How to ask wife for oral sex

[kaj65]

Okay, here's the Readers Digest version of our relationship:
We've been married 18 years and enjoy a very good sex life. We make love about once a week and our lovemaking lasts at least forty minutes almost every time. My wife also reaches orgasm every time we make love. I enjoy pleasuring her orally and she really enjoys it, too. We've become very good lovers and we tell each other often how much we enjoy making love. However, my wife is quite conservative when it comes to discussing different techniques, and while I have performed oral sex on her countless times, she has never performed oral on me - not even a little - and has never offered. Because she's timid when it comes to talking about sex, I don't know how to bring up the subject and I don't know how to should ask her if she'd be willing to perform oral sex some time.

So, if you're a female, how would you like your partner to ask? Be specific. How would you like to hear it? When? Where? I don't want to introduce it during foreplay because if she's against the idea it would be very awkward.

Thanks in advance for the info.

[open to ideas]

In my first relation with a guy I was not treated well and had a few bad experiences with oral sex so I have an aversion to it. I am also very shy about that kind of stuff. I got over some of my fears by kissing my love all over. Until I could get close with out a negative response. Then I kissed him on his penis for awhile until I was comfortable. Then I started kissing his head. And then putting it in my mouth. Taking each step when I was comfortable. I am still not fully comfortable with doing that and I have been doing it with him for 9ish months. It took me like a month and a half to be able to put his head in my mouth. So it is not like you can ask her and her do it that is too daunting if she is like me. You are going to have to let it come in parts. You can tell her your intentions and make it clear that you don’t expect her to do it and leave it at that. Tell her you want to be kissed all over and see what she does. Let her take it from there. Then if she does not after a couple of weeks mention it again. I believe that would be the smoothest way if not the fastest. I was so happy with my love for not pressuring me and not bringing it up a lot I feel much better about doing it and I am proud that I could all by my self. Doing it on my own with out goading made me more confident with my sex life and really helped me open up and may have the same effect on her.

[dancingdoc2]

The best time to talk about these and other matters of the heart is when the two of you are not planning on being intimate anytime soon. The actual approach to framing your discussion depends on how you talk to her. One idea is to inform her that you want to talk about your sex life and how great it is and then to tell her that you enjoy stimulating her orally just as much as she seems to enjoy receiving it. The next step might be to tell her you long for her to give you the same enjoyment. Tell her you want to discuss why she has not recriprocated and that you will listen and give her any answers to questions or concerns she has.

Common concerns are:
* I just know he will want me to ejaculate in my mouth and I don't want him to
* How do I keep him from cumming in my mouth
* If he does how can I keep from gagging
* What if I scratch or scrape him
* I don't know what to do so better I don't do anything so he won't think badly about it
* What about the taste of semen and what if I'm grossed out by it

She may have one or more of these concerns or something else.

Here are some answers:
a. It is completely up to the woman whether or not she wants her man to ejaculate in her mouth. Her decision on the matter is final. Inquire about her stand on this and then offer whatever reassurance is necessary.

b. She sets the limits. It is up to you to inform her in advance of loosing control for two reasons. First, so she can change tactics (stimulation) in order to speed you along; second, so she can remove your penis from her mouth; third, so you have time enough to pause, let the sense of urgency subside, in order to shift around an get into position for intercourse.

c. To prevent semen from flying to the rear of her mouth and touching the Uvula that will cause the gag reflex, she sould raise the tip of her tongue to the roof of her mouth so that the semen squirts against the bottom surface. She can then deposit the semen in a tissue when convenient, or, if it is her desire, to go ahead and swallow.

d. This is simple. She should wrap her lips over her teeth, moisten them, so that the penis can slip and slide between her lips. It is only necessary to open wide enough to let the penis in. Opening wide often causes the jaw to become sore and tired.

e. Making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. By now you should know that exploring and learning is something you do together. Nobody will be great the first time or two so you just keep doing it and taking your cues from the other person's reactions. Think about learning to ride a bike and why training wheels were invented.

f. The taste of semen like the taste of vaginal mucus is an acquired taste. There have been several threads on this in which people have mentioned that by chaning your diet you can also change the taste. Look around if need be.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[BigKahuna]

From my point of view, you have a goal. Your goal is to have your partner perform fellatio on you... but not just perform fellatio, good fellatio, the kind that comes from a partner that has a hunger... not the kind that has no love...

