Previous partners #2

[James123]

My spouse and I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 great children. I come from an affluent, conservative, close knit, Christian family. She came from a good family, but family communication was severely lacking. When we were dating, we got around to talking about sex, before we had any with each other. I admitted I was 23 when I first had sex. She admitted she was 17, and had sex 3 times. This caught me completely off guard, and literally tore my inside up. I was devastated beyond words. I am considered good looking, and turned down so many offers, even as recently as a few weeks ago. I have never cheated nor will I cheat on my wife. 2 years ago I admitted to my wife that I was completely crushed inside on her losing her virginity at 17, the bozo was also 17. She then had sex with the bozo again, and then said never again to him. Naturally he left, but not before cheating on her. Some 2 years later they ran into each other at a bar (both now 19). He took her home, but not before taking her to his place and raping her. I say raping, because this was NON-consensual sex, she had had way too much too drink. She says it was a HUGE mistake in her life, and is so glad she met a decent guy (me). This has cut me completely in half inside. At times I am disgusted, disappointed, angry, and jealous? depurative, etc. We have been to marriage counseling. After 10 sessions, I walked out on the counselor after she told me to “just get over it” (Yes that is what I need help with, and why I went to counseling in the first place) and that it was OK for a 17 year old to have sex, and that they both had too much to drink and that it was OK for him to have sex (rape…my definition) her. I told the counselor she damn well needed counseling, and it is NOT ok to rape someone under ANY circumstance, and personally I believe 17 is quite young (mentally, financially and otherwise) to have sex. My wife agrees that the counselor was an idiot. I love my wife beyond words, but her past keeps haunting me. She is fairly uncommunicative regarding this situation (I understand why). Truthfully this is sending me around the bend; I have seen my doctor and he recommended stress leave from work, and counseling. Envisioning her with another man oops I mean “boy”, is just eroding my spirit, and our marriage. I am not against counseling, but it will be a very steep hill to convince me of anything other than my basic moral beliefs. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

J123

[Cleveland]

Your wife was the VICTIM of poor judgement and perhaps rape. By you being so bent out of shape, you are making her MORE of a victim.

The real question here is if YOU have the emotional intelligence to just LOVE her and grow your love together. She owes you nothing at all before you became a couple. If she has been true to you since, you both are blessed.

[Luvs2plzU]

I say "Thurston"...the world knows of no problems like yours???....
GET OVER IT DUDE...this is NOT about you!!...BEFORE you were married your wife was a VICTIM....Now,due to your low self esteem you are dragging this crap out on to the rug again for her to go thru...what a MAN!! and you claim "christian" upbringing!!...perhaps turn to the Lord for some forgiveness and begin to ask him to help you from being so self centered!!..You have a loving wife of 14yrs, 2 great kids and you SIR are complaining??...the funniest is when you tell a counsellor after 10 sessions "they need a counsellor"....yep..sure!!...She is fairly uncommunicative regarding this situation (I understand why)...do you REALLY understand why she is like this??...it's because she's afraid to bring it up with you,because you are acting like a little girl...she doesn't want to rock the boat with you...she keeps it buried so she doesn't affect your gentle fragile male ego psyche(sy-kee)...I here by REVOKE your man-card until you get the professional help that YOU require!

[coveresid]

You act like she did this to you which is not at all what happened. This was before she even knew you or had any thoughts about you. Everyone has done something stupid when they were growing up. This reads like you want to feel better about yourself by dragging her through the mud. It sounds like you are trying to maintain some power over her by continuing to bring it up and say how hurt you are. There is nothing that she can do about the past and change things, so I don't understand how fixating on it does you or your marriage any good. Hence the statement that you are using this to feel superior to you wife. Or do you just want to justify an affair by using this as the reason why. If you have had offers, "even just two weeks ago", it sounds like you are flirting and leading other women along which is wrong. Then you can justify even this by having "hurt" feelings by what she did when she was 17 and then the "rape" after that. She should have the same right to feel hurt by you having sex at 23 since this wasn't with you as I assume from the way this is written. Or are you just jealous that she had sex at a younger age than you and it bothers you male pride? Sounds like you have a good thing being married 14 years with two kids. Don't screw this up. I think you don't need marriage counseling, you need counseling so you can let this go and enjoy what you have.

[dancingdoc2]

The above replies are insightful, and then there is this: At any given age we are different than we are at any older age. The seventeen your old girl is not the person you fell in love with and that individual is not exactly the person you have now. As we age each of our characters, morals, and values change along the way. What was important at fourteen is not what was important to her at seventeen, when you met, or now. We continue to mature and to evolve as we age. Moreover, the sum total of our experiences and our decisions help to mold us into the person we have become, today.

That she made choices, good or bad or different than you might have made back then, you have to consider two things: first, that she is not that same seventeen your old girl; second, that those previous chapters of her life are a closed book. What do you hope to accomplish by dredging up her past? Hold her accountable? I believe she has accounted for it by being the person you fell in love with and have today.

The two of you have built a life together that now includes children. This should continue to be the focus of your attention. You have today, and, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. Your questions and concerns should be "what can I do to make the rest of today and tomorrow as good or better than right now?"

I see some righteous indignation being tossed in her face. That you feel depurative? This is just exhibiting an aire of superiority. Jealous? Of what, that you weren't the bozo? Something else? You make it sound on the one hand like the bozo did this to her, and if true, then why are you continuing to hold her accountable? That she was probably a willing participant in two of these experiences should be no more or less important than what you did at twenty three! If her teenage behavior and choices were so devistating to you fourteen years ago, why did you marry her?

I agree that you do not need marriage counseling; however, I do believe that you, James, need to talk to a professional about what it is within you that makes you want to continue punishing her. Let bygones be bygones and make the most out of what you have to work with, now.

[AnonymousGirl]

You knew this when you were dating, and for whatever reason it didn't bother you for the first 14 years of your relationship? And it's now that what your wife did at 17 is beginning to bother you?

In the beginning of a relationship it's natural to have anxieties about your partner's former love life. But if this starts to become a problem so long after you were informed of the fact, then there's got to be something else going on. Be honest with yourself and try to find out why what you've known about your wife's past all these years is just now becoming an issue for you.