I'm starting to feel bad about my relationship!

[Relicxx]

Hello folks,

I'm actually starting to think i'm having a problem in my relationship, i often have bad feelings or a feeling of disluck, even thought i have big feelings about the girl.
I'm afraid but not sure, i think i love her, but it could be my mind lieng, let's say i just really feel for her, thats the best way to summary it. (this might be quite a read, but i really need help!) Anyhow
I'm having an relationship with this girl now for about 8 - 9 months. she is (18) going first year to the univeristy to study psyhics and chemistry. Me (19) is studying sales at a community college.
We met at a bar and after that we went seeing eachother and actually spoke of relationship after a month, the first time we had sex was after 3 months. The thing that creates a problem for me is her attitude with learning sometimes and she seems a bit, sometimes, pulled to herself (not sure how to say it right) a bit of distanced girl. A girl seeming to strive for perfection alot, while i'm a bit more optimistic and a little bit idealistisch. First problem is: I love romance a bit, and hanging on eachother a bit and a little bit of kinky (biting even just kissing and) stuff, and sometimes i just do it at her. She just always seems to holdback,- when watching tv she always just focusses on the tv while i'm like ''heck im sitting here to, please lay ur head on my shoulders'' and never she does a kinky movement, she at maximum only holds my hand or strokes me on my leg. (oke this she does when she's at me and we kiss a bit sometimes)
but at her place when sitting in her livingroom she acts even more distanced. Holding hands is about it. I just like touching eachother at the weirdest times.
We have decent frequent sex, no problem about that.
Second problem is: She studys at univeristy level, no big deal to me (i've alot of friends who also study at the university.) But let me write it today, she went to my place (friday) we watched a movie together, fun and all and she did her pulled-back actions and when i try to kiss her a bit for a moment she says ''im trying to watch te movie'' ah well bah. anyway we both have to work the morning and afternoon on the saturday and i ask her if she wants to meet saturday evening. But that's a no, because she has to ''learn'' on a saturday! she says that very often when i ask her to meetup. SO often. i've never had problems with friends (with who i have hanged out ALOT) saying they have to learn. And then she has her football after summervacation again, that's 3 times training in the week and sometimes a match on saturdays i've told her that im not really ok with it and that i wonder if she has still time for me (which i pretty doubt, that she will have enough) next to her college at univeristy which seems to give problems now already when being in the summer. I really just dont know, it irritates when you call your girlfriend ask if she wants to meetup and comes with excuses such as ''i have to learn'' or ''i have to practice footballl 3 days a week'' and then she's almost every night bussy. and after football she's tired. ARGH.

I really dont know what do about it!
Some guidance would be nice.
I just have the feeling sometime that she's emotionless, the woman i love i would like to see 3 - 4 times a week minimum, and i'm asking myself is she can up to this number when school starts. Is this a normal relationship? My feelings seem very ackward.

Are my feelings normal?

Should i do the same to her? when she askes to meetup i say ''no i have to learn''? Or just confront her and say im really not ok with it or even worst. Say that she has to change or that it otherwise might not workout.

I was also cheating when i went on holiday, i went with this girl for three weeks, i was so frustrated about my relationship and all, wondering if she's the one. that i didnt care about me cheating. With the girl i went with on holiday, i had a great time, she was kinky, good looking, gave me much care and all. Laughed at my jokes, smiled at me, stared at me friendly instead of tired, It came to a far point that we had sex with eachother.

[papurdawl]

I dont know what type of advice to give, it seems like you'd be happier with someone else but your trying to keep yourself with her because she might warm up to you are things might get better. It doesnt seem like shes to serious your both younge and in college, alot of people at that age just want to have a good time and thats it, maybe thats what shes looking for. If you want something more serious i would suggest looking else where. While cheating is always a sign in a relationship, i think you should take notice. Somone else will be able to give you what you need, while at the same time if you distance yourself maybe she'll miss you and come after you. Women are strange creatures, we want a loving caring romantic guy, but only so much of the time. Maybe she just doesnt know what she wants yet. How bout you try new things and maybe she'll come to you, and if you still want her at that point thats up to you.

