Having an affair

[EvilEvilKitten]

That's cool, bruins. I agree with the do not hurt others rule (hence if you do cheat, stop and keep your mouth shut), but I do disagree with you in not being able to whole-heartedly love, in a relationship, more than one man simultaneously - from personal experience. I am polyandrous. It is very possible. Please read the article at the edu website I posted earlier. It is all about the metaphysics of sexuality and I think you'll find it interesting and helpful.

I'd still like to hear from alisha about what has been going on with her and her husband however.

[bruins76]

I think you can have feelings for more than one person for sure, for different reasons. Like I still think of a person I used to date & I occasionally receive emails from him. He's a great man, but he's younger & lives far away, plus he's small...all around, and although I've never actually had sex w/ the man, I just have this thing about short men who have small penis' and aren't circumsized. I know that's bad, it's just a hang up that I have.

Any who...the man is great, has a lot of great qualities & my DH is wonderful too... the other man that I "still" have "some" contact (strictly emails every now & then) is very romantic, shows it all the time, which is wonderful...but he's irresponsible when it comes to a family, job etc. The man I am w/ now, is not romantic at all, he shows it by buying me stuff, luxury items, home, cars, phones, vacations, expensive dinners, you name it I get it, but he has NOT one romantic bone in his body. And I wish that he did...but I am not gonna leave him just cause he's not romantic, cause he's a great provider, wonderful in bed when we do have sex & a fantastic dad. There are times I wish I had romance, but it's a small fraction of what is truly important to "me"... others would disagree & lean towards the other side. Everyone is different.

Do I have a good sex life w/ my DH? Not really... I pretty much have to initiate every sexual encounter, which sucks... do I get off every time we have sex? nope! BUT the other men in my life who were on the same wave length sexually didn't have anything else to offer. I am not dead, so I do masturbate a lot to satisfy my needs, I have too. I have a much higher drive than the norm for a gal which normally men have no problem cumming to my rescue, but in my case now, I just "put up w/ it"...but I've told him many times that it sucks & that I masturbate cause he doesn't "take care of me sexually"...so he knows. I also told him that "if" I ever felt the need to go outside of our relationship, I'd tell him first & let him know how I was feeling before it got to a point that I had sex w/ someone behind his back. He is 100% aware of my "issues".

For instance...this past November was our 2nd year anniversary, all I asked for was a romantic night, no kids, candles, home cooked (or take out) meal, lots of sex...and for him to be raw w/ how he felt about me, now I don't mean raw as in raunchy, I mean it like "I love b/c______" stuff. Guess what? I got a gift, no card, no meal, no sex, nothing that I asked for...and all that I wanted cost no money...but instead money was easier for him. It stank, I really just wanted some raw emotion. It hurt...I told him the other night that I was still angry about it & that I was hurt by it.

Also...no relationship is perfect, we all have our share of issues, but to throw in the towel it's not something I agree w/ (unless there is some abuse going on, then leave...no run!). That's why the divorce rate is so high, cause ppl get "bored" and don't want to "try" anymore. In this person's case, she wanted more from her DH, he wasn't willing to try anymore...so they both gave up, she went elsewhere & he let her (so to speak)... I think it's sad. This lady is probably head of the PTA for her kids' school, an outstanding friend & wonderful person, yet her marriage is in shambles b/c of sex? It's sad to me to hear that. It's not like they are young, or just got married...they've been together for years & have kids, that makes me sad.

Now I am not saying to stay in a relationship simply cause of children (that's wrong actually) but when you have so much history, it's just sad. She even mentioned that aside from the sexual part, she loved him deeply. There has got to be some sort of way to have them work this out, if they are still willing/wanting too. It's a shame to see a family fall apart from something I believe can be fixed.

I also am curious...where is she? what happened? did she tell her DH? did she meet w/ her neighborhood friend again? Any professional therapy involved?

