afraid hubby is going bored

[tomcat]

Hubby and I have been together 28 years married 26. We have always had a wonderful love life. A little over a year and half ago he told me he had been with someone when he was drunk, I sort of knew this, but him telling still hurt terrible. We've or I've gotton thru that. Now it seems when we start something it either is over way to quick or it seems to take forever for him to cum. We have tried new ways, he now loves blow jobs, and I love giving them to him. I know he is under a lot of stress at work, he's on blood pressure meds. From what I've told you do you think I'm just over reacting? He says we are great whenever I ask if we are okay, he has always known I have low self-esteem. thanks for being here for me to ask.

[NizeGie]

Human minds are tremendously good at identifying patterns and connections and creating order. Unfortunately, they often see patterns, connections and order that don't actually exist; particularly when making subjective judgments about things laden with emotional content.

Most likely, there's no connection between his "drunken indiscretion" and what you've percieved. In any event, a connection with the stress, meds and self-esteem are all more likely.

Anyway, that's what I think.

[tomcat]

Thank you, NG, you didn't say anything that I havn't thought before, but it helps coming from someone else. When this other person's name is even mentioned he shows dislike so quick he don't have time to think of his reply.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You are over-reacting.

and those meds he's on can hurt his libido/drive/ whatever you want to call it - see his dotor about it; perhaps there's something else he can use that would help rather than hinder.

[Openmindedguy]

Work has a lot to answer for..........I recently changed from a highly paid stressed job, to one which was more fulfilling........and as soon as I did, we started having more sex...........

There have been times in our relationship that I just could not be bothered with sex...........infact, it became slightly repellant.........but I think you go through phases. Like any long term relationship, its a long run and not a short sprint and on the journey you come across things that your mind and body struggle to get through. Sometimes you just have to slow down and walk a bit.

[browneyedgirl]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I don't know the details of this drunken encounter, but I would be extremely upset if my boyfriend cheated on me (drunk or straight, it's still cheating, to me), and that would definitely cause trust issues and insecurity issues. If I even chose to stay with him, that is. Of course, this something you need to communicate with him about, and work out between the two of you. Just for reassurance sake, I think you're being reasonable.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oh yes? Toss how many years out the door for one little mistake? 26 years versus one, what, two hour period? How insecure do you have to be to do that? You are seeking to control someone else out of fear when even seeking such control is a loser's game. I have been married to my husband for 28 years and if he thinks he's getting out of this marriage that easily - HAH! Not that I would care about such 'interludes' but it would mess up my schedule.

[browneyedgirl]

EvilEvilKitten,
If you have this open attitude about cheating, and it works for you, thats great. However, I dont think you can expect everyone to operate the way you do.

Dont get me wrong, I think its great if people want to be swingers or go to sex clubs or do whatever they want. What I value is that the activity is agreed upon. Intercourse is something that is between me and my boyfriend, and its a very personal activity. If we wanted to go to swinging or have a threesome, Id be fine with that. The important thing to me would be that it was agreed upon and all rules discussed.

My feelings about cheating are not based around insecurity, and I have never been cheated on so maybe my attitude would be different if I were in that situation. I just think that trust is VERY important for a relationship to work. I have to be able to trust my boyfriend completely, and he has to trust me. I know that he would never cheat on me. He is very satisfied and I am very satisfied with him, and if either of us ever wanted to go outside of the relationship for sex, we would discuss it and do so together. I just meant that cheating could very possibly be a deal breaker for me, not that it should be for her.

I am by no means saying that she should leave her husband because of one mistake. People make mistakes, life goes on. But these things do have to be worked through, and they can be very hurtful. Mistakes are mistakes, but they can have repercussions in a relationship. She is already insecure, so this is only going to exacerbate the problem.

Anyway, I just wanted to clarify what I meant because looking back I realized that I didnt really explain myself.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Oh yes? Toss how many years out the door for one little mistake? 26 years versus one, what, two hour period? How insecure do you have to be to do that? You are seeking to control someone else out of fear when even seeking such control is a loser's game. I have been married to my husband for 28 years and if he thinks he's getting out of this marriage that easily - HAH! Not that I would care about such 'interludes' but it would mess up my schedule.

Have you told your husband about this? I mean, does he realize that he can cheat without it hurting his marriage?

Sounds like a sweet deal!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Of course! Naturally no one mode of living will suit all, but with the majority operating as, for example, browneyed does, it is good to hear from the other side - as it were. Trust is not solely built upon sexual fidelity. One does have to ask the question why she is so insecure after 26 years of marriage to him, however, esp if this is his first time off the leash.