[Relicxx]

thank's for ur reply. just about what i thought myself. Indeed woman are strange creatures. I just dont understand. I feel like i can be almost the most a woman can possible get (a romantic, and a bit attractive guy.) sorry if i make it look like bragging. anyhow i dont understand why my girlfriend just dont accepts me? and loves me like i love her. And the WORLD would be ours (thats how i would feel) ,- what you say she might still be deciding/thinking well that's perhaps a bit right but i dont like the idea.

dam there's an sence in me that tells me this is to pathetic for words to come with problems like these to a FORUM. Gosh :P

[papurdawl]

i think its sweet how sensitive you are and concerened about the relationship, more guys should be that way, but again like i said to women theres a time and a place to be sweet and romantic. Just give it a little time, try a few different things, like distancing yourself from her then she'll come to you and you'll get the things you need from her. it works with both men and women once you stop being there all the time they come running after you, its a game. Shes so desireable in alot of ways because of the chase, shes a hard one to catch and that keeps you interested in her more and more, while at the same time hurting you because shes not giving in 100%. She might have a hard time dealing with the fact that you cheated also, if not then all the better, But even if shes fine with it, are you fine with yourself for doing it or is that something thats going to make you feel different about her? just try different things see what works, its not a test but a way of seeing what she wants and needs that will make you both happy.

[Relicxx]

She doesn't know. the bad thing is friends have photo's/videos of me (with that girl.) this makes me very unsecure.

[Luvs2plzU]

Just say...I did not have sex with that woman!! giggles

[eddy]

just sit down and tell her that these are things you need in a relationship.
and if she can't give them to you - there is your answer

[dancingdoc2]

There are some things going on here that need 'splainin'.

First of all, your feelings are normal; however, your responses to them are not.

Studying at a university level requires much more from a person both in time and commitment. People acquire knowledge at different rates, and, depending upon what papers and projects are required by her instructors, she may have to devote much more time to these than you do.

Second, regardless of what type of institutions are involved, acquiring a higher education should take priority over everything else. Jobs are second, sports are third, and relationships fall where they will during these years. It sounds like for one thing, your priorities are different than hers.

You may have to sit down and have a discussion about the quality of your relationship and the direction she sees it moving in. It just could be that for right now, to her you are a friend with benefits. I don't know. What I do see her doing is organizing and prioritizing her life differently than you are.

As for not wanting to fool around during a movie, then try fooling around during those ten minute commercials!

> when sitting in her livingroom she acts even more distanced. Holding hands is about it. I just like touching eachother at the weirdest times. We have decent frequent sex, no problem about that.

So when does she respond to these ovatures? You may just have to be happy with holding hands and light non demanding caresses while she zones out during movies or whatever in order to unwind.

> And then she has her football after summervacation again, that's 3 times training in the week and sometimes a match on saturdays i've told her that im not really ok with it and that i wonder if she has still time for me (which i pretty doubt,

Well...that's just the price of poker.

You can be unhappy with her schedule and her interest in sports, but who are you to tell her to take a different path? Like you or anyone else, she has a right to enjoy other activities. Right now her interest and need for football might possibly be on a higher rung on the ladder than your relationship. Even if it is not, you have to make the most of the time you share together instead of just wanting to spend hours together of any quality.

> Should i do the same to her? when she askes to meetup i say ''no i have to learn''?

Well that is not a mature response. Tell her that only if it is true and do not restructure your schedule just so you have to in order to retaliate. Come on now! Busy people often live according to a calendar. Work together and plan some quality "we" time. I do think it fair to expect her to tune in to your special we time with as much interest and attention as she give a TV program.

> I was also cheating when i went on holiday,

And you are complaining about her (not) giving the relationship more care and feeding than you? I believe it fair to say that relationships during the college years are tough to manage as you are finding out. When it does seemingly work, it can be nearly impossible when a child enters the family during these years. Better me thinks that you spend your free time dating lots of people rather than focusing on the first warm body who shows some interest. Why? Because when the time comes for you to choose Ms. Right, the more people you have been exposed to the better able you will be to make the right choice. Dating is about sampling more of what humanity has to offer in order to learn about people's characters, likes, dislikes, interests, quirks, lifestyle, morals, values, and goals. The more exposure you acquire, the more well rounded will be your personality for your future partner. By not dating exclusively for a few years, you eliminate all the angst and drama and trauma associated with exclusivity and eventual breakups. I recommend dialing the intensity or the expectations of your interest in this woman back a notch or two and to be happy with what she can give. If this means being a friend with occasional benefits then so be it for the present.

