he doesn't want to have sex

[vzzmm]

I just had a baby two months ago. I had previously been having problems with my partner and sex. He does not want to have sex as much as I do. Even before I got pregnant and while I was pregnant there was always an excuse. Now that he is out of excuses he simply says that he "just doesn't want to have sex every five hours". We have only been together three and a half years. I am 22 and he is 32. Realistically I want to have sex a few times a week, I only get it a few times a month at most. I tried talking to him about it but he claims not to have a problem. I am always trying to get him turned on even suggesting things that I do not like to do but he use to enjoy. I am desparate and don't know what to do. I even threaten to leave him if this continues and he says that all I care about is sex. Its not true but I do want to have sex. I know I put on weight because of the baby but could that really keep a guy from sex. Is there something wrong with me or him? Aren't guys suppose to be the ones wanting more sex?

[bruins76]

BTDT... first off, he's 32, his drive is no where near what a 16 year old would be, you aren't in your prime either, which leads me to wonder if you want sex more to validate his feelings about your so you feel that you are loved etc. I say this cause I use to do the same thing.

Now...I also just had a baby, almost 6 mos ago, when I was pregnant, my DH wanted NOTHING to do w/ sex, I practically had to beg him or force him. Prior to baby, well...we have 3 kids all together, so we are busy w/ them, tired from working a lot (he is constantly driving all over the place & working crazy hours). Now that I am post-baby, we have sex more often, he does come to me more often but I've also become more secure about "us" so I don't feel the need to have sex all the time (several times a week which I still wouldn't mind but dont' need from him) to feel justified or loved by him, which is exactly what I used to think about sex. I didn't care about having it, I wanted to feel "intimate" to him, I wanted that "emotional connection"...guess what? didn't work. I ended up just feel empty, I had to realize that sex wasn't going to make him stay or have a better partner in my life. I have done this all my life w/ men, I grew up w/ out a father, guess it has something to do w/ it, looking for love by having sex w/ ppl & then them leaving me I'd feel empty. I actually discussed this in great detail w/ my therapist (it's an issue that's on-going).

Now I am not sure if this is what's going on or if you are aware that this is going on but I can almost put my $ on that this is what's happening in your mind as far as feeling lonely, unloved, insecure etc. It's something that no matter how you say to your partner is not going to be resolved cause it's really an internal issue that you need to come to term's w/ otherwise you will get worst.

Not sure if I helped any but I can relate to some degree.

HIH, GL
~C

[EvilEvilKitten]

Women do not truly hit their sexual stride until they are in their 40's. 32 is not too old either.

Yes your weight may have something to do with it or it may not. Wanting to have sex with him 2 or 3 times a week is NOT excessive and is, in fact, the preferred amount. Science has shown that 3 full orgasms each week is good for your heart - both men and women. If he thinks that 2 to 3 time per week = every 5 hours there's something wrong with HIM not you.

The real problem is he is NOT communicating with you.
Seek marriage counseling now!

[bruins76]

Marriage counseling isn't the answer to all evils, although it couldn't hurt.

Sex shouldn't just be about quantity, it's about quality... I'd rather have GREAT sex w/ my DH 2 times a month rather than "so, so" sex every day. That's just me though, I look forward to being intimate w/ him more cause I know it's gonna be great since we don't do it a lot & it doesn't get old. In fact the other day my DH surprised me and allowed me to do something to him that I've been wanting to do for over 2 years. Wow...I still get horny thinking about it. (TMI, sorry)... what I am trying to say is that sex isn't a deal breaker unless you only think of your relationship based on sex, which you shouldn't.

[EvilEvilKitten]

For some of us sex matters - alot! Yes, sex can be a deal-breaker!

The dissatsfaction can leak over into other areas which it might here if he's just blowing her off and saying her desires are 'excessive' when in fact he might have a problem - low testosterone etc. This lack of respect for her can do damage.

You two really do need to sort this out.