Relationship gone wrong - really need help!!!!!

[papurdawl]

heres a little build up of our relationship. We've been together 3 1/2 years recently he lost his job and was forced to relocate, were in the middle of a long distance relationship for the past 3 months now. Right before we left i had to have an abortion because we both felt we werent ready, his feelings were much stronger than mine on that subject. I've been very emotional going through the whole post pregnancy depression and then having to deal with him being gone all week for months, the depression has made me sick and i've been in and out of the hospital lately. He hasnt been there in the way i would hope him to be and it hurts me more. I know hes lost and doesnt know what to do or how. Now heres what happend this weekend.

We were arguing alot on saturday just about stupid random things and then on sunday i told him about how i felt about some of the things that had happend in the past week and he felt as if i was attacking him, so we got into a fight at the mall. He put me down and said things like i'm just like my mom and how messed up i am mentally. I started crying and got upset and called my mom. He got more upset and then left, he left me at the mall and then i gave him time to cool off and called him back. He told me he would be at the macy's entrance in the garage and hung up. So i had to go to him and we argued more. Then he realized i guess how upset i was and said sorry and we made up, then my mom got pissed off that she came to the mall to get me and everything was going ok, so i didnt pick up the phone b/c i knew she would give me a hard time. I asked doug to talk to her because i couldnt right then and he refused. So i talked to her and she put me down and brought up the whole abbortion thing. I got really hurt that doug didnt want to just save me from more problems by just talking to my mom. So we got into another fight and then we went home. We argued for about an hour and then he said that it was obvious that we shouldnt be together and we kept arguing and talking about that then. Then he said that he would always love me and that i wouldnt probably feel that way, but that he couldnt be in the relationship because we argued to much. Then i cried and tried to go up to him and give him a hug and he said " thats ****ed up" and backed away. So then Our argument calmed down a little as far as what was going on before, it just wasnt important anymore. I kept asking him what he wanted if he was saying he wanted to break up with me. He kept saying that we argue to much and that were not ment for eachother and that i've made it very obviouse that he doesnt make me happy and that i should be with someone who will. I kept crying and telling him i wanted to be with him and he kept talking about breaking up with me. he broke the clothes rack in the closet, we talked about the abortion and i said i dont even know if i want children now and he said " But I DO!, someday" .Then i called you, when we got off the phone i calmed down and tried to just either fix the problem or atleast leave on a good note. We kept talking more about it and what he felt the problems were and then he said he just couldnt talk about it anymore. he calmed down a little bit and just asked him 3 more times in different ways if he wanted to break up w/ me. He finally answered saying it was irrelivent if he wanted to break up and asked me if that was what i wanted. I told him no again. and then asked the question one more time and he said that he didnt want to break up. Then i asked if he still loved me and wanted to grow old with me and he said yes. We made up and he appoligized he said he was sorry he hurt me so badly and from that time on every thing went fine the rest of the day. I'm worried though that now that even though we didnt break up that he still might break up with me while hes gone, and just wanted to leave on a good note. I love him so much and dont know what to do.

I have so many questions for him but im affraid to ask i feel i should leave it in the past b/c thats what he would like to happen. Everythings going ok after the fact we've acted as if nothing has happend since then and have gotten along great. But inside i really hurt. I"ve suggested counseling but hes so far away, also he feels that we dont need it, that maybe i myself need it. I know i rely on him so much and i might be pushing him away. so i already know i need to back off a little and give him space, but hes got so much space already being gone and all... im a mess and dont know what to do.

[dancingdoc2]

I read most of what you wrote and skimmed over the rest. I know this is serious business to you, yet your story just typifies what I have been writing about today and in the past about dating and exclusive relationships and maturity and most importantly, the drama, anxiety, and trauma associated with young love.

I would like to offer the following comments in no particular order.

Fighting, like dancing the Tango, takes two. If you do not want to fight, do not respond.

Fighting is serious business, yet silly and immature behavior. If you have matters that need to be settled, then discuss them. Negotiate an agreement the two of you can be happy with. To "negotiate" means to give the other party as much of what they want as possible and to meet at some common point.

