OMG, he read my posts!!! (FYI)

[bruins76]

Okay so I've been posting a lot in reference to my man "committing" to me & the porn in our relationship & how it affected me.

You know how when you make a post or reply sexinfo101 sends you a notice & then you can double click to view the post w/ out logging into to the act? well my guy (last Friday)...decided to hack into my email, found the sexinfo101 emails, & read all my posts.

It's ironic cause he never said anything to me until Sunday that weekend, after he took me furniture shopping for our new home, spent over $6k to be exact. So we got into an argument on the way home from the furniture store & he said "I already know you have doubts about us, I read your email"...
My mouth dropped & I was confused, A) cuz I didn't know "which" email he was referring too cuz I don't email my gal pals about this stuff, I talk to them on the phone instead & B) how he got into my act.

He proceeded to tell me that he felt "insecure" & then went on to say that he was worried when he saw "sexinfo101" on my email, thought I wz having cyber sex or something, I dunno... he read my emails.

I looked at him & said "aside from the fact that you were snooping & decided to read PRIVATE information that is for my eyes only like a diary, was there anything on those posts online that you read that I haven't already discussed w/ you or told you in the past?" he answered "no"... so again, I went on..."did you find what you were looking for?" he got all pissed off.

Long story short...should I be upset that this man doesn't trust me enough to hack into my emails to read my personal information? Granted I have nothing to hide, nothing at all... As I said to him & I'll say to you guys, everything I've posted on this forum has been said directly to him in the past, perhaps not as boldly said but it has been said on multiple occasions.

How do I handle this? He has seemed to "let it go" cause I am sure he's embarrassed about snooping & looking a little insecure about how he's handled this issue. I just feel a little hurt that he snooped... again, nothing that I said was bad or something he hadn't heard.

He did say "I don't like my personal stuff being aired out & I am very private"...I pointed out "I've never used my REAL name on this board & I've never used yours"... it's not like I decided to send a letter to his place of employment in regards to our sex life or how I feel about him in commitment. KWIM?

Anyways...for those of you gals or guys who have posts on here, be sure you are prepared for someone to accidentally READ your info & if you don't want your guy/gal to READ anything that you wouldn't say to them to their faces, perhaps you shouldn't post it on here at all, it could come back to bite you in the arse!

~C

[Luvs2plzU]

you guys SERIOUSLY need counselling...and I mean SERIOUSLY!!!..the red flags are waving..he doesn't trust you and you don't trust him...maybe kinda harsh to say that...but...his trust level with you isn't what it should be for whatever reason...and your trust level with him isn't what it should be...he will NEVER...and I mean NEVER stop wanting to or having the urge to check on your emails.....we know about issues bothering you in this relationship...the porn stuff,committment,finances,trust,...from what I've read in most of your posts....you will tolerate these IF...he shows committment and puts your name on the deed or whatever...ready to sweep things under the rug IF certain conditions are met...love is not about CONDITIONS...love is about trust...at what part of Sunday were you most HAPPY?? before you went shopping?? after you spent 6large on furniture?? or on the way home??..there is some serious $$ issues or how it gets spent..that is trust..but then again...if either of you makes excuses for not wanting to willingly partcipate in counselling, then whats the point..it'll turn into a he said, she said and the downside is that the relationship will end up in a train wreck and there is a child involved...

[Cleveland]

Do you guys love each other?

[bruins76]

First off I've NEVER made any excuses to go to counseling, I go WEEKLY! Secondly I've begged him & even made an apt for us to go TOGETHER & he canceled & said "no way"...I can't make him go!

As far as the $ goes... he said "let's go furniture shopping" I said "why don't we wait a while"... we went & he'd ask what I liked & then he'd say "should WE get it?" (w/ his $ from his act) I said "it's up to you, it's your $ & I think we should wait a while"... so I never told him to buy anything or was all happy that he spent $6k on furniture, so you are reading that part wrong.

I trust him, what I don't like is him looking at porn, it make's me feel BAD about myself. It make's me feel yucky, I just had a baby, I have a right to feel bad, I don't have a perfect size 2 body anymore. I have stretch marks & need a tummy tuck & I am so not a size 2...not even close. That doesn't mean I don't trust him.

