Brother having affair - Need advice quick....

[underpressure]

I just discovered that my brother is having an affair with a 18 year old woman. He is 32 and has a wife and kid (and another on the way)

What in the he11 am I supposed to do about this?

My sister-in-law and I are far from best friends..I could actually really do without seeing her, but my niece and my soon to be nephew/niece are the real concern.

I know my brother has been unhappy in his marraiage for a couple years (at least). I'd like to see him happy without him throwing his life away...but I fear that is what he's doing. Surely some fling with an 18 year old is not long term happiness...is it???

What do I do about this situation? I let on to him that I knew exactly what is going on (I don't think anyone else knows yet). He avoided the topic... wouldn't let me use his cellphone to text anyone or make a phone call, obviously hiding something.....

HELP!

[dancingdoc2]

You are correct to be concerned about the child(ren), as should he. I often wonder why people do not put as much time, effort, and energy, into working on the existing relationship that s/he does with a new fling. You might put a bug in his ear about these two.

If the present relationship is not going to be fixed, then he should get out before starting a new one. Other than these, there probably isn't much you can do.

BTW, an 18 y/o female is not a "woman".

[WallyLlama]

Frankly, this one's easy. He clearly doesn't want your help. The only question you have to ask yourself is this: will making this explode in everybody's face help a thing? Just how do you propose to "help?" I'm guessing you think it involves exposing the affair.

I'll gently suggest that if you didn't make his unhappy marriage your business, then his current behavior isn't really yours either.

And I'll quickly add that is not meant to condone his affair or behavior. But unless you know how to HELP, all you're doing is playing relationship police and you're showing up late. It's entirely possible it is a fling, he'll realize the error of his ways... doesn't make it right, but COULD happen. Is the fling any more "damaging" to the children than the unhappy marriage?

The fact that you don't think much of your sister-in-law also makes you a poor candidate to be helpful.

The only course of action is the one you've taken. From the last paragraph of your post it sounds like you are actually not absolutely certain. Yet another reason to do NOTHING.

[learning]

I to a agree partially with the above post but must stress that I believe, as his sister, you should approach him regarding the "fling".

This needs to be carefully thought out as an in your face "attack" will achieve nothing but resentment between you. You say you let on that you know, my only concern is how? Did you drop a hint that may have been missed.

Are you older or younger then him?

You need to put your feelings for your SIL aside as this is about HIM as a father, husband and brother. Attempt to be as uncofrontational as possible and mention to him that he has a family and responsibilities towards them.

These things, "flings", have a way of coming back to bite you in the arse when you least expect them!

[bruins76]

I know some would say to stay out of it, but if there are children at risk, I'd tell your sis-in-law, but that's JMO. Firstly I'd warn him that if he doesn't come clean w/ his current wife (whether it's to separate from her & get a divorce cuz of this fling or work it out) he need's to be honest, that's part of the vows in marriage & it's being totally thrown out the window by your bro at this point.

Again, I'd say 'tell her'...maybe not in person, or the phone, maybe send an anonymous letter w/ it TYPED not written...but I'd do it. She has the right to know, she is pregnant & this is horrible, there are kid's involved, this is sabotaging.

ITA w/ one of the posters, this 18 yr' old is NOT a woman, she's a child herself.

HIH, GL

[i<3karma]

Woman and Man are just worda and 18 is just a number. alotta help you people are stop acting soo closed minded. everyone is a child if you percieve them as such. how about ....most.

[Wagie]

Speaking for myself only, I would definitely stay out of it. I might speak with my brother, being extra careful not to be judgemental - I sadly find a lot of it in earlier replies... It is "their" life after all and this is not an exercise in imposing my personal values/moral codes.

[unknown11]

juss either in my opinion ask him if he is and y cheat when u could end the relation and start new or fix
ur relation

[browneyedgirl]

Originally Posted by i<3karma

Woman and Man are just worda and 18 is just a number. alotta help you people are stop acting soo closed minded. everyone is a child if you percieve them as such. how about ....most.

I absolutely agree with you! I don't think her age is important. I do think that if I were the wife, I would want to know about the affair. I also think it's not up to you to tell her, though. It has to come from your brother. You can nudge him along, but his wife deserves to hear it from him.

[pozzolane]

Originally Posted by i<3karma

Woman and Man are just worda and 18 is just a number. alotta help you people are stop acting soo closed minded. everyone is a child if you percieve them as such. how about ....most.

Man and Woman are just words?...

I don't understand your point. At all. 18 is way too young to be getting involved with a 32 year old married man. That is a fact. I don't care what anyones arguement is for what I just said. There is a world of difference between 18 and 32. And the simple fact is in this case, this man is having an affair with this young girl simply because he wants sex and she provides it. It is NOT a relationship other than that.

Besides that, I agree with Wally. Stay out of it. If you want to help, be there for the children when the divorce happens to provide extra support for them.