just some passion, thats all...

[Marie Eliza]

I feel like I relate to some people on this board. Here is my dilemma....

I am 22 years old. I am attractive and have a decent figure. I have been with my significant other for 3 years, and have a child together. He is 32 years old.

My problem is, our sex life isnt anywhere NEAR what it used to be. When we first got together, we screwed every day, and it was awesome. The only problem was, he would have to keep stopping because he was getting too close to cumming, which was fine, whatever.

Now, we hardly ever have sex, maybe a few times a MONTH. I realize having a baby puts a damper on things, but she does sleep! He works at 4 pm and gets home sometimes 10, sometimes 11, sometimes midnight cause he goes to the bar afterwords. EVERY night. He sleeps until he goes to work, and comes home drunk, and stays up all night drinking. And when I finally get to the point where I need to get some, I do ALL the work. and its the same thing every time. I've suggested doing different things, but he never answers like he isnt interested in them. most of the time in not even very turned on cause there is no passion whatsoever. Its so frustrating and it makes me feel unattractive. Ive thought before maybe he's cheating, thats why he stays out so late and never wants any action, or maybe he just isnt attracted to me anymore cause I gained weight with the baby and all his previous relationships were with toothpick girls. It hurts my self esteem and makes me feel like I shouldn't be experiencing this so young, but I don't want to break up cause he has done so many good things for me, like buying a house and helping me with my debts. But I feel that emotionally, it isn't there. We can't afford counseling and he wouldn't go even if we could. I feel selfish in being upset about something like sex, but if it was such a little thing then why would I feel so bad about it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[SexySass69]

I think that your dilemma is a little more common than you would think. Quite often when a couple has a child things do change, perhaps you feel much like you did before baby but there is always the chance that he is trying to figure out what he wants his life to be like as a father. The comment about him drinking is a red flag that there may be something a little more troublesome than a lack of libido in your relationship.

I suggest that you have a sit-down with him and explain to him that you do not like the way that things are going. But do not go into this when you're upset. You need to approach this calmly and state what you're unhappy with. Kinda like "_____, there are some things that have been happening lately that I don't like. I think that instead of going out for a drink after work every night that you could come home and we could have a beer together. I also believe that our sex life has gone downhill since we had the baby. I think that this may have happened because of _____ Is there anything that you would like to talk about?"

Reestablish healthy communication and hopefully you'll see some change.

Keep us posted on what happens. My thoughts are with you.

[dancingdoc2]

I agree that visiting a bar after work and not returning home soon after work is a red flag.

There are counseling centers that will help couples on their ability to pay, so do not think for a moment that you cannot find help. The ol' adage that if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, hold true here. If he is against counseling or seeking help, then you might as well consider your relationship over as you know it. Whether married or not, your live-in arrangement should be a partnership in which both individuals contribute and work for the common good.


When one or the other tunes out or chooses for whatever reason not to work on the relationship then there is little or no hope for it to become better and to flourish. That said, what are you going to do?

[browneyedgirl]

Have you tried telling him how much of a problem this is becoming? Have you told him that you'd like to spend time with him and would appreciate it if he didn't stay out so late and drink so much? You seem to address this like it is just a sex concern, but it sounds to me like it's also a bigger issue with your relationship. In a healthy relationship, you should feel wanted, cared for, and loved. You should spend time with each other outside of sex.

For some people, having sex a couple times a month is normal. Couples that have been together for a couple years, especially after having a baby, often notice that their sex lives are going down hill, and you just have to put an effort into making it new and exciting. What bothers me more about your post is that you seem to be staying with him because of the nice stuff he's done for you rather than because you two care about each other or have a good relationship. It sounds like it's obligation, rather than love, that is keeping you together.

I think you really need to communicate with him about the problems in your relationship and let him know that you need to work on them. Try telling him something like, "Honey, I really miss having sex with you. You never seem interested anymore. I'd really like it if we could spend more time together and have sex more. I know with the baby it's hard and we're both under a lot of stress, but I get frustrated when we don't have sex." You should also probably address the drinking problems you've noticed.

If you want to improve your sex life, you're going to have to improve other aspects of your relationship. Can a family member or friend take care of your baby for a weekend so that you two can take a little vacation - or even just have the house to yourselves for a while? If not, try getting a baby sitter just for one night, get dressed up, and just go do something fun. Do something both of you like to do. Go to a football game, go iceskating, go to a nice dinner - whatever it is that you two can both enjoy. The point is, it's hard to be attracted to someone or feel that passion if you only see each other when you're tired and under stress. Taking time out to spend time together is really important. After you spend some time together, try taking a bath or shower together. Add some romance and spontaneity back into your relationship.

A good way to keep a partner interested in sex is to try something new. Surprise him with sexy lingerie, a set of handcuffs, a can of whipped cream, or anything that turns you on. You should also communicate about your desires and find out whether there are any fantasies you can explore together.

Good luck!