Need help please...

[reconsoldier]

My wife and I have been married for almost a year and ive been gone for more then half of it. Its putting a lot of stress on our relatshionship especially on our sex life. What can I do to help ease the pain my wife feels from me being away for so often and so long. Its part of my job to do this so its not like its going to go away anytime soon, and I love my wife and want things to work out with her very much. Any advice would be appreciated.

[dancingdoc2]

For starters, as the saying goes: "Keep those cards and letters coming."

If able, continue to talk by phone whenever possible
If able, continue to send/recv cellphone text messages
If able, continue to send/recv internet IM messages

Keep on keeping on...reassuring each other of your continued love
Keep on keeping on...taking care of the relationship's business by communicating about whatever that business might be to include bills and future plans.

So, while the dialog may be one way, just make do. If you can communicate occassionaly via the phone, then you can talk real time which is nice; otherwise, TM/IM or E-mail may have to suffice.

[WallyLlama]

First, thanks. I'm quite sure I speak for many when I say that your sacrifices and work on our behalf are genuinely appreciated.

There are lots of challenges associated with "LDRs" or long distance relationships... an important basic is that you both agree and remind each other that you are determined to "make it work." The "how's" can certainly get tricky.

A complete answer to your question could fill a book! We've had several threads started recently about LDRs and I think you'll be surprised to find that they are much more common than you might think at first. I'd suggest you "google" or other wise search "long distance relationships." There are any number of sites and forums devoted to the trials and tribulations.

Remember that they are. Much as this site attracts people who have problems or complaints, you'll hear a lot of whining and complaining about the difficulties of LDRs. They are real, but they are only part of the story.

If you choose, you can emphasize the positive aspects of your situation. One of the things that can happen in an LDR is a huge improvement in the quality of communication, because that is now the basis of the relationship. You can learn to listen with your eyes, ears, and heart... something many couples who are together 24/7 don't do! So while it's important to find ideas among and from others; don't get mired down and wallow in self-pity.

You can ease the pain by sharing the pain. Be sure your wife knows that you feel hers and, more importantly, you have your own. One aspect of LDRs that seems a bit natural is that each person sees their own world and unconciously forgets that his/her partner's world is just as big, just as scary, just as lonely. Sometimes it's important to remember that saying "I miss you" is not the same as saying "I know how much you miss me."

I'm not writing the book. Am I?

Don't emphasize the distance, discover the closeness. It is certainly easy to measure miles... the important stuff is a bit harder. Suprise her. Send her bits of yourself (not literally! LOL) and things that mean something to her and to you... allow yourselves to be silly and childlike some times. Draw her a picture. Send her a post card. Write her a story. Let her see your heart.

Don't do it for her; do it for you - the couple. I think it is so important to share the difficulties, just as you would if you were physically together. Making her a true partner in the solutions can "lift" her out of the problems in a very real way. You will both find your independence grows, but not in a way where you grow apart. It will be a wonderful adventure to discover yourselves and each other... and to grow closer and closer across the miles. There will be moments when you will actually forget that you are separated by distance.

[papurdawl]

i'm in a similar situation, my fiancee has been gone for 3 months. fortunitly we see eachother one day a week. For me i appriciate it but it doesnt seem like enough and yes our sex drive has become effected by stress from his work and the situation. He almost called everything off because we fight so much about him being gone. I agree with dancingdoc2, keep as much communication as possible. There are going to be alot of buttons that might get pushed from the fact that your gone, just approach everything with an open heart, the best thing you can do for her is be there and listen, and try to understand, its going to be hard. But things will get better. This is just a really hard time for women and we deal with it both inside and outside.

[fireblaze14]

im in a very similar situation... my boyfriend and i only see each other every two to three months. but he always makes me feel so loved by doing the thing doc already mentioned. phone calls and text messages are a must. just a simple "i love you so mch,baby" or "im so glad you're the one im spending my life with" in a text always gives my another boost. its always nice to know that hes thinking about me even though im not there with him. and you know what's a plus.... usually when you wait a while to have sex its better when you finally do. phone sex is a good thing too. it gives a little peek of what you have in store when you finally get there. have you tried it?

