dealing with this emptiness

[OriginalBoks]

so ive been reading alot of posts on here about relationships ending. i was with my ex for about 3 years and we officially ended last summer, but have been spending alot of intiment time together in oct/nov. she just got back with her ex bf and she is with him down in oregon right now. she got with him in december and it completely killed me on the inside. i was never over her. i dont think i will ever be over her. i hate feeling so attatched and in love with someone that doesnt want to be with me. i just dont know how to deal with her being with another guy. happy-without me. because this is someone i pledged my life to. i want to marry her. and she has told me over and over, in the end, she wants to be with me. i know she wants to go see whats out there, but its such a terrible feeling i have right now. all im doing is distracting myself from the thought of them together.

my point is, from the experience of other people on this board. how do/did you deal with knowing your soulmate, love of your life, is with someone else and happy. what the **** am i supposed to do. i hate to sound like such a pussy but im lost.

[Luvs2plzU]

it's not any easy task to "get over it"...get some counselling...it will help you with your loss...Uhhhhh the terms "soulmate,love of your life" usually depend on BOTH parties feeling and living that...it appears that you were the only one that shared those feelings truly and honestly..she's moved on..that is her choice...now you have to get some help so you can move on with your life!!..Good Luck

[sera300]

How people deal with loss in relationships differ. I have been down the path a few too many times (divorce, a death, etc.) and I have found that for me dealing with the loss is realizing there is pain and taking each day one step at a time. I keep myself busy with starting new projects, developing new habits, and keep my expectations (for myself) low for a while, as I begin to feel better about being alone; I look at the relationship objectively to see what I might have missed while I was in it...what was I not seeing? I try to develop new positive habits and re-form my life into a life I enjoy. A few months ago I ended a 2 1/2 year relationship, we were engaged, it ended for the right reasons & we both agreed (he was not able to give me what I really needed emotionally and his career had become very demanding--traveling 2-3 weeks/month). I figured I was going to have more free time then I originally thought I would so I went and signed up to take cooking courses at the Culinary; it was something I always wanted to do and it got me out and around other people. It kept my mind occupied.

As far as how to deal with your love of your life being happy with another? Well, first I do not believe in soulmates, I believe there are a whole host of people we can be very happy with; we just need to meet them. If she is happy with her new man, you need to accept it, respect it and start moving on with your life. If my ex-finacee found someone new and was happy, I would be very happy for him b/c he is a good man. I began dating a few different people and then I met someone who I have a great deal of interest in. So I have been taking it slow, getting to know him as a person, and at the same time really doing things I enjoy. As much as I miss my ex fiancee, life goes on and I find happiness in each day. I make each day good b/c no one else is going to do it for me.

When my ex husband and I split up, I did not date for about 2 years. I just used the time to restructure my life, form a new life, one which was alone. During the 2 years, I went back to college and completed my Bachelor's degree and then completed my Master's. I used college as a diversion for the pain and in the end I had something to show for it.

My point is; it takes time to heal, but you have to allow it to happen and you have to realize it will be painful. Learn something from reflecting back on your relationship and all is not lost. When I went back to college, for a particular course, we had to read Steven Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"; I found parts to be redundant but I also found there was a great deal of information I could apply to my personal life...it did help and it's an easy read.

If you find you are unable to deal with the loss, speak to a counselor or therapist. Also remember, this was the most dificult time of the year for many...we are just over the holidays, which can be a painful reminder of what we don't have in our lives. But it's a good time to begin with a fresh start, but you have to put yourself there first, and you have to allow yourself to find happiness. Keep your chin up!
~Kim

[sera300]

Also get to working out regularly...it helps!

[ua322]

Originally Posted by sera300

Well, first I do not believe in soulmates, I believe there are a whole host of people we can be very happy with; we just need to meet them.

You nailed it. This is 100% true.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stop with the soulmate already!

"but have been spending alot of intiment time together in oct/nov. she just got back with her ex bf and she is with him down in oregon right now"

The woman's NOT into you so let her go! If she were, she'd be with you and not him. As far as you are concerned, she doesn't even exist anymore. Why do you let her pull this sort of thing when there are lots of other women out there and you're not suited to polyamory? Move on, guy!

[OriginalBoks]

thanks for your input. moving on is the answer. i went thru the whole range of emotions, and im done with it. i was angry, sad, and so weak and confused. but im done with it. i am a good person. she is a good person. but i learned that no matter how hard i tried to make her be with me, it would only serve to seperate us as friends. its not worth it to beg and try to make her feel even mroe guilty.

besides, i went to the mall yesterday with my friend, and the girls were giving me the eye. A LOT of girls, as a matter of fact. now i just gotta work up the balls to get back out into the singles field... i havent been there in awhile. but i am gunna take my world by storm. i just learned to get over all these dumb insecurities i had (which was really the thing that kept me coming after my ex... bcause i felt insecure without her, and threatened by that dude.)

again, thanks for the input.