Now, go "learn" and give your educational objectives more of your attention, also. If you do not have any outside interests be they a sport or hobby, go develop this aspect of your life, also. You have the whole rest of your life to find a partner and develop a life together. Right now your need for a higher education to shape the quality of your future is thee number one priority.

You are teenagers and this means that you are continuing a state of transmutation. While your bodies may be fully developed, and your hormones are raging often ruling your head, your brain has yet to become fully developed and this includes your personality and character, among other important factors. If you will devote some of your free time to dating several individuals you will have more opportunities to date while not having to contend with the hassles associated with exclusivity.

You should set aside some time to learn what her interest in you and your relationship is, what her expectations and objective for the present are, and then negotiate a plan that the two of you can adopt and be happy with. The art of negotiation is to give the other person the most of what they want without giving up all of what you want. In other words we give in order to receive, rather than to demand and take. There is a hugh difference.

All the best. Got questions?

[Relicxx]

I do have some questions, but i'll ask those later.
Please dont see this as an flame that what i'm about to write. it's just the way i think. if ur think im wrong or right about the following things then please reply

You are right for the most part. But some things are just not that simple.

What I do see her doing is organizing and prioritizing her life differently than you are

You are right about my priority's, they are probably indeed different.
My first priority is school following up close is my relationship.
My mind tells me that humanbeings have less feelings if there relationship stands lower in there priorityladder.
I think it's something to disguist, i think if you have prioritys such as these you have no right of saying you ''love him or her''. Dont you think you would be lieng to yourself if you did say you love him/her when your relationship priority is under college/sport/ecetera. (i would maybe even say you would not even know what love is.)

you have to make the most of the time you share together instead of just wanting to spend hours together of any quality

I automaticly see it as an quality time (in overall) when we spend our time together. However if if she acts distanced it sadness me.


> Should i do the same to her? when she askes to meetup i say ''no i have to learn''?

Indeed it's immature. but i do feel like doing so and saying things like these and distancing myself so she comes running for me instead of me to her. As reward a better feeling.

and do not restructure your schedule

I do not even have an schedule, i'm willing to do almost anything for priority 2, atleast as if i have decent time for my priority 1 (school.) Job will take an important place in my life after school. Right now i simply dont see it having top priority


Busy people often live according to a calendar. Work together and plan some quality "we" time.
I dont know, i've an unusual character, Optimistic and a bit idealistic. To give an better perception of myself, my character seems something like that of Owen Wilson (an acteur, incase you may reconize.) i dont like the word bussy. even thought i might be it sometimes i would denie it. I'm not to much into planning and have something like ''we'' time, i just want what i want when my feelings ask for it. Ofcourse i adept myself to the enviroment because not everything is possible.


And you are complaining about her (not) giving the relationship more care and feeding than you?

I do. before i met that girl on vacation, i tried it with this girl, had vacationgirl for 2 weeks came home and forgot about her (after a few weeks) and swapped to focus on my real girl. Now if she shows less or no interest these things can happen easily in the future, however i might think harder about it if i do another strike.

I recommend dialing the intensity or the expectations of your interest in this woman back a notch or two and to be happy with what she can give. If this means being a friend with occasional benefits then so be it for the present.

Anyway what i've learned from my girlfriend is that other girls are different like the one i met on holiday, i think the experience my girlfriend gave me did not benefit me alot because this girls character was quite different. Perhaps you are right on dialing the intensity a nod down, but it makes it so ackward i have had a bigger feeling of satisfaciton with that girl on holiday (as if she has the intensity and expectations on high) higher then my girlfriend in real while i've been seeing my real girl for so many months compared to a few weeks with that other girl, with that holidaygirl in only those two weeks we(or i) had an better time of understanding, physical aswell as fysicly. it was almost perfect. and i thank god for that greatful and unforgetful experience.

i have sports, fitness, skating, jogging, and musicalskills in pianoplaying, and gitar. But i'll start writting a book or something or study a few modules psychology.

teenagers

19 1/2 come on.. thats not a teenager.

