Past Sex Life Jealousy

[greenidentity]

Hello everyone! Some of you may be familiar with my situation from past posts. Here's an update and some new questions, if I may.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. Things are going very well. I never knew I could be so happy, and I know that this is partially due to us being so new but this is also more than a crush or infatuation. I feel a big love for this man.

Some of you know that he has a kid, and that the situation was very new to me. There were a lot of bumps right away with us and there still are some small ones as far as the kid and the ex go. His ex wasn't very nice to me at first, and his kid wasn't very fond of me. But it seems they are both coming around. I saw the ex at a family function and she was very nice to me. The kid is still a bit sullen but we are all going to do something this weekend, and he seems to feel ok about it. I know it'll just take time. In addition to these little progresses, me and my guy recently took a 4 day trip together and had a WONDERFUL time. I never once got annoyed wiht him or sick of him, which is saying something for me. I really hope this relationship is a fulfilling and lasting one, and it appears to be heading in the right direction.

So, here's the big problem this time. His sex life with his ex was about 10 times more adventerous than ours, and it REAAAALLLYYYY bothers me. Him and her have done some things that I cannot and will not do with him or anyone. And trust me, I'm no prude. I'm open to a lot of things but some of these things I just can't do, and especially not to "prove myself" to him. So as you can imagine, this is causing some sore spots with me. I feel like because I will never do the things he did with her, that I don't match up. Her being the mother of his kid does twist the knife a bit.

Here's what I DO know. I know he doesn't care for her anymore. I know that his past sex life with her means nothing to him now. He has told me repeatedly that what he feels for me is so much stronger and more fulfilling than anything with her, and that when they were together they were kids (they had thier child at age 17). I understand all that.

But when I think of some of the things they have done, I feel sick inside. I try not to think about things and I try to fight the images in my head, but it's getting to where I am even dreaming about things. I feel like, here he had this wild freaky woman who also birthed his beloved son, then here I am, Ms. 3 Positions, and childless at that.

I don't want this to ruin things, but I cannot STAND thinking of him and her together, and I hate feeling inferior even though he tells me I'm not. He tells me he feels bad for his past because it makes me feel sad. I tell him nothing is his fault and this is just me being stupid and jealous, not his problem. But he loves me so it affects him and I feel horrible, but also can't grasp any good insight to pull me outta this.

Any thoughts?

PS--I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum. If someone wants to move it to dating and new, that's where I intended it to go. Sorry!

[a.m.h.i.]

I'm a little confused -- you said you're open to deviant sexual behavior and then you said you're "Ms. 3 Positions". Were you just being cynical? If not, that does sound a teensy bit prudish, not to sound too mean.
But more generally, here's what I suggest: If this issue isn't going to hurt your relationship, don't give it a second thought. It sounds like he really likes you and may love you plenty without doing the things his ex did.
But if that's not the case, I suggest you take another look at the sexual positions/acts/whatever that you aren't comfortable doing and list them according to how much you hate them. The ones that aren't so terrible to you, try. He'll probably know how much you don't want to do them and the fact that you're trying to submit to his wishes a little on this issue will probably show how much you respect him. Even if you decide you never want to do it again, I'm sure he'll appreciate the thought.
: )

[greenidentity]

I'm sorry, I was being cynical. I'm not into deviant sexual behavior so much, but am open to trying new positions, tying up, hair pulling, sex toys e.t.c. That's not even close to what they've done.

This isn't about him wanting me to do stuff she did. Sometimes he will suggest stuff, and I will say no, and he says "Ok no big deal. I love being intimate with you in any way at all. I don't need to have this or that." It's not as if I say no to anything he asks, just certain things and those certian things, they have done. I know how to bend (literally hehehee), so this isnt about me not fulfilling him or vice versa. It's about trying to get past feeling sick everytime I think about them together doing stuff we haven't before it creates a barrier between us.

[WallyLlama]

I'd suggest you read all the threads that involve difficulties with a partner's past and discover some important truths... up to and including the fact that it is the past.

I, frankly, do not agree with a suggestion that has you focus any energy on the sexual aspects of your relationship; all that does is reinforce the difference (in your mind). I think you need to accept the fact that he has discovered that there's a lot more to life and a relationship than "adventureous" sex... and that he's found that "more" in you. He's chosen you. Why are you chosing his past?

Make the relationship adventurous and let the sex alone. I know, easier said than done. (I don't mean stop having it. LOL I mean stop competing with the past.)