He is the one who is hacking into my emails...not me!

Now as far as me wanting to be added to a deed to feel secure, it's not about me feeling secure about our relationship that I want to be on the deed, it's about the fact we have kids together & I need to protect myself financially cause of the kids.

I do want a commitment w/ marriage but it has nothing to do w/ $, a wedding or a ring, it has to do w/ me feeling emotionally validated for all that I do,big difference. I love this man, not for his job, his $ or what he provide's for me, but for his heart.

I trust him, 100%, I've never SNOOPED into his emails, or read his mail or checked his cell phone...he's the one who is snooping into stuff that I can't get.

I told him that the ONLY reason I've posted about "our issues" on a site is cuz I need some advice, opinions...although I've talked to him about all of these issues several times, they've yet to be resolved. I talk to them w/ my therapist weekly so I do discuss them w/ a professional. Again, I can't make my guy go to counseling w/ me, I've tried that but he refuses, period. He's a grown man, not a child & you can't make an adult do something they don't want to do or don't believe in. I think he should, but that's me...

You are right, love is NOT about conditions... I don't have conditions on our love. I never have. The only thing I've said to him is that I have dreams/desires, to one day be married, I'd love it to be w/ him & if he doesn't want that then we needed to part ways. Love is not all that conquer's all, you have to want the same things. I never said "if you don't marry me then I am gone"... in fact, if he doesn't want to marry me I don't want him too...but he says that he does. I don't want to force anyone into legal agreements, but if I am a part of the family...if it is OUR house, OUR life...then he need's to stop referring to things as "my money"... "my house"... one minute he's all about "us" and "our" stuff, then the next minute it's "my money" and "my this and that".... I've told him, either we are a team or not, don't make me feel like everything is YOURS...it's either ours or it's not, KWIM?

He is reluctant cause of a bad marriage before me. He said that he's afraid of losing it all. I understand that...his ex took it all from him, but I am not his ex & I've proven that so I don't feel like I should be paying emotionally for what she's done to him. It's time to let that go & realize that I am a different person, I've proven that.

[Luvs2plzU]

if either of you makes excuses for not wanting to willingly partcipate in counselling, then whats the point..it'll turn into a he said, she said and the downside is that the relationship will end up in a train wreck and there is a child involved...
this is why I wrote..."either"...in previous posts you mentioned he didn't want to seek counselling...yes..you ARE involved in counselling...that doesn't make you better because you are and he isn't...it just shows that ONE is attending counselling and one NEEDS TO ATTEND counselling...it's obvious he has some serious issues about marriage/relationships that he needs to get attended to..and there is a TRUST issue whether you want to believe it or not..who cares who snooped ?? why was there a reason to snoop?? everything should be an open book!! why write something that you don't want your partner to find out?? Do you really think he HACKED your password or did you make a mistake and leave the page open and he checked it out??...like I said...RED FLAGS are waving all over the place...it's your choice to believe that or not to believe that...it really takes TWO people to form a loving trusting relationship and right now...I don't see that...anyways...enuff said from me...I'll come back and read this from time to time..Good Luck and I hope you make the best choices..

[bruins76]

First off...the fact that I seek counseling WEEKLY does make me a better person. I've made the apt's for us to go, I can't make him go...it's not an excuse, it's called "he's an adult & doesn't want too"... you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

I didn't air out anything on this board that he hasn't heard out of my mouth so I don't care that he read it, that's the point I am making. I even said to him "did you find anything that you didn't already know?" he felt bad cause he knew I was right.

I didn't leave a page up for him to find, in fact my history on my email is always removed as soon as log out so he in fact hacked into it, big difference. One thing is, I don't care that he read my email as I have nothing to hide. I care that he didn't trust me...which made him want to snoop, do you see the difference here? It's very different. I don't care what he read, it's not that I am cheating here, I care that he has trust issues, that is a red flag to me which is why I am concerned, that's why I've asked him to attend couple's counseling for over 5 month's now. He always has an excuse or get's mad & says "no, I'm not going & you can't make me"... almost like a child.

