Having an affair

[bruins76]

Sorry...no sympathy from me here. And although I know what it's like to have more of an interest in sex than the other person, to feel "turned down" or not good enough cause they aren't interested in certain things, it doesn't give you "cart blanche" to do what ever you want to satisfy you, it's not all about you. Perhaps you didn't go to the right counselor. I know from personal experience that not all counselors are "right" for certain ppl, I've been through my fair share that's for sure.

Anyways...here's my opinion & take it for what it's worth...

Let's review...

First off, is that all your marriage is worth? 35 minutes or so of sexual pleasure? is that it? all the years, tears, child bearing/raising? Sorry but if that is all it's worth to you, your husband deserves MUCH better than you. I don't care if he knows you are unhappy, I don't care if you've gone to counseling or he's told you to do what ever, you are NOT being honest, you are putting your health as well as his at risk. You are not being true, honest or even trust worthy. It make's me sick. I have friends who have "sex buddies" cause they married their current hubbies for $ rather than love, I hate that too... if you don't love someone truly enough for all that they are, bad in bed, or what ever, then they don't deserve you, they deserve someone who is true to them, that they can trust, cause you cannot be trusted. Marriage is about trust, not sex! I am seriously disgusted & I don't care how you explain yourself or try to justify yourself, it's not right & no one on this board who truly LOVES their mate would say anything else to support your side.

You've been married to a man for many years, took vows to be FAITHFUL to one another etc., have children in the mix. Part of being married is NOT being w/ other men.

You've told your DH how you're unhappy sexually w/ him (which I can relate too cause I feel the same way w/ my DH), you've even gone to counseling.
Sounds like your DH's ego has been smashed to pieces & by him "giving up" and stating to go elsewhere (which I am 100 percent sure he wasn't serious) is a way of saying "fine, just do what you want" cause he feels like **** already.

Now you're asking if it's possible to be in a marriage & have sex w/ someone else??? Are you kidding me??? The ONLY way that is possible if ALL parties agree, swingers if you will, which in most cases DON'T work cause it's a breech of your marriage contract, all that it stands' for.

I think you are incensitive & if you are THAT unhappy in your marriage you need to leave it & pronto before you give a disease to your DH or hurt him more. Sex is a good portion of suff but it's not everything. When you took your marriage vows you said "better, worst, sickness, health, t'ill death..." apparently that has gone out the window cause you aren't sexually satisfied anymore? What if he was in a serious accident (like Christopher Reeves) and could never perform again? Are you telling me that you'd leave your DH cause he couldn't "perform"? If you would leave in that case, then you never took marriage seriously & it's time to cut your loss w/ your DH and give him the opportunity to find someone who values HIM as a person, not for his sexual performance.

GL

[EvilEvilKitten]

Look if sex didn't matter then he'd not feel like hell at his inability - so, yes, sex does matter in a marriage.

He gave her permission whether he realised it or not. Now they have to deal with the results. Slamming her is not going to help either of them at this point.

The choices remain divorce, returning to monogamy, or permitting her to go outside for just sex.

In spite of what bruins said - it takes a great deal of trust to swing or to permit your lady to have outside relations.

One point must be made, however, Alisha made one mistake. She did not involve her husband in her partner selection. Both husband and wife must go hunting for this additional male together. The additional male has obligations in this relationship not only to the lady but also to her husband. He must take good care of her, for example. A discussion between the two men is essential and the husband must approve of this man.

[bruins76]

He NEVER actually gave her permission. She didn't say to him "husband dear, I want to have sex w/ someone else & this is the man, are you okay w/ that?" "why yes darling wife, go ahead, bang another man!". That NEVER happened, so he never gave her permission. There ARE men & women who do agree to go outside their relationship/marriage, in that case as long as they are honest about it & let their partners' know about it, then it's fine (not for me or others I am sure, but who am I to judge).

I am not slamming her...she asked if it was possible, then tried to justify her actions. Sorry but I gave her the HONEST opinion that she was looking for in her post. If she didn't want an HONEST opinion, then perhaps she shouldn't have posted. I didn't call her a slut or whore (like others on this board pretty much did). I just said I had no sympathy for her cause she was NOT being honest & that she wasn't doing the right thing & didn't explore all psychological opportunities w/ her current husband to make those sort of choices.

She obviously has guilt & realizes that it's not right, otherwise she would have never posted this ? to begin with, if you are sure about things, you don't ask others, KWIM? but she posed the ? and here we are, giving her answers.

I am no prude, I am not some person who is old fashioned, I am only 30 but I have values & morals in a relationship. Have I thought about leaving my DH for someone else to get certain sexual needs met? Sure... I have even discussed my unhappiness in my sexual part but one thing I would NEVER do is go elsewhere, first off...for me to have sex w/ someone, I have to love them, I can't do something out of lust, that's just me, others can, every one is different, "most" women can't do it out of lust, there is usually an emotional bond that they have w/ their partner to have sexual intercourse.

Anyways... the point I make is that I don't feel she is being honest & laying all cards on the table. If she were that would be different & if her husband was aware of her actions or intentions PRIOR to her "escapades" then sure, go for it, if everyone involved is happy, what ever floats your boat!

But the point to be made is that she did NOT get permission, did NOT ask her husband, did NOT let her husband know what she was going to do or did.

If she truly loves her husband and wants a different type of marriage (swinging or open if you will) then she needs to let her DH know, make sure he's okay w/ it & then take it from there. But keeping it from her husband & making plans to see this man again is just WRONG, no if's or and's about it.

