Just need help?

[Steve279]

My wife and I split up just recently. We lost trust in each other on many issues. We just kept having fights over stuff we couldn't agree on. Its been like that for a long time. I think due to us moving in before we got married and not dating long enough. Little lies started a bad marrige. Since we have split we are trying to be friends but both are very upset and miss each other very much. We are both scared to be back together and I have moved out. I can't decide if I should try to talk to her and see if we should date but live without each other for a few months and see how things go before getting a divorce. Our emotions are at a all time high and we want to be with each other so bad but were scared of what might happen if we just make up. Please help. Thanks. -Steve

[LittleFury]

Why don't the two of you try to see a marriage therapist, and follow the suggestions given in the session

[dancingdoc2]

A good suggestion, that. In addition, if the two of you can remain civil and want the relationship to work, then I believe living apart and dating for perhaps a year or more is the way to go. Use the time to get to know each other and to learn about likes, dislikes, goals, ambitions, morals, religions, children, money (handling) and all the other things that contribute to and make up a successful relationship.

[WallyLlama]

Caution: Human beings love predictability... the known, even if unpleasant, is at least known. It's possible that you are both missing the relationship even thought it wasn't the best. That's fundamentally different than missing each other.

A third party may, in fact, be very helpful...

There is nothing "magic" about how long you dated or when you moved in with each other... in fact, I've wondered about the logic of "taking breaks" to improve the relationship. Sounds a lot like not studying and hoping to pass a test.

I think you are right to be scared of "just making up." It appears that you both thought the relationship was bad enough to end it. Now you are second-guessing that decision...what has changed? The important question you haven't answered is this: What is the basis for wanting to be together now and do you want that enough to wipe the slate clean and almost literally "start over?"

At a minimum, you need that: an agreement to wipe the slate clean and start over. That is not as easy as it sounds; trust is a very difficult thing to earn once lost.

It's simple, but not easy. You both have to want a relationship (a very different one than the one you had) an awful lot... and you both are going to need to find relationship skills you did not develop the first time around including how to find agreements. Ironically, the first thing you'll have to agree on is that you both want to do this!

[star49gp]

Originally Posted by Steve279

My wife and I split up just recently. We lost trust in each other on many issues. We just kept having fights over stuff we couldn't agree on. Its been like that for a long time. I think due to us moving in before we got married and not dating long enough. Little lies started a bad marrige. Since we have split we are trying to be friends but both are very upset and miss each other very much. We are both scared to be back together and I have moved out. I can't decide if I should try to talk to her and see if we should date but live without each other for a few months and see how things go before getting a divorce. Our emotions are at a all time high and we want to be with each other so bad but were scared of what might happen if we just make up. Please help. Thanks. -Steve

My sister and her new husband had the same issue. And the seen each other outside the home like he moved out and never slept over not to say the sex never happened but it worked for them. Maybe you guys just need a little time apart but as for divorce I would hold off and try your idea talk to her exspecially if you know you still love her.