Do, however, look at the spiral you are on... first you feel "inferior" because you're not a wild sex partner... and now you are allowing the fact that you "can't" get past it to prove that you are "stupid and jealous." How do you spell "self-destruction?" Or is it relationship destruction?

Insight? JUST STOP. I suppose you could spend some time trying to figure out why you are attracted (addicted?) to feelings of inferiority... sometimes knowing why we do things helps us stop. But eventually... whether it's how we feel or smoking or drinking too much... you just have to stop.

[greenidentity]

Once again Wally, you hit it on the head. Thank you for your insight, I think you are very accurate. I never thought about the sabotage/self destructive part of it. I don't know why I would do that, but maybe it's just so ingrained in me that I just do automatically.

Award for kinkiest sex of his life goes to *drumroll* His Ex! Now I have to take some time to seperate that from our current relationship, look at how good of a thing we have now and leave the rest of the junk behind.

Thanks.

[Brandye]

At some age, it is reasonable to assume that any new partner will have a sexual history. Some of it will have been good and some not so good. And do we really want to know the details?

You knew he had been married and had a son. What more is really necessary? Now that you have the information (evidently in great detail) there is nothing you can do. You are turning this into a competition with an ephemera. You cannot win. BUT the competition is only in your mind. We each have our own limitations. Hers seem to have included behaviour that would be beyond your limits. That is no reflection upon anyone; it is simply fact. You are probably better at some things than she. You will never know.

You are using information that is none of your business to beat up upon yourself. Let it go or turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[WallyLlama]

If I haven't posted this before, this is a good time and place:

Jet pilots don't use rear-view mirrors.

[SmokeV]

greenidentity, it's funny that I find this thread now. I am deployed and I have recently been moved to a camp with internet in my room, and my wife and I talk via webcam frequently while I am here. Recently our topics of discussions have turned to sexual matters. Oddly enough I am the prude, Mr. two positions, but I am changing my ways with research, thus I discovered this site. Well I have started asking my wife what she likes and discussing things and then one day she let slip something she likes and then went quiet. Well I have never done this so I know it was one of her previous boyfriends, and it drives me crazy because she was my first and only. Normally I don't think about her previous relationships, but now and then something comes up and reminds me. The thought of someone out there having been with my wife drives me ape$*#!. So your not alone here. It is hard to completely accept, but I Love Her so I suck it up and drive on.

[Sunofa]

yeah been there done that

[greenidentity]

Thanks all of you for your advice, and Smokev for your story. As for a new issue that came up a few nights ago, I found out that my boyfriend had been looking at pregnant lady porn. I don't know the extent of it, but I know for sure he had visited a site with naked pornographic pictures of pregnant women. He also had been searching for live nude teen sites. Now don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to my man looking at porn and having his own fantasy world. In fact I think it is very important that we keep that intact whether in a relationship or not, so long as it doesn't go overboard and hurt the relationship. My boyfriend has never even been to a strip club and I would be more than willing to let him go, and even go with him. Strip clubs are for fun and entertainment, I see nothing wrong with it or a dose of porn here and there. But seeing as how I have been trying to deal with this very new situation of him having a child with another woman, him being with her while pregnant, me not having or wanting any kids......the pregnant site thing really got to me. There have been 2 things I've felt somewhat inferior about and that is my sexuality compared to hers (which I had decided to just let go right as this all happened), and him going through a pregnancy and child with another woman. This discovery combined the two insecurities into one nice big ball of anger. I slept on the couch that night.

I decided to talk to him about it. It was a little messy. He felt like a jerk for hurting me and was (of course) a bit defensiv at first. I told him that he was entitled to look at things that turn him on on his own time, but finding out about this one did hurt. I know that I turn him on A LOT, and our sex life is great. I recently went on the Nuva Ring (first time on birth control for me and without any condoms with any man) so we could achieve a higher level of intimacy and closeness. It's been awesome so far. But knowing that pregnant women turn him on too is bothering me a bit. I don't think it's a big fetish thing for him, I think he was curious, and has always found pregnant women attractive/sexy.

I am trying to let this one go too, but it was almost like a double whammy. The teen thing bothered me only a tiny bit. I mean c'mon what straight guy doesnt wanna see hot young girls naked?? I do wish though, out of ALL the things out there available to turn him on, it wasn't THIS. On the other side of it, looking at all other areas of our relationship, they're great and it is very soon in the game yet. I hope this doesn't bother me in the long run. I hope with time these feelings of complete inadequacy will fade. They already have quite a bit over these last few months, with just a few big bumps to conquer (pardon the pun!!).