Having an affair

[unsettled]

I've been w/hubby for 12 years.............we have 2 children.

He rarely satisfies me in bed and often cums very quickly (saw a counselor for this) and then gets out the vibrator to "finish" me off. (I can do that by myself. )

Needless to say, I am much more adventurous than he is. I have a strong curiosity/interest in S&M I would love to go to a "sex" club. (He thinks that is crazy)

Anyway, I do discuss these issues w/him, but I can tell what he does agree to is greatly forced and I end up, not enjoying it. Or the looks I get when sharing what my interests are turn me away from pursuing them with him.

So.......................a long night of drinking and my ex-neighbor and I end up all over each other and having sex. Quite enjoyable, I must say and his stamina was something I haven't had in ages.

Anyway he is coming back into town and we are planning another rendevous. So my question is........is it possible to be in a marriage (for the most part happy - other than sex) and have a relationship with this man?

Hubby would be upset, but knows how unsettled I am. He said one night if I wanted to go "out" he would understand.

We want nothing from one another except great adventurous sex w/one another. Has anyone done this before?

[browneyedgirl]

You need to be honest with your husband! This isn't just a one time thing, this is something you are planning on keeping up. You say you think your husband might allow this (though be upset), so I think if you want to pursue any sort of relationship with this other man, you need to be upfront with your husband now. Tell him what happened, and ask him how he would feel about the setup you are proposing.

Your husband will most likely find out about this affair if you keep it up, so I think you would do much better to talk about it now. Trust is so important in a relationship, so if you do this behind his back I really think you will ruin the trust between you if not irreparably, then at least for some time. Is what you have with your husband worth risking for a little sex? Maybe it is, but you need to make that decision and act accordingly.

I think it is possible to engage in polyamory. However, I think this is successful only when you are already being satisfied in your relationship. It should be something you add into a good, exciting relationship and sexlife, not a substitute. When this is the case, as with you, I think it can only lead to trouble.

[Luvs2plzU]

unsettled: Stay tuned...I'm sure the "whirl wind" poster will be right back to let you know exactly what YOU want to hear!!...LOL...

[unsettled]

Originally Posted by Luvs2plzU

unsettled: Stay tuned...I'm sure the "whirl wind" poster will be right back to let you know exactly what YOU want to hear!!...LOL...

Not sure exactly what you are getting at about the "whirl wind" poster, but as far as what I want to hear. I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm right or wrong. I know I am being 100% selfish, and I am well aware of what the consequences could be, should his family or mine find out. I am interested in others opinions and perhaps someone has been in this situation. I'm curious to know how they handled it.

[dancingdoc2]

> So my question is........is it possible to be in a marriage (for the most part happy - other than sex) and have a relationship with this man?

You'd have to do some research on the lives of Ike, FDR, and JFK, for three high-profile examples.

> Hubby would be upset, but knows how unsettled I am. He said one night if I wanted to go "out" he would understand.

Something is going on that only manifests itself with your intimate relationship. I just don't get why some guys will not try to fix what their mate says is wrong and put up with a third party.

Perhaps finding a new and different counselor to investigate this matter would prove more helpful.

[alisha]

I am in a very simmular situation, and feel guilty about seeing this other person but then hubbies poor performance day in and day out is just as hard to bear. You only live once! I just make the most of number 2 when ever we meet.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I do hope I am not the "whirl wind poster"

Alisha and Unsettled, you are not alone.

Your choices are:

1. to open and up front with your husbands in a tactful, loving and yet clear way and explain just what is what and why. You then have to listen to what he says and work it out from there like adults. I personally know of one couple where she plays with her husband's full and open consent - after he has approved of her choice.

2. to say nothing and, in unsettled's case with hubby's consent, set up a weekly or bi-weekly "wife's night out' with her posse' - a mixed group of like minded women and men. Pehaps a monthly 'sex fest' with the same group of very good friends. In which case you will have to remain silent and discreet at all times.

Both of you should read the book The Ethical Slut for more complete guidance on this matter.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by alisha

I am in a very simmular situation, and feel guilty about seeing this other person but then hubbies poor performance day in and day out is just as hard to bear. You only live once! I just make the most of number 2 when ever we meet.

I'm just amazed at how many men either (a.) are completely oblivious to what their wives like in bed or (b.) truly don't give a damn whether their wives are satisfied.

This mystifies me.

If you actually try and you just pay attention, it is just not that hard to figure out how to please a particular woman in bed. It is just not that difficult to figure out what she likes or doesn't like and then to dream up new ways to pleasure her based upon what you've learned about her.

[EvilEvilKitten]

It happens. Men are similarly afflicted. This is why most adults have had affairs or are having affairs - according to the latest stats on the subject. Perhaps we really shouldn't be taking sexual incompatibility so lightly?

[alisha]

Originally Posted by ua322

I'm just amazed at how many men either (a.) are completely oblivious to what their wives like in bed or (b.) truly don't give a damn whether their wives are satisfied.

This mystifies me.

If you actually try and you just pay attention, it is just not that hard to figure out how to please a particular woman in bed. It is just not that difficult to figure out what she likes or doesn't like and then to dream up new ways to pleasure her based upon what you've learned about her.

We have talked about it. My husband knows that he has a problem and I know that he really tries, he almost tries so much that he ends up not enjoying it as much as he should, he lasts for about 3 to 5 minutes and its over. I know that it's not fair on him, he would be devestated if he found out about my ongoing affair.
My other man just seems to know what to do, he is 48 but his stamna is just unbeatable. Its just great when I am with him, once I have had a 3 /4 hour session with him I am done for a good few day's.
I don't want to leave hubby over sex because he is a great man so much in touch with his own feelings as well as others you don,t get many like that. What do I do?