[bruins76]

I'd suggest phone sex, then tell her to invest in some toys to pleasure herself. In the mean time, send her notes, letters, emails to let her know how much she mean's to you, sometimes' send her erotic ones, don't be raunchy *unless that is where she wants to head* aside from that just keep the spark there while you are away that way she'll feel connected to you even though you aren't physically together, KWIM?

Are you in the military? I am guessing that cause that's usually why someone is gone for long period's of time. Regardless of your reasons, just keep the sparks alive, and it's also important for your wife to reciprocate these actions otherwise it wont work. So have this conversation & let her know that this is what you want to do & how to move forward. Talk to her about your desires, wants...and let her know that she's the one for you, hand's down and that she means the world to you. let her knwo that her pleasuring herself w/ out you around is also okay (maybe she feel's dirty and doesn't want to do it cause she thinks she should have too cause she is married) but let her know it's okay & that she has a right to do that.

HIH
GL
~C

[Browser]

His screen name is "reconsoldier," so I'd assume so.

Keep the communication up, Recon. Keep talking to each other every chance you get.

[bruins76]

Hey Browser....you know what they say about "assuming".... my screen name is "bruins" does that mean I am a hockey player or that I am married to one? NOPE
So why should I assume that this man is in the military when he never stated that he was?

At any rate... the point of my post (aside from someone being a wise a$$ & trying to point out assumptions) was that notes, letters, phone calls, text messages, phone sex & sex toys goes a long way when you are constantly apart from your guy. I once dated a Navy Seal and had to go through all of this. Now I am w/ a veteran Marine from the Gulf war, although he is not stationed in the Gulf anymore, he is on-call & we barely see each other, by the time he does come home, he's overly tired & this has affected our sex life. We exchange "sexual" words, nice phone calls etc., keep's things where they need to be.

HIH & GL
~C

[WallyLlama]

His handle is "recon-soldier" and his location shows "stationed at Fort Lewis."

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it might be a duck. No harm in reaching that conclusion, but no obligation to reach it either.

I also "assumed" military, that's why I posted some appreciation. But the bottom line is that it doesn't matter and it's not the issue. No need to make it one, really.

[bruins76]

But the bottom line is that it doesn't matter and it's not the issue. No need to make it one, really.

If it isn't the issue then why do people keep posting about it?

I posed the ? to him to "make sure" that is where he was etc., I know in the past I've used a user name like "police" b/c my ex husband was a cop, not cause I was a cop. Should ppl "ASSUME" that I was a cop based on my user name at the time? Give me a **** break! If it's not an issue...then do us all a favor...stop posting about it. I asked the man a ? not to "assume" now I am being ridicluded? What the hell is wrong w/ you ppl? Drop it!


Now...back to the actual issue at hand.

I do hope you can resolve the fact that your wife is sad/upset about you not being around. Being involved w/ someone who is deployed most of the time is very difficult for many reasons, not only physical/sexual. There is that constant concern of where you are, if you are okay. Then there is the aggrevation cause you are at home and you are waiting for them to return. Have you ever heard that song "Where'd you go?" by Fort Minor featuring Holly? It's a PERFECT description of how one feel's waiting for someone as they are not around, a good video too...they have real ppl on there that are going through similar situations.

How long have you been gone? How much longer will you be gone? Do you get to call her daily? Some ppl do and some can't. Is she alone on a base or is she surrounded by friends/family? A good support system for her to keep her busy is key. If she is not already involved on this site, I'd highly recommend "www.militarywives.com" I frequented this site and was offered lot's of support while I had to go through that.

I do hope thing's work out for you. It take's 2 strong ppl to get through it but it's worth it as long as you can, may key is trust...it's so hard sometimes cause you don't know what the other is doing & sometime's your mind starts to play games on you. It sounds like you are a caring husband & want things' to work out so w/ that positive attitude I am sure you can get through the rough patches of your absense.

Take care & be well,
~C