He's going out of his way to hide things???

[bruins76]

My man listens to HowardStern satellite radio, I already know this & he knows that I know this, we both have Sirius satellite radios in our vehicles. Anyways, I don't mind listening to it when we are in the car together except when they talk about strippers or girls having sex or getting off on the Sibian etc., then I get upset cause I feel like it's degrading to me & other woman as a whole. I am not a prude but I just don't like it.

Sooo...when we are at home, my guy will look at Howard's website & I've seen him look at it cause my PC is in the living room, main area of the house. He doesn't hide that then & although I am not thrilled I deal w/ it based on at least he's not hiding it from me.

Here is the part that kill's me. Every morning he wake's about an hour prior to havin to leave work, around 4:30am (early as I am still sleeping), he'll go into the TV room & watch the military channel & look on-line. Well I often just "browse" history (I know I am snooping) but he goes out of his way to manually delete his trace of looking at Howard's site. The thing he doesn't realize is that he hasn't deleted his trace of the temporary files that he's looked at, which included what he "thought" were deleted. Soooo...my thing is this. He knows that I know he look's at Howard's site, but why is he trying to hide that from me when I am not around? If he is not going out of his way to delete his tracks when I am in the room & look's at the site when I am there & it's obvious, why does he feel the need to delete this information when I am not around? Why is he hiding this?

Now I don't want him looking at porn (unless it's w/ me), I've told him this. But Howard's site is not a porn site, it doesn't even show details on the girl's privates so I am not sure why he's trying to delete his trail. Any suggestions?

I do know that me "looking" at temp. cookies & seeing what he's looked at is not that great, there is a trust thing there but ONLY because one day I walked in to him viewing porn, jacking off & what not, I was furious b/c it was in the morning & not only was I in the other room (which I could have satisfied him) but my 6 year old son often wake's up early & wonder's around the house, I do NOT want my 6 year old to see/hear that stuff. So I've told him "if you are going to view porn or do stuff, be sure we are not home"...yet he is still going out of his way to look at stuff & try to hide his history of what he looked at on the net. I don't get it.

I want to confront him & say "why do you delete Howard's site from the history?" but then he'll say "why are you checking up on me?" but it's not that I want to check on him, it's that I am wondering why he feel's the need to hide stuff, why is that? We've been together for 2 years, just bought a house, have a child together & aside from this issue all is well. What's going on here???

Thanks
~C

[lurk]

Firstly, I want to say that the following is not meant to be accustory towards you. Everything I say applies to him as well, but you're posting, so you're who I'm responding to I perused a few of your other posts and it sounds like there are a lot of issues that barely have their surfaces scratched. One observation, there seems to be a lot of tit-for-tat when there shouldn't be any strings attached. "I do A, B, and C, so why shouldn't I get such-and-such," when doing A, B, and C should be done without any expectation of reward. You do them because you want to; if you do need/want something in return, make that clear from the outset. Don't hold a grudge if you don't get your way, tell him exactly what you need and didn't get. If he's totally unresponsive, then, well, you have your answer, sucky as it may be.

Anyway, as to the post above, if you can't be honest with him, you can't expect him to be honest with you. If you really want to know, you have to ask him. Playing games doesn't work. If you aren't willing to own up to snooping, why should he explain why he deletes his searches? My guess is that he is hiding it because he doesn't want to hurt you; although, I don't think this is a good approach since ultimately most secrets come out eventually and there is more misunderstanding than there would have been in the first place. You can rationalize that snooping "okay" because you caught him doing something you don't approve of, but that fact is, it's not. It means you don't trust him. If you wanted to know if he was still looking at porn (even though you told him it was okay if you weren't there), why didn't you ask? If you can't trust him to give you an honest answer and need to check the computer for the truth, why are you even married? It sounds like he's trying to avoid a fight over something you may or may not be offended by. Honest communication from both parties is the only way to keep a relationship alive. I would try something like...

"Honey, I know I shouldn't have, but I got paranoid and searched some history in the computer. Before I say anything else, I'm sorry. I should have come to you first. I am concerned, though. How come you deleted some of your searches? It makes me feel like you're hiding or keeping something from me. Even if I don't enjoy the same things you do, I don't want you to hide them from me. If you think it's something I wouldn't like, let me know you need some alone time to do your thing. I'll let you know when I need the same."

[bruins76]

To the above poster...

That is the best advice I've heard yet. I want to thank you for being honest, giving me GOOD advice & not telling me that I am wasting my time. You are right, I am 99.9% that he is deleting this information b/c he is afraid of confrontation w/ me & doesn't want to hurt me. Part of it is b/c when we first started dating he'd stay in bed w/ me until the last possible minute b4 having to leave for work. Then when I became pregnant, he started spending his mornings in the TV room w/ out me & not having as much sex w/ me, it hurt me cause I knew the reason was cuz he wasn't attracted to me as a pregnant gal. He never told me that, never admitted to that, but I knew it in my heart & don't blame him now that I look back at the pics of me as a pregnant gal, I was a moose! lmbo....

Anyways, the point is he knows that when he looks at other gals who have a perfect size 2 body, big perky boobies & what not, it makes ME feel insecure, this is MY problem 100% but it's cause after having 2 kids well...thing's aren't the same in my metabolism.

The point is, I am not secure w/ myself & I know that shows off to him. But at the same time him looking at sexy woman makes me feel bad about myself, like I am not good enough. Again this is my issue. I guess it makes' me feel like "oh okay, you must not be happy w/ my body, otherwise if you were looking at naked girls, they'd be bigger & not perfect like me but since you are looking at these perfect gals, then I must be turning you off"... Again, I am sure I am reading into this way too much here, but it's honestly what goes through my mind.

If he were honest in when & where he was viewing this material would it make me feel better? Probably not...but I feel worst knowing that he's hiding it from me, that he feel's like he can't trust me when I love him & wouldn't want him to feel that way. But in the same sentence I know we all tell "small lies" to keep peace cause some stuff just doesn't make sense to say when you know it's going to hurt someone.

The ONLY part that make's me concerned here is that since he's "TRYING" to hide his computer viewing, then what else is he hiding? It make's me wonder what else he may be trying to keep from me, KWIM? That's when I get concerned. If it's just the viewing chicks, then I can deal w/ it, not thrilled w/ it, but I can deal w/ it. My issue is the other stuff that he may be hiding.

Thanks for the info...I'll definetly have a conversation w/ him & use your suggestion.

~C