, it's not worth it, don't do it.

Again, thanks for reading...

~C

[unknown11]

if you do give him a second chance then maybe have all three of you get togather and talk about this. hope whatever you do works out

[sera300]

Been through something similar, so I can understand BUT slow down and get it together first, you are hurt right now and rightfully. Marriage counseling should be mandatory right now and he gives 100% to you, the kids, and the marriage or no deal. If he does not put the effort into it, gives any BS about going and his committment to being 100% married, then it's 100% divorce. But you still love him and have a life with him, I hurts so badly right now, think through it for a while.

[browneyedgirl]

Well, I'm usually not the devil's advocate... but what exactly are you so upset about? I agree that he should have told you he was still in contact with her and been honest. I am not familiar with your other posts that gave other posters "red flags" that something was wrong with your marriage. But, if she does live 5 hours away and he didn't have sex with her and you don't know that there were ANY romantic implications yet, why get so worked up? Yes, he was wrong to withhold his relationship with her from you. I also agree that it's odd to call her so frequently. Still, give him a fair shot, give him the benefit of the doubt. Talk together in a non-accusatory fashion and give him a chance to explain why he didn't tell you about his phone buddy.

If you get the text message printout and you find a bunch of sexy messages, or if he admits to having an affair, or if you talk to her and she confesses something, OK. But right now I think you are getting yourself riled up for no concrete reason. Maybe he just didn't tell you because he thought you wouldn't like him to be friends with her. Maybe she's just someone important to him in a platonic way. Maybe you two could have dinner with her (once things have calmed down a little) and you could get a chance to see what she is really like.

I also have to agree that marriage counseling sounds like a good idea for you. Regardless of whether anything was going on with Candace, you need to work out your trust and honesty issues.

[bruins76]

But how can you force someone to go to counseling when they down right say they don't want to go? They say that they don't believe in it & that if they go they wont even make an effort? I mean... I do believe that he SHOULD go to counseling, I think it make's sense, but if he keep's saying that he doesn't believe in it & that if he does go he'll be irritated...blah, blah...then what do I do?

I really wish he'd just say something like "I'll do what ever it takes, how about we seek professional help?" but that would be too unmanly to suggest something like that I guess.

You're right, I am hurting. Just now, after I fed everyone dinner (and I was in a decent mood) I got some flash backs of "stuff" & immediately started to pour myself a cosmopolitan. He said "what's the matter? what are you stressed out about?" cause he knows I only drink for 2 reasons either 1) it's a special occasion or 2) I am pissed/upset/depressed. I know self medicating myself isn't making things better. But now I understand why ppl become drunks/alcoholics, cause they don't want to feel the pain, they want to become numb to everything that they are hurting about.

~C

[bruins76]

I am upset b/c of everything I posted about. The lies that lead up to the major lie. Then the fact they spoke over 80 times in 1 month (that's just outgoing & not incoming) speaks volumes to me. What is so important?

And you know what? He had other "gal pals" that I was VERY aware of & he spoke about & there were no hidden adgendas in those relationships. Although I never met any of them, it wasn't a threat. I made the same comment to him "if she's so important to you, just a friend, why not talk to me about her? why not we get together?"...

Again, it's cause he was lying about it for so long, insisted that he "briefly" dated her & the next thing I know, it's a total lie. Do you see why I am upset? I am more upset about the lie. If he's lying about this, what else is he lying about? If was no biggie, then it should have never been kept a secret. That's why I am so upset.

[Brandye]

OK. You have vented and it appears that you are the wronged party. It was suggested above that you enter couples therapy. That is the minimum required if you are to get over this. You say you have the resources, so be ready to jump at any point. And make certain he is aware of this risk before he agrees to counselling.

[EvilEvilKitten]

OK bruins
Now that you have vented, THINK for a minute.
I remember your posts about marriage from other posts.
You've done all you could to keep this thing together, you're stressing about your baby, you feel betrayed - okay. He felt the need for emotional support - so do you - hence the therapist. If he doesn't believe in counseling - it will do him no good at all.

WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?
WHAT KIND OF LIFE DO YOU WANT IN THE FUTURE?

Once you have decided that - GO GET IT.

btw people drink etc so they won't have to face up to what's really bothering them.