Wants me to "rape" her - need advise

[gentalon]

Here it goes i hope that someone understanding reads this and can truly help me.

My fiance and i are plannign our wedding and (chough) "wedding night" and she asked me to do somethign that at first made me a little un EZ, then i was fine with it after she explained it to me.

first my fiance was raped and molested when she was a child and an attempt was made to rape her by one of her friends when she was 14.

now what she asked me was, if i would on our wedding night tie her up cut off her clothes and have my way with her how ever i want and as rough as i want,
she said quote "Will you rape me?" now when she used those words it made me get un EZ i dont want to RAPE her, i dont mind the rough all my way do what ever i want sex.

so my question is is it still rape if she wants me to have sex with her like that?
and i know that you cant rape the willing, but she asked me to RAPE her.
i hope i dont sound like an idiot

[every_step]

No it wouldn't be rape if she has asked you to do so! Don't worry about that side of it. Roleplay in sex is totally normal, and i have been in the same situation with as you with my girlfriend, and yes at first it can make you feel a bit uneasy. But if it is something that she has asked for from you, then go ahead, make her happy, and at the same time enjoy mate!

[NizeGie]

Okay, yeah: there's a place for "role playing" and all that.

Maybe it's just me, but playing the role of rapist with someone who's actually been raped just seems like really dangerous ground....

"Un EZ"? Yeah. Really UNNNN EEEE ZEEEE.

[bruins76]

I don't think it's a problem to get kinky & if it turn's her on to have you tie her up & have your way w/ her (in all fun)...that's totally cool. But given the information of her background I'd be VERY concerned on her request that you "RAPE" her. I mean, not to get into too much personal info here but I was also sexually abused and I would NEVER, I repeat NEVER, EVER say to ANYONE "I want you to rape me"...sorry, but anyone who's had any sort of sexual abuse would never take those requests or comments lightly.

I have to wonder what's going on in her mind & if she's had any professional counseling for this issue that happened to her at 14, if not I'd say that this is a cry for help in a VERY weird way.

I dunno... if I were you, I'd tell her that you are not comfortable w/ how she requested having sex on your wedding night. Let her know that not only given the background that she has you don't like that sort of talk. Rape is a crime, and to associate that word w/ something bad/wrong is normal, anyone who uses that word lightly has serious unresolved issues.

JMO, HIH
~C

[Caitlain]

Originally Posted by every_step

No it wouldn't be rape if she has asked you to do so! Don't worry about that side of it. Roleplay in sex is totally normal, and i have been in the same situation with as you with my girlfriend, and yes at first it can make you feel a bit uneasy. But if it is something that she has asked for from you, then go ahead, make her happy, and at the same time enjoy mate!

I pretty much agree with that. I personally find it interesting that a rape victim would be up for that, but then again, I've never been raped.

One thing you do want to do is set up a 'safe" word that she can use so that if you get too rough for her, she can use it to stop you.

[dancingdoc2]

Good answers. Mine is that she should talk to someone about any unresolved issue concerning this part of her past before she marries you.

Roll playing is all fine and good at other times; what I find distressful is that she wants you to do this on your wedding night! This is supposed to be Act II of the wedding vows and the consumation of the marriage in which your two psyches join to become one if only for a moment in time. You are bonding and I don't see her request as having anything remotely to do with bringing the two of you closer together. I'd refuse and tell her another time--and why.

[demonbuttercup]

I agree, it is uneasy sounded of a person who has been raped before to use that terminology. Instead of maybe "rough sex" or S&M, bondage, etc.

I also agree that the wedding night should be romantic and "making love" not so much freaky sex... well maybe later on in the honeymoon some freaky sex.. but the sex you have the first time being husband and wife should be more romantic.. but that my 2 cents

[gentalon]

she told me that the reason that she wanted me to do this was to get her closer (forgot how to spell) for what happened to her in the past and also she told me that she wanted me to be as rough as i can in fact she asked me to fist her and like this would be the only time we would do anal is when im doing this to her.

plus i just wanted to say thank you all for the support and giving me your honest opinion on this situation it is very much appreciated

[WallyLlama]

I'll add a slightly different caution...

I'm not sure how close you are to a wedding date, but you might do well to put a lot of effort into discovering what your relationship really is, what you both really think and feel.

This goes beyond roleplay. Are there unresolved issues regarding her rape? Oh yeah... and I'm not sure a rape can every be totally "resolved."

But I'd suggest you both have some very open conversation regarding how you are going to deal with problems as a couple... and do some talking about what things you may not yet have shared. This is pretty big to be coming up at the last minute and, frankly, her plan is not particularly rational.

I would suggest you not agree to it.

Those who have recommended counseling are right.

[gentalon]

well i must say i find that all of these comments are truly insightfull and have to say that me and my fiance are going to get couples councelling very soon and i will ask the councelor abou this matter also thank you so much for your help i appreciate all of your comments