Probelm with parent inlaws o.<

[Zan]

well ema dn ym gf been together for a while now and are engaged... yet me and her parents get along very well and i spend quite a bit of time with her family... just her parents when im not there from what i hear from my gf is they dont respect our relationship... well its more in the aspect that they like to control my girls life... i mean her parents forced her into college to study law cos it was her mothers dream job... and they expect her to follow their orders... she is 19 years old... and has tried to move out but they stopped her and wouldnt let her go, my gf thinks its best to keep our engagement from them so they ahve no idea.. but all our friends and my fmaily know and i feel bad for keeping her parents out of it... my gf is the oldest child of 3 and even her younger siblings dont know whats really going on... also they are much less strict/controlling of the others. they are very nice ppl yet they force arguments and fights on my gf and she comes to me crying and upset, i have told her to move out and come to me, but her parents dont accept their daughters staying out late with their bfs still my gf has to be home by 12am and her sister (shes a year younger) gets to be home by 2am <.<... i see the toll its taking on my gf she is really getting upset with them and almost losing it... every day is a new fight with her mother. she packs her things aobut to leave when they pull her back and wont let her leave... and they say to her... that while she is still dependant on them she will obey them and their rules (tho they wont let her leave/get a real job) and i can easily support us both with my wage... its been getting worse too cos other ppl there have been getting into the fights and making them worse.. like her grandmother and aunts/uncles and not all fights are about us.... but she feels alone cos everyone gathering around her, supporting her parents... she says she is really starting to hate her family... x-x

im just stuck... cos at the moment i am in the other side of the world working and wont be back for a month atleast x-x tho i have told her to come here and she is trying to get visa etc together... but still the visa can take a while to process... and well if they find out about it they could pretty much hold her back again... so she wants to come here without telling them... which could be worse in the matter of mending things...
and being here i cant really do much except support her by phone/online... and try my best to comfort her

please anyone have ideas on how to deal with this or suggestions that could help?

[browneyedgirl]

This is really an issue between your gf and her parents. It sounds from your post like she does not live in the U.S., so I'm not sure what the laws are in her country. In the U.S., though, once you turn 18, your parents have no legal say in what you do. Sure, you may be obligated to them - but if you want to leave, they cannot stop you. You might check out what the laws are where she lives.

What do you mean when you say that her parents/family won't let her leave? Do you mean they tie her down or bar the door? Or do they tell her that if she leaves they'll never speak to her again? Unless they are physically stopping her from leaving, she CAN leave, but hasn't. If she really wants out so badly, then I don't see why she couldn't leave, even if it meant running away.

Her options are:
1. leave against their will.
2. talk to her parents about the double standards they are putting on her compared with her other siblings. She can tell them that if they want her to continue living with them, they need to respect that she is an adult and stop controlling her.
3. she can suck it up and still have to be home by 12 when she's 40

[Zan]

her laws are the same at 18 they cant stop you~ but still.. they do all they can to, they can lock her in her room, and do and she cant get out being a flat sided house that her room is on the 3rd story... so cant actually climb out of her window or anything... her mom even still tells her what to wear o.o...

her parents can be very nice but when it comes to her... their word is final and they wont listen to compromise... she tried leaving before but was pulled back in and put in her room till she settled down... but.. we are looking into her flying out to me... just waiting on her visa, and she is going to leave without them knowing and call them once she gets here... her parents continue saying she cant leave till she is no longer dependant on them... but when she shows some dependancy they take it away from her, she isnt even allowed to work so she cant make money to leave and doesnt have any experience in working x-x

hopefully her visa ready by Jan... my damn work is going to kill my christmas/new years -.- so i wont be back there till 4th Jan now <.< once i asked her parents so when would she be able to come with me while i go away working, and her mom replied... maybe when she is 25 if she is good >"< (thought it was just a joke at the time... now im not so sure)

[dancingdoc2]

Just out of curiosity, what nationality is she and in what country does she reside? Sounds to me like there is both a double standard and some cultural dogma going on in her household.

[Zan]

she is Chilean and currently living there with her parents