Before going into a plan of attack, you must prepare yourself for the possibility that performing oral on you is something that she may just never want to do... In which case, no head is probably better then bad head... from both people's perspective, as well as the relationship.

That being said, she needs to think about it before she can start doing it... She's got reasons why not to do it, and until enough of those reasons fall, its not goint to happen.

The way i see it, there are really only 4 ways to make that happen:

1) Leave some clues... like the cunnilingus page on this website up on your monitor. When she sees it, she may find herself on the fellatio page and inspiring herself.

2) You can bring it up with her, perhaps in the middle of a conversation about sexual fantasies, or just in a conversation. If you trust her enough to commit long term to her, you should trust her enough to say what's on your mind. Good communication is a key to successful relationships.

3) You can go together to a sexual therapist to discuss the issue with a pro third party there to mediate and encourage positive conversation.

4) If you are close with her best friend, you can talk to her about it, but this could blow up in your face... "why didn't you just talk to me about it!?!" Many people don't like their personal lives being shared without their permission, so consider this as a last resort only. Depending on the friend, they may be able to sell her on the idea, or maybe just find out why she is against it...

Make sure not to press the issue... if you do, your efforts could have the inverse effect.

[WallyLlama]

Read #4 of BigKahuna's post several times... because I think anything short of reasonably direct (but gentle and probing) approach carries risk not only of backfiring, but also of being hurtful.

It's possible that you've built her timidness and resistance bigger than it really is... very easy to do that... you "get used to" something and simply never challenge it. See... she's not the only one who's timid, really. You are "afraid" to introduce the subject...

Option: tell her you are afraid. If you and she have a good helping relationship, you both need a little help here... get it from each other.

Option: ask her (you can make this a game) to come up with one sexual thing she'd like to try.

Option: go to an adult store and buy a foreplay game.

What ever you do, do it with her. Do not view this as a "problem" make it about expanding and exploring.

[bruins76]

I'd just come out and ask, if you've been together for 18 years there is no reason to be quaint about it and it wouldn't make sense. Just ask her "honey, would you like to go down on me?" see what she says and does...if she says no, ask why? if she clams' up, say "are you scared to do it? grossed out to do it? afraid you aren't going to do it right? never done it before?" just ask her. If you want it you are going to have to ask, there are no magic words' here and no special way of laying out on the table.

One thing is for sure, be prepared for her not to do it, regardless of your pleas. AND the fact that you've been together for 18 years it would seem to me that she would think she doesn't have to do it, it's not an issue and she may never do it since she never has to you at this point, why change at this point?

If this is that much of an issue for you (like you would leave her based on this issue) perhaps couple's therapy would be great to consider on this. But if you have gone 18 year's w/ out I am guessing that if she did it, it would be a bonus, if she didn't...back to same routine???

HIH
~C

[blackrosesred]

I agree with Bruins. Normally, a couples' experimentation is complete within the first few years of their being together. If, 18 years ago and in those subsequent years you never brought up the subject of her fellating you, it became an "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing. You do it to her, and it feels great to her. But not every woman has the mindset of 'He deserves this great feeling too'. Especially when it is never addressed. Some women might think "He doesn't ask for it, so it means I don't have to do it!" The thought is not sexually appealing to them.


Personally, my current boyfriend (and the first person I'd ever done anything with) never even had to ask me to go down on him -- I did so of my own free will. To say it was entirely out of love would not be entirely true -- I have to admit, I was curious. But it would appear to be factual that there a fewer women who enjoy performing fellatio on their chosen partner(s) than women who are repulsed by the idea, or at least do not find it personally stimulating.


The next time she asks/you choose to go down on her, ask her how much she likes it and how it makes her feel. "Does it make you feel loved when I do this", "Is this something special to you", etc. If she answers in the affirmative, trying asking "I would feel special if you would be willing to try the same thing on me" or, if you think you know how she'll react, "Could you please try doing the same thing to me?"


Be patient, and be courteous, and be braced for rejection. If you've experienced fellatio before, I sympathize for you not being able to enjoy it. But if you've never known it, it will be less of a loss if you continue to go without.

[feistygal]

I'm new here but I kind of feel like if you really want this then she needs to do it for you. Unless there is some kind of trauma that makes her not want to perform oral sex, she should at least try.

What may happen is you will look elsewhere for it. I can't imagine not liking oral sex but I do know some don't. But she hasn't tried so how does she know? There are ways to make it a tastier experience like whipped cream...

I think marriage is give and take and everyone should get what they need/want...IMHO.