09-26-2006, 01:47 PM
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He won't commit to me
I have a problem w/ my man & our commitment... Here is the dilemma...
It is sad that I’ve allowed him to move in while I play “housewife” and raise his children and he’s never taken that important step to make our relationship permanent and official. He’s come up with excuses that he is not ready, then he says that he is ready but he wants to get enough money to buy me a “nice ring”…yet in the same month he’ll drop almost $3k on a washer & dryer, $2k in an investment on-line…I guess I am not a sure investment in his life yet he has had no issues jumping into bed with me to create a child together. In his mind, he thinks that since he is getting what he wants, why should he need to get into a deeper commitment to get the same that he already has? I guess it’s time for me to wake up!! He’s clearly selfish & doesn’t take our child’s welfare and sense of security seriously. It is time to say leave & start a new life if he’s not committed & find somebody who will commit & love me enough to make me an honest woman. I feel mislead & misguided. I realize that he has reservations because of his prior marriage, but I believe after 2 years I’ve not only proven that I am a different person, but that I have no desire to take advantage of him in any way as his first commitment did. He says that he is committed to me, but in my eyes this emotional commitment is not good enough. I feel as though I’ve “earned” the right to be married, to be a wife & have a husband. I do not want to be married just to be married, I don’t even want an elaborate wedding, I’d be happy w/ eloping in Las Vegas w/ just the 2 of us. To me it’s NOT about the wedding (although I wouldn’t mind it but I do find it a waste of money when you have other bills or things to do w/ your money such as college fund for the kids or updates on a home) it’s about being married to “him”…I love “him”…I want to be his wife and I want him to be my husband. I don’t expect a fairytale, but I do expect that I’ve earned the right to be married at this time. I feel that I’ve compromised on my feelings & enabled him to have thing’s go HIS WAY…yet the funny part is he frequently says “I feel that I’ve lost my freedom & I’m trying to get that back”. What freedom has he lost? He goes out w/ his friends when ever he wants, he’s even had a weekend away right after I gave birth to our son, left me for an entire weekend actually. I’ve yet to have 1 day, 1 evening or afternoon away from the kids, the ONLY time I’ve been away from the kids is so I could go to the hospital for an ER because I was passing out, or my weekly counseling appointment that I have to attend otherwise it’s considered a breech in my therapy, as if that is such a “break” for me from the kids. Do I love this man? More than anything, I love him just as much as my children, I look at him & see my future, I adore his touch, his voice, and how he’s allowed me to be myself w/ out judgment. I truly have the desire to be this man’s wife, why am I not good enough? Is it that I’ve made the mistake in having him move in prior to us being engaged & having a date set w/ a hall booked? Should I have avoided our cohabitating? I feel like he told me that he would marry me just to shut me up, he said that we’d be married by the time our newborn turned 2, our baby is now 5 months’ old (approaching actually), shouldn’t we be engaged for a year before we get married? Doesn’t that make sense? He said that we should wait until our son was 2 so that we could go away, what NORMAL human wants to baby-sit a child that is 2 so a couple can get away? No one… that’s another excuse for not marrying me or purposing to me. Then he’s discussing a new truck, something that will cost approximately $20k, again more money that he has no issue dropping yet I remember the morning that he said “I can see myself marrying you” & when I said “are you saying this to shut me up or do you mean it?” he said “no, I need to get enough money to buy you a nice ring”. Thos exact words came out of his mouth. I feel that he’s stalling… He did say to me “if I asked you to marry me tomorrow wouldn’t it feel pressured?” if he felt that he HAD to ask me & felt pressured then the answer would be yes, but if he had asked me that same day w/ the desire to marry me as I have for him regardless of coincidence it would not have bothered me. A lot has happened w/ us in our 2 year courtship; we’ve not only gotten to know one another but we had a baby together & introduced our children (from previous relationships) which are still a work in progress. I do see that our relationship has been on “speed” in some ways, but in my mind I feel that if you love someone you either want to marry them or you don’t, it’s that simple. So what do I do? We are in the process of purchasing a home. It’s at his credit, w/ his money (although I am contributing to the mortgage & the ENTIRE household w/ kids & I do earn money aside from this), I feel that if he wasn’t planning on marrying me then he wouldn’t want to get a house w/ me. There is a part of me that is scared to death that once I move into this house I will be trapped to stay there, that I will have given up my apartment to move into this new home & then once I am there I will have little to nothing to a place of my own (the current place I have is cheap & virtually impossible to get anymore). I am afraid that I’ll be trapped into staying w/ him, play his housewife, mother to his kids & cleaning/cooking lady & get no recognition by him making this official to MARRY ME…is this what he’s going to do? What do I do? How do I handle this? I do not want to FORCE anyone to marry me, I have no desire to manipulate him into marrying me either, in fact if he has no desire to marry me & make a commitment, then that is fine, but it’s time for me to move on & find that someone who wants the same things as I do, which is a marriage, and a commitment. Is it time to let this relationship go? Although I’d be heartbroken, I know that I would recover either way. I do want him in my life, I truly feel that he’s the one, but at this point I am not sure if I am looking through rose colored glasses or is he for real??? 
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09-26-2006, 05:05 PM
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He has the boyish notion of I want what I want when I want it and to heck with buying the cow when I can get the milk for free.
It is a shame that there are children involved as my advise otherwise would be to dump him. That there are children means that they come first. What would be best for them, staying together, separating? If the former, then what do you want to do to make things better? If the latter, then what would your plan be to make their life as good as possible?
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09-27-2006, 05:59 PM
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Ultimatums do not work.
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09-27-2006, 06:36 PM
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A few thoughts:
- This situation is too complicated, I think, for anybody (whether an amateur or not) to evaluate and advise based (i) on posts on the Internet (ii) from just one of the people involved. - The best advice you've got, by my lights, was in the other thread from WallyLlama. - On the ultimatum, I'm with dancingdoc. If that's what you want to do, you can skip the drama and just move out (or throw him out, as the case may be). - On the other hand (sort of), I'm not a big subscriber to the cow/milk analogy. It implies that sex is something the woman sells to the man in exchange for value, in the form of a financial commitment. This seems awfully backward in the 21st century, when I think we acknowledge that women bring more to a marriage than their sexual favors (indeed, the woman often brings at least her share of the earning capacity). Also, it casts the whole notion of marriage in a light which is at best meretricious, and at worst devious. A couple can get married, or remain unmarried -- and do either on whatever terms and with whatever financial and other commitments they feel like making. I've certainly known couples in which the man wanted to get married, and the woman didn't. And besides which, have you ever looked at the value of milk cow vs. a breeding bull? A more pointed (though also invalid) analogy might be, "Why pay for the semen when the bull is free?" Last edited by NizeGie; 09-28-2006 at 04:24 PM..
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09-27-2006, 09:19 PM
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The latest saying for ladies is...why buy the whole pig,if you can get the sausage for free...
 and the serious thing...talk to a lawyer and see what your legally entitled to..
__________________
Babies in the backseat of cars cause accidents, accidents in the backseat of cars cause babies.”. ...
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09-28-2006, 04:58 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"The most fundamental form of human stupidity is forgetting what we were trying to do in the first place."
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09-28-2006, 04:29 PM
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Quote:
Although ... if you analyze the metaphor a little bit: making sausage from a pig is a lot harder on the pig than taking milk is on the cow (not to mention taking semen from a bull).
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09-28-2006, 08:47 PM
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Do not move in with him into the new house and give up your apartment until there is a Mrs before your name. And do speak to a lawyer.
__________________
Got...bacon?
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