I definitely have some problem.

[ExtraChrisB]

I've been dating this girl for 16 months now and I love so incredibly much, even over the long distance of college. However, like all couples, we get into our fair share of fights. That part is normal, but here's the thing: when we fight it hurts both of us. We're both too stubborn and completely enveloped in the argument that we end up saying things we REALLY regret.

Here's an example:

Just last night we got into a stupid as hell argument (I say it's stupid now because of what's happened because of it) about Same-Sex Marriages. She gave her point of view and I gave mine. Then she called me immoral. Now, I don't normally care at all if people say I'm immoral because of my political views, but she didn't specify and she's my girlfriend. To have my own girlfriend say that I'm immoral really, really, really hurts. I go through the same thing when my parents say something negative about me. What made it sting even worse was that I had been planning all month for her birthday and in my head I'm asking, "And she has the audacity to call me immoral?". I was planning on surprising her with a visit at her campus.

And so, in the heat of the argument, I acted very impulsively and I regret what I did. To get back at her for calling me immoral, I decided to blow the surprise to make her feel guilty, I guess. I would never do this in my right mind, and I HATE MYSELF for doing it. This really sucks. Why would I do that to her? That's WAY out of proportion. And EvilEvilKitty, before you start calling me the scum of the universe, lower it down a notch. I hate it if I ever make my girlfriend sad. Hate it hate it hate it.

This is probably the worst thing I've done to her in our relationship of 16 months. How can I stop myself from acting impulsively during an argument? How can I remind myself to step back and say, "We should stop this argument before we say anything that we'll regret"? I love this girl so very much, and to revive the surprise (really lame, but it's all I got at this point) I told her that I might as well not make the trip and that I'll just see her over Christmas Break. But I'm still going anyway.

[dancingdoc2]

Fighting is immature behavior pure and simple.

Many couples fight because they do not know how to solve problems any other way. Other couples fight because they want to be "right" and not give in, hoping instead to sway the other person to their way of thinking.

A successful relationship is a partnership. Debates are fine, fighting is not fine. Communication is key and as part of discussing a matter of concern the two parties should explain what is important to him/her and why without trying to convince the other person to adopt their position just yet.

There is an art to all this called the "gentle art of "negotiation'". This is an "art" because it is a learned skill. Basically, a negotiation is to give the other party the most of what they want without giving up all of what you want. Now, if you look at this from a linear standpoint in which one person is here and the other person is over there, there is a middle ground and this is what you have to find, based upon the criteria just mentioned.

Here is something else to consider: "it takes two to Tango" and it takes two to have a fight. DON'T. One or the other of you can respond, just don't argue; rather, debate and try to negotiate a set of conditions or circumstances or a plan that the two of you can be happy with.

This takes practice, although, if the two of you have each other's best interests at heart and are willing to work together instead of for "me" and what I want, then you should be able to make quite a nice life for the two of you.

[SexySass69]

Been there, done that. Nothing makes a long distance-relationship more work than pointless fighting. My fiance and I used to get into those petty little fights and it would usually escalate to the point where he would threaten not to come visit me or that when he came to see me next, we wouldn't have sex because he doesn't want to have sex with someone he's fighting with. We've talked about it and usually when we realize that we're starting to argue we'll figure out why we're fighting and compromise.

I also have realized that there are some times when we have to agree to disagree. Or I'll change the topic... Nobody wants to continue arguing if you tell them that you were just thinking about how much you love the way they make you feel.

Good luck!

[ExtraChrisB]

Yeah, we both need to work on the fighting thing. The funny thing is that these things start up mostly because we miss each other and that's a "way" to get the stress out. Not a good way, just a way. We'll work on these things. Thanks for all your advice!

[EvilEvilKitten]

Actually no, I wasn't going to say that you were the scum of the earth or anything like it. I was going to say that fighting is NOT something a couple needs to indulge in. Fighting solves nothing - as you have learned. I agree with DancinDoc on this one. When you begin fighting, shut up, and step back. Take a time out. You can debate the point later when you both are feeling more sensible.

I'd say go and surprise her anyway - she's probably regretting what she said too.

[ExtraChrisB]

Yeah, I actually did end up going and we had a fantastic time and she loved her birthday

[EvilEvilKitten]

Congrats!!!

[SexySass69]

I'm glad to hear that you and your girlfriend had a nice weekend together, just keep working on the strategies to avoid blow-ups like before and I'm sure everything will be great.

Happy Humping!