I just pulled out a little conlusion: It seems ackward but i have the feeling she's putting up more like a man-attitude/nature: distanced, retreating to his cave to think about things.
While i'm more of a talker, discusser. i think pretty hard about social things. which seems to point direction to a female nature. A little bit ironic this all

Thank's for your reply, i have taken your meaning into decision but at some parts i think far from same. I've tried to enlight the things you wrote with my own thoughts about it.

[dancingdoc2]

> Please dont see this as an flame that what i'm about to write.

Not at all. Thank you for the feedback and additional information.

> You are right about my priority's, they are probably indeed different.
My first priority is school following up close is my relationship.

All well and good. This takes us directly to the sitdown discussion mentioned in the previous post.

> My mind tells me that humanbeings have less feelings if there relationship stands lower in there priorityladder.

A true observation, usually.

> I think it's something to disguist, i think if you have prioritys such as these you have no right of saying you ''love him or her''. Dont you think you would be lieng to yourself if you did say you love him/her when your relationship priority is under college/sport/ecetera. (i would maybe even say you would not even know what love is.)

Hmmm....a couple of observations on my part: First, at 19 1/2 y/o, many if not most young adults have yet to know and experience real (mature) love. For the most part kids are still dealing with infatuation and puppy love. Mature love is borne from a combination of additional maturity and life experience. It can certainly be acquired at your ages, although not usually.

Love can have different qualities:
* Love = a stronger attraction than simple friendship
* Love = a committment to be there for someone, to support, and to do things unasked
* Love = a quality of "being in" that is all of the above and more.

http://www.amnion.org/sexuality-truelove.html

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/?q...8135819AAB5opS

> A person can love another and not be "in love". Similarly, we can be in love and not able to feed and always care for the relationship. Such a case is when a loved one is serving away from home in the military service.

> I automaticly see it as an quality time (in overall) when we spend our time together. However if if she acts distanced it sadness me.

OK, however, you need to learn how she views these times together.

> Indeed it's immature. but i do feel like doing so and saying things like these and distancing myself so she comes running for me instead of me to her. As reward a better feeling.

I understand. This approach if acted upon usually backfires. You do not want to distance yourself. That's like taking one step forward and two back. If you want to move the relationship forward, then be available and also be there for her.

> I do not even have an schedule, i'm willing to do almost anything for priority 2, atleast as if i have decent time for my priority 1 (school.) Job will take an important place in my life after school. Right now i simply dont see it having top priority

One thing your course study in sales may not teach you is this work ethic I learned a long time ago from a former boss. "Plan your work and work your plan." When you get out into the real work world, you will want to adopt this way of organizing your work day and week. Even if it is a loose knit accumulation of things to do, you need to have a schedule and then to integrate it into hers so you can have "we time" in one of those blocks.

> To give an better perception of myself, my character seems something like that of Owen Wilson (an acteur.) I'm not to much into planning and have something like ''we'' time, i just want what i want when my feelings ask for it. Ofcourse i adept myself to the enviroment because not everything is possible.

The latter is a typical teenage mindset with childish roots. When you team up with another individual in order to form a partnership, you have to work together. Pull together on the same end of the "rope" or situation and not at opposite ends in a tug-of-war. A partnership is what we do with and for one another, not what we demand and take. Two people go together to form a relationship because they want to be there. They often lead individual lives, have separate experiences, then come together and share and contribute to the common good.

Yea...until your next birthday you are still technically considered a teen. A young adult's brain continues to develop for another one to one and a half years! A person's character and emotional components continue to undergo major developement well into the twenties. So who you are now will not be the person you will become in three, five or ten years hence. Who and what you like may remain the same or change dramatically.

> i have sports, fitness, skating, jogging, and musicalskills in pianoplaying, and gitar.

Well, alright!!

> But i'll start writting a book or something or study a few modules psychology.

Before you begin typing, you might want to take a class in spelling or to rely upon a spell checker in your word processing program. Same goes before you begin to write any sales proposals if that is to be a part of your business life in the future.

As for the latter, a good place to begin is with books on maintaining relationships and learning how the opposite sex thinks and processes information.