Perhaps I've been cruel...in some of my replies...I don't mean to be...I just get angry when I hear ppl cheating, it goes against everything a marriage stands for. On the other hand, if all parties involved were 100% aware & okay in the situation, that's fine...for them...& it works for lots of couples. I know myself, I'd be so freaking jealous it would eat me alive internally & I'd end up leaving, which is why I can't do that to someone or tolerate that from someone either.

Hope she's okay, hope something positive is going to come out of her post. Maybe a lesson learned for not just her but for others. Who knows. We'll only know when she posts again.

Hope y'all's New Year is "special"...and "exciting"!!!

~C

[unsettled]

Wow...............I opened a can of worms. I hope it works out for all parties involved.

I would not share the affair info unless I was choosing to leave husband for other man. If it was a fling then one should keep the guilt to themselves.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Agreed, unsettled. But then bruins has opened another issue - staying with a low-sex-drive-man because he's a good provider. Security over ecstatcy?

[unsettled]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Agreed, unsettled. But then bruins has opened another issue - staying with a low-sex-drive-man because he's a good provider. Security over ecstatcy?

My opinion is you can have both. I unfortunately didn't realize this until it was too late. I have security, but no sex. Which is a shame b/c ultimately no/little sex has many problems of it's own. Either way the end result is emptyness.

Here's a thought though..........shouldn't we as humans provide security for ourselves and not be dependent on others? Sex is somthing meant for 2 people to share, not something we can supply by ourselves. (and truly experiece it's beauty)

[unsettled]

****Time out****

There are 2 people posting on this thread about having an affair. I started the thread and I am the one with the neighbor. NO I have not told my husband nor do I plan on sharing this info with him. It will only hurt him and that is not my intention. I am just being selfish right now and will have to deal with my choices on my own. I will not burden anyone with this other than myself.

Alisha, I believe did tell her husband that she was being unfaithful.

OK, just wanted to clarify that.

[Zan]

eventually things come out... no matter how hard you find them, they have a way of coming around, and the longer it goes the more it hurts when it is revealed... i know ppl will prob say that they can hide things and so on, but all things have a repercussion

[sera300]

ZAN--The chances are the spouse already has an inclination something is going on, very slight behavioral changes happen which cannot be explained. Telling the spouse means prepare for a divorce or hurt him for what reason? I do not condone affairs, I was on the other end of a cheating spouse and the destruction it did was unbelieveable. I wish he had come to me and told me he was unhappy with the marriage and walked out, rather then have the affair. The only way I found out the truth was to put an investigator on him, when my suspisions were confirmed I filed for a divorce. There is no good answer when another person becomes involved in a marriage.

[EvilEvilKitten]

There are ways to properly handle any situation.

unsettled's an adult and she seems to be handling her affair well.
alisha didn't do so well.

Whether you agree or not - I don't think that opting for 'security' over 'ecstatcy' is always the right answer. We each have our own choices to make.

I have considered..how would I feel if my husband chose to play too? (He knows but opted out.) Would I love him less? Would jealousy (which is nothing but fear) come and bite me? No, I really don't think I would love him less nor would I be jealous. Why? What would be the point? I have shared and continue to share my male partners, about whom I care very deeply, with other women and all remains fine. We have a great deal of fun! The scheduling becomes a bit awkward at times but that's about our only problem.

Divorce my husband? What on earth for? He doesn't love me less. He doesn't feel short-changed. His feelings are respected and cherished. He tells me to have fun and drive carefully. I am home by curfew even!

Amazing, I'm almost 50 years old and I have a curfew! LOL

Wow! What a wild trip life has been!

[sera300]

But EEK--your situation is unique, you and your spouse agreed to the terms. When an agreement is absent there is implied monogamy. How you and your hubby handle it works, but you are open & accepting about what is happening. It's the overt deception in affairs which make the situation so hurtful.

BTW--How did you and your hubby get into this? What was the impetus? Why did your spouse opt out? I am curious.