He doesn't seem interested in me. Help please

[lostinluv]

I don't know where to begin. I've been with my b/f for over a year and a half. During the course of our relationship, he has never been much affectionate. I mean I could snuggle up to him and give him a kiss and he just sits there, like a lump on a log. He won't even hold my hand in public. He hardly kisses me in public & if he does he looks around first to see who is looking, as if I'm an ugly ducking.....which I'm not. He is so into his work, which I do admire him for wanting success & nothing wrong with that, but we don't do anything together because he either is too tired, or he "just doesn't want to." When the weekend comes he does thing's he wants to do, not anything I want to. Sometimes I ask if he would like to do thing's, and I offer to pay, but it's always no. So we always end up just staying home. Another thing, trying to get him to be intimate is work, and even then I get rejected. I don't know why, he always says he is tired or just isn't in the mood. All he ever wants, it seems, is oral satisfaction. Being rejected intimatly, not showing much affection, and not doing couple thing's makes me wonder why is he even with me? I get lonely most of the time even when he is there, does that make sense? It's not as if I'm ugly and overweight, I'm the opposite and trying to gain more weight. He on the other hand is about 6' 1" and about 300lbs.

I have talked to him about the lack of intimacy on his part, lack of affection, and not doing couple thing's but it blew up in my face. He stated that I wasn't thinking of his feeling's and it was all about me, that I was being selfish. He said that he feels I am not there for him emotionally like he wants me to be. He said I don't understand his work, and his stresses. I am there for him emotionally, it's just that my words of advice/encouragement are not what he is looking for, or it's not good enough. He says that if I was there for him emotionally maybe the relationship would be better. I explained to him that my advice given to him at the times he needs someone to talk to, it's not good enough for him and it's not the answer he is looking for. I told him I feel this way because that is how it seems when I listen to him and then give my response to his problem (s). But that went in one ear and out the other, he swore that I was lying and that it is not like that.....only that I am not one who can give good advice. We are not close at all, but he blames me. He blames me because when he needs someone to talk to I can't comfort him like his Dad or his best friend can with encouraging words. I do try the best I can.

I don't know what to do. I want us to be closer, but everytime I talk to him about it it seems as though I'm to blame or just being selfish. Sometimes I think this relationship, if you want to call it that, isn't worth saving and other times I think differently. He always asks if I still love him, despite him knowing he isn't the perfect b/f, or he asks if I'm cheating. He says he knows how some women when missing something in their relationship will go somewhere else. Sometimes I want to cheat, but I am not like that; I would have to dump him first. How can I get through to him that I would like us to be an ACTUAL couple, do thing's and to improve our relationship? How can I do this without him thinking I'm being so "selfish.?" Thanks.

[ua322]

I don't mean to be rude, but seriously, why are you staying with him?

This is not a relationship and, frankly, I don't see how you can "fix" this problem. I would just politely end this "arrangement" with him and find somebody who is looking to actually have a relationship.

The sooner the better....

[papurdawl]

In alot of ways i can identify with you but not so dramanticaly. I also agree with the apove reply. If you guys are both unhappy it might just bo unfixable. But if you do want to work it out, and thats something your going to have to sit down and camly ask him if he wants to work with. I'm not sure about either of your past or what your relationship was like in the begining but i have a feeling he has maybe been hurt in the past. As far as not wanting to be seen in public maybe he doesnt want someone to see the two of you together? How exclusive is your relationship? Or maybe hes embarassed, but if hes with you i wouldnt understand why. one thing i can give you advise on becuase i'm dealling with the same thing, is as far as him not saying you understand how hard he works or how stressed he is. We women think differently than men in this way to us our guy is our world in alot of ways, to a guy work and being a provider is their life and for women its hard to understand that. You not being supportive in his work life is a major blow to a guy. You both have to understand that your different and will not understand everything about eachother, but what is important is even though you dont understand you need to be there for one another. Like my fiancee and most men stress level will affect their sex life in a major way weither it be from work or the relationship. I have the same problem with talking to my fianee about our problems and he takes it as an attack. What i've come to understand is that when men dont understand something that your feeling the way they react is to get upset. Try to put yourself in his shoes and approach him in the way that you can tell him your feelings w/o him feeling threatend or maybe run it by a guy friend and ask him how it should be worded not to upset your boyfriend. He seems like an emotional guy and because of that you need to tread lightly. into the sex thing more, if hes not doing things to please you, you are well with in your right to dish out the same treatment, maybe this will give him awakup call.
But i have to stress, if its something that either of you feel that you cant work on, just move on.
Ps sorry for the typos =)

[dancingdoc2]

I ask the quesiton, again. You are in this relationship--why?

I can tell you why he is in the relationship--comfort. He has all his immediate needs taken care of, like food and water and a warm place to sit like a bump on a log.

There is probably no fix for this and the reason I can so confidently say so is because he doesn't see anything wrong with the arrangement or situation.

[lostinluv]

it is true he has been hurt in the past, by the last g/f before me. he was really into her. i think she may have cheated on him, or so he thought she was and broke up with her. he is always assuming i'm cheating. we are exclusive couple, we don't see no one else. he is a very emotional guy and when i do talk to him about my needs or his work issues i tread very lightly. no matter how lightly i tread it seems to him i'm non understanding, selfish, and he says maybe i need to be with "a loser who doesn't have much responsibilities and i can go out all i want." he is so closed up, i can't get him to express himself fully in any area. despite him being this way i do love him, we have our good and bad times. i would like this relationship to work, it's just sometimes i feel i'm last on the totem pole.

[papurdawl]

like i said before i can identify with the whole work thing. My fiancee is completely obsessed with working and being a good provider almost to a fault, more than normal. He feels i dont understand him in that way, and i agree, i have no idea why he feels so strongly about it. We get in little arguments about it all the time. One time i told him that i wouldnt care if he worked at burgerking or was the owner of some big buisness. That i dont need a provider in that way, i love him for who he is and what i need is an emotional provider. Well in that way he cant understand me. Infact he felt it was a personal attack and i hurt him really badly. He didnt care weither or not i loved him if he was rich or poor, he took from what i was saying that i dont appricate how hard he works or how important it is to him. and like i said again work stress and the stress we have in the relationship in reguards to that has significantly lowered his sex drive, im always initiating it or pleasing him and never getting any forplay or favors in return. friends tell me all the time that if i'm hurt so badly that i should do whats best for myself and break up. well neither of us want to. But like i said before you have to also ask him how much he wants to work it out with you. You both really have to decide whats right for yourselves, its great to get peoples opinions and advice, i do it all the time. But do whats right for you, whats right for someone else might not be right for you guys, everyone is different. I would suggest not talking about how he feels about work anymore but instead when he gets home from work ask him how his day went and if there were anyproblems let him know that your sorry that his day went badly and let him know your there for a sholder to cry on, What you really want to do since its so sensitive is make sure you show how supportive and positive you can be, but dont go anymore into than that otherwise its bound to start an argument.

[fire1041]

Leave and dont look back. No one should live without intimacy. Being loved and desired is key. Life is too short. RUN GIRL, RUN!!!