Is my wife having an affair?

[bloodhound44]

My wife seamed real distant a while ago. The lack of intrest in sex the lack of affection. I always have to initiate the sex and when we do it, it is not the same.There were certan days that she didnt want to have sex. before and after her day off during the week. She would be gone for several hours going to the store and come home with very little and then hop right in the bathtub. She said she was walking in the mall.
So I come out and asked her if she was having an affair and the first words that came out were "your not going to hurt me are you in a somewhat pouty voice". I said, No Im not going to hurt you why would I? so you did have an affair? she denied having an affair,I said well what reason would I have to hurt you ? she said you know I say stupid things. Why didnt she just say no? I asked her again and she says she loves me no I wouldt do that.
But I still have a problem with the first answer. Things are alittle better but I still have to do the initiating

[RF4569]

Sounds like it to me. A lot of suspicious activity going on there....

[sera300]

I can only say one thing...I don't want to be over-speculative BUT...from past experience, similar behaviors as you are experiencing, I did find with my ex-husband. Such behaviors were; unaccouted time with odd excuses, change in minor behaviors, and showering as soon as he came in (change in bathing patterns). Deep down I knew the answer but wanted a straight answer from him (which I never got). The aswer was yes, confirmed by an investigator, for a matrimonial proceeding (in NYS you need grounds for a divorce).

Hopefully she will open up to you, are you sure there is no other explaination?

[NizeGie]

Two thoughts:

- People, when they're suspicious and emotional, can "see" all sorts of patterns and pieces of evidence that aren't really there.

- She probably said, "You're not going to hurt me, are you?" because she was afraid you were going to hurt her. This might have more to do with how you were acting and how you asked the question than anything else.

[moose_hd]

She knows you're onto her now, so chances are she she will do a better job of covering her tracks.

[Jewel75]

I would say follow your gut. It usually is never wrong. Definitely look for changes in daily activities. Make sure she just isn't having a bad week. What about cell phone records (Don't forget calling cards)? Ever think of following her? You have to have a strong vibe that this is happening before you become a part-time detective. Has there been mistrust (or the thought of) in your relationship prior to now or any disagreements, etc.... I am not certain why she responded the way she did (about the whole hurt thing; doesn't really make sense) or what tone she used, but it does strike up a red flag.

[Matador]

I think you should confront her again not with the the disposition for war, but with the idea of knowing what's realy going on, what ever it is. Think that no matter how much you love her, is better to know if she realy loves you or not, so sit down, be very calm, and say to her directly: " ... so you know, lately I notice this situation, and this kind of behaviour, etc." and explain to her that even when the situation is better as you said, the thing is still buggin' you and both of you make a plan for working things out.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Hold up, people. There's more going on here than just a wife who might or might be cheating. Nizegie touched on it.

What sort of history do you have with this woman where she'd ask if you were going to hurt her?

Have you ever hurt her before? Has someone else ever hurt her before? Were you being threatening in anyway? Are you that much larger than she is, that she would feel theatened even if you didn't think you were? Do you tend to be jealous?

[learning]

I go with the two posts above, firstly, answer the questions posed by evilevilkitten, if you can get passed those then the approach as mentioned by matador is good. Do not make it an accusation, but rather an observation of changes in mood, behaviour etc.

Just for your info, a number of years back I experienced my SO having an affair, problem was her sexual appetite at home increased (as a man I asked no questions but rather enjoyed the additional "bed" time.) She got a little more adventurous, tried a few new things (fairly supple changes so there was no immediate alarm bells) but her sexual appetite was way up.....as it turns out, she had had a "fling", short term and this was the aftermath in which she attemted to "make it up to me" with out coming out and admitting/apologizing!!

Take it easy and do not jump to conclusions, when in doubt ones mind does funny things!

[LittleFury]

I'd suggest seeing a lawyer before you confront her, if you are considering confronting her. Just in case. Might be the smartest $300 you'll spend.