Again, if she was truly sure of her decision to sleep w/ another man & that her husband would approve she wouldn't have posted this ? and she wouldn't have said that her husband would be upset if he found out (which she stated).

With that said... ask & you shall receive.

[EvilEvilKitten]

She DID tell him. She was HONEST with him. And now we see the result. Everyone told her she was 'hurting' him but not being honest and open with him. Well, is he happier or 'less hurt' now? She posted it because she was having doubts which is something akin to 'buyer's remorse'. Instead of slamming her - you should just give her her options. Not slamming her is NOT just refraining from calling her names.

One, she is NOT a whore since she did NOT ask for renumeration/payment.
Two, she may be a slut but since that can be defined as 'a woman with the morals of a man' - that is not saying very much. Your values and morals are YOUR values and morals. Fine for you. Maybe not fine for her. Be that as it may.

Where are you two now, alisha? Give us an update. What did the doctor say?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Please read:

www.iep.utm.edu/s/sexualit.htm

for more on this topic.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Look if sex didn't matter then he'd not feel like hell at his inability - so, yes, sex does matter in a marriage.

He gave her permission whether he realised it or not. Now they have to deal with the results. Slamming her is not going to help either of them at this point.

The choices remain divorce, returning to monogamy, or permitting her to go outside for just sex.

In spite of what bruins said - it takes a great deal of trust to swing or to permit your lady to have outside relations.

One point must be made, however, Alisha made one mistake. She did not involve her husband in her partner selection. Both husband and wife must go hunting for this additional male together. The additional male has obligations in this relationship not only to the lady but also to her husband. He must take good care of her, for example. A discussion between the two men is essential and the husband must approve of this man.

How in the hell did this turn into a discussion about swinging?!?!

Swinging is NOT an option in this case. Only a miniscule number of people can function in "open" relationships, and nowhere in this thread did I see evidence that Alisha's marriage was a good candidate for that.

Exactly, how did he "give her permission"?

[EvilEvilKitten]

read from the begining

[bruins76]

No one is slamming her... they are telling her the opinions that she "asked" for...

Any ways... for those of you who think that cheating is the answer or swinging or seeking for sexual pleasure outside your marriage/relationship & didn't forewarn your DH/SO, sorry, but the respect and lack of morals is unreal.

How would you feel if the table's were turned???

Sure, the guy said "go elsewhere" but did she sit him down & say "I am going outside the marriage, this is the man, are you okay w/ this?" that never happened which is why it was wrong to begin with AND she stated that her DH would be VERY upset if he found out. How much more should I say here??? It's not something that he would be happy with, but if you are gonna do that, tell them, and at least let them know what is gonna happen to give the other person the opportunity to leave or make a decision whether or not they want to stay in that situation. That's the part that was wrong here, the lack of honesty & sneaking behind his back for another rendezvous.

I don't call ppl a slut or a whore unless they are getting paid for that act, but in this case she wasn't getting paid so I never called her a whore or a slut. Just stated my opinion, which is what she wanted, right???

Hey, if ppl out there are into going outside their relationship/marriage & all parties involved are okie dokie w/ that decision, more power to you, there are plenty out there that do it. But in this case, not all parties are aware, she said that he wasn't aware. And NO it's not possible to love someone w/ all of your heart & go out at screw another person for sexual gratification & everything be fine. At some point feelings/emotions get in the way & it becomes a large jealous issue.

IMO, if you love someone, sex isn't everything. JMO

GL, this issue is done for me... it's clear that there are ppl on this board who have no freaking morals and think that sex is the main part of a relationship. Sure it can throw things way off, but it's not everything. Ppl on this thread are in LT-relationships or are married...this shouldn't be about "having an affair" as her post states or "cheating" on ppl, it should be about making things better in bed w/ the person that you are with, not cheating, lies & hurtful actions. But I guess some ppl on this board don't care now a days??? That stuff is no longer sacred? I thought sex was between 2 ppl who LOVED each other or did I miss something? When did it ever involve 3, 4, or more persons & lying or cheating? I don't get that...

[EvilEvilKitten]

Most of the posts in here were all about trying to work with him to make it better and calling her to account.

As for loving only one with all of your heart - tell me - how many kids do you have and do you only love ONE of them? Hmmm? So yes, it is perfectly possible to love more than one other person with all of your heart.

Just because our morals aren't/may not be the same as yours doesn't mean we don't have any. Just stop and think for a moment. Just because you decided to put your sexuality on the back-burner does not make it the correct response for others. You can cloak your life in whatever 'morality' you choose and you can state your case. Further than that, you shouldn't go.

What he told her does constitute consent. Be careful what you say is the lesson to be learned from that. Granted she should have included him more but it is too late for that.

[bruins76]

You are right, one "is" capable of loving more than one person, but not in the same way (relationship wise) at the same time. I have 2 kids, 1 from a man that I was w/ for 8 years. Another from a man that I am married too. The other child is his from a previous marriage that he was w/ since he was 14 & just ended up making a wrong choice.

I never said you can't love more than one person in a lifetime...just not at the same time.

You are right, be careful what you wish/ask for. That man should have never said "do what you want" or "go seek someone else sexually"...what ever he said to his wife cause that's what she did, still...doesn't make it right. But as you said "evilkitten"...it's too late now, the deed has been done.

I am not saying that ppl on this board don't have morals, I am irritated w/ ppl saying "you live once, go ahead & have fun" attitude. Sure, live once & live it to the fullest of extent, but don't hurt others in the process. That's all I mean.