Is lack of sex enough reason to end an engagement?

[BabyBatty]

My fiance and I have only been engaged for about two months, but were living togther for a year and a half prior to that. We have our issues, but they're all temporary stresses (small apartment, financial trouble, etc) that we know will subside eventually, and that I definitely wouldn't consider to be reasons to end the engagement. We love each other very much. There is one problem that does make me wonder... He hardly ever wants to have sex with me! This isn't something that came with time either, it's been this way since day one. We have sex about once a week, if Im lucky, and I usually try to have sex with him every night. The rejection used to make me feel horrible, but now I think I've just gotten used to it. He's a bit older than I am, (He's 32, I'm 20) and he's a carpenter, so he has long hard days at work, and that's his excuse, but is that really enough reason to avoid sex? Oh, and it's not that he has any problems becoming arounsed, he goes to sleep with a hard on almost every night! I'm a very sexual person, and also into a lot of BDSM but I don't bother even bringing it up to him becuase everytime I do he says I'm a "sexual deviant"... Is getting married to this man hopeless?

[2hot4him]

If it bothers you now, imagine in a few years if his desire decreases even more? Can you live like that if your sex drive stays the same??? I would seriously doubt that this relationship could survive. I am in the same situation and it has caused stress and strain that has escalated. Especially since you are into "deviant" things. I get off on blow jobs but from day one my husband has hated them-he calls them deviant behavior and evil. I have been married to this man for 18 years without giving blow jobs. Sex 4-5 times a year. I could have it daily.

Think long and hard if this is what you can live with.

[WallyLlama]

The lack of sex is NOT a reason to end the the engagement.

The fact that you can't (or won't) talk to him about it might be.

The fact that you like BDSM and he thinks you're a sexual deviant is another red flag... as is your comment about "temporary stresses." Instead of waiting for them to subside you ought to be working on them together. The question you are facing - or should be - is have you and he figured out how to work with your differences, problems, issues and be a couple?

[BabyBatty]

2hot4him, Im not sure if