A healthy relationship is built on a firm foundation in which two autonomous adults decide to join forces for the betterment of both. As such, neither of you should be needy and clingy. You appear to be both and this is not unusual for a young inexperienced person without a lot of life experience upon which to draw from. I would suggest working on developing your self esteem in order to become less dependent upon him or anyone else.

Keep in mind that the male perspective of the world is different than a woman's. You stated that you wanted him to save you, yet he may not have been able to because of a lack of skill or knowledge. Becoming mad is not helpful.

"Do you love me?" You are no doubt aware of the scenario in which a person takes a rose or other flower and pulls off one petal after another saying in turn: "S/he loves me, s/he loves me not, etc. Asking for confirmations shows weakness. This is another use for "Implied Consent" that I normally recommend as a way for couples to make out. Implied Consent means that we proceed with something under the assumption that consent has been granted. We don't have to ask or to constantly ask for ongoing approval. Consent is implied and thus granted until word comes down to the contrary. So, with this in mind, see if you can understand how this applies to your questions of him?

Now, I know, none of us ever tires of hearing those three little words "I love you", although there are times when asking over and over again for confirmation is fruitless.

As for your last issue of "space", I have answered that in part, above. A successful relationship is built upon the mutual contributions of those involved. I recommend that the two of you live separate yet complimentary lives while apart. You can have separate lives yet common goals as well as individual and shared experiences upon which to build a healthy enduring relationship. Families who have one or more members in the armed services and away be it across the country or the world deal with the reality of shared yet seperate lives all the time.

Your boyfriend needs to decide how much of an investment he is willing to make in this relationship. The two of you need to create a game plan. What are his goals and objectives, short term and long term. You then need to decide whether you can help him achieve them. The same goes for you with him. In addition, you need to talk about the advent of more children, how many, their spacing, and how you will afford them and their future education. Religion, is another topic for discussion. Will you both need to work or can he support you on his income. What preparations are each of you making toward the future?

It sounds like it is much too early to establish a joint savings account, yet both of you should be socking some money away, even if it is only a few dollars a month. If he is spending everything then he is no where near ready to settle down.

Lastly is the matter of communication. This is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Arguing and fighting are pointless and get you nowhere. You need to be able to discuss any matter of importance and then to work on any solutions as described, above. I agree that he should offer you more emotional support, yet at the same time you have to tell him what you need as he may not know what or understand how to give you what you need.

When a guy feels under attack it is not at all unusual to rear back and fire a volley of pot shots in self defense. This happens in part because it is easier than communicating, and, it is also due in some respect to his lack of maturity and life experience.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[bruins76]

First off...you both need counseling, seperately and together. You've been through a lot together and issues need to be addressed and by a professional.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it stinks and I can't speak from experience so I am not much help but I can say that these issues will not resolve themselves, they will get worst if they are not discussed and out on the table. Both of you need to deal w/ what happened, together and seperately.

I hope these issues can be resolved and you can be stronger in the long run.

GL
~C

[Jaysey]

I have so many questions for him but im affraid to ask i feel i should leave it in the past b/c thats what he would like to happen. Everythings going ok after the fact we've acted as if nothing has happend since then and have gotten along great. But inside i really hurt.

This is not okay. It isn't healthy for you. Ignoring a problem only "fixes" it for a little while. Discussion, conversation, about your problems is the only way to reach a resolution and to make this okay. I agree with bruins that (after everything you've been through recently) you may consider seeking individual cousneling if not couple's counseling.
I completely agree with this:

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

Lastly is the matter of communication. This is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Arguing and fighting are pointless and get you nowhere. You need to be able to discuss any matter of importance and then to work on any solutions as described, above. I agree that he should offer you more emotional support, yet at the same time you have to tell him what you need as he may not know what or understand how to give you what you need.

Again, you cannot just sweep your relationship prblems under the rug; you've got to face them head on together, or the relationship is doomed. Communication is, indeed, the key.