It's like me looking at his cell phone for calls, phone #'s or what not. I never have or feel a reason too. He on the other hand always says "who was that?" or "who are you talking too?" he is insecure. I feel bad. That's my point.

Posting online there is always a possibility of someone seeing/reading but back in the day before boards or posts, people wrote in their journals, now it's on a PC cause it's easier. I feel like he read a journal, personal thoughts, see how it make's me feel violated?

As I already said, I haven't written anything on these forums that he has yet to hear from my lips...I guess it's the act, not the details. It shows that he doesn't trust me, that hurts me cause I love him. I don't want someone that I love to be hurting or to feel insecure, when you love someone you don't want them to feel badly about things. When he's upset, I am upset, and visa versa...

Now I am no "Mother Theresa" for going to counseling, but at least I can admit that I have personal issues that I need to work on & that I want to work on. I am making the efforts... and I will continue to make the efforts b/c it help's not only me as a person, but as a parent & partner. I only wish he could see how it would help us as a couple.

[bruins76]

Originally Posted by Cleveland

Do you guys love each other?

What? Why would that even be a question? How is that question any help or make's any sense to say w/ out following it up w/ a comment or word's of ADVICE of some sort?

We love each other w/ all our hearts. No doubt that either of us are totally in love w/ one another. We are just different people who have a different way of dealing w/ things & it causes friction. We've been living together for 7 months but been together for 2 years, have a 5 month old & are moving into a house in less than a month's time. There is no doubt in both of our mind's that we love one another or that we want to spend the rest of our live's w/ each other.

[LittleFury]

If a guy HACKED my email account, I'd be running and running very fast.

[Browser]

He looks at porn and was worried about you having cyber sex?
Lmao.

Sounds like it's ending, Bruins

[bruins76]

As I have mentioned b4, I seek weekly counseling. Last night wz that session.

Surprinsingly, my therapist said that couples tend to 'read' each other's email "all the time" & although it is a violation in trust, it's not something to end a relationship over.

I mentioned to the therapist that I didn't understand why my guy wz insecure in our relationship to 'look' stuff up on me when I am not the person who is searching porn on the net etc. My therapist said 'you have no right looking at this man's history on the computer either' I told her 'he knows that I don't approve of him looking at porn w/ out me, although I have no problem w/ him looking at it w/ me' she said 'well...you are snooping too, you are looking up his history just like he is looking/reading your email, both of you are wrong'. I guess to my guy's "ONLY" defense...when he saw "sexinfo101.com" it could be a "flag" that someone wz doing their own form of cyber porn etc., it's not like the site said "babyzone" ...

One of my guy's comments at 1 point wz 'here you are checking up on me, telling me I can't look at porn w/ out you & then I saw sexinfo101 & I thought you were a hypocrite'... if I saw that on his email (which I wouldn't look through in the first place) I guess I'd think the same thing.

Either way, my therapist said we are both wrong. WHen I asked the therapist what to do since he will not attend counseling w/ me she said "that's okay, it's not for everyone, but you 2 need to sit down & talk things over when you are not in the middle of a heated discussion, maybe go out to dinner & talk about things there & agree that there is no yelling & don't go over more than 1 issue at a time".

My therapist said that although this behavior from both of us is unhealthy, it's common in the 1st years being together. She said "you two just started living together like a married couple, you have to get the kink's out & learn how to mesh better, over time it usually happen's & these type of issues of insecurity does dissapate".

With that said, I don't think that I need to run for the hills or that we aren't going to make it. I just think that it's a matter of getting over some past trust issues that are currently being brought into the current relationship which I am pretty much sure that most of us do in some shape or form.

I know I have "insecurity" issues & other things that I wont get into since they aren't relevant to this topic, but this is why I've been in therapy on & off since 92 & after many therapists I finally found one I was able to "mesh" with, up until 2004 I didn't like any therapist & would stop seeing the one I would be seeing, now I see "Lawra" and we get a long well & I don't feel bad about myself when I talk to her.

I guess what I am saying, no one is perfect. This man didn't cheat on me, I didn't cheat on him, we do love each other & have a child together, these aren't issues that cannot be resolved as long as both parties are willing to get through them & work on them together.

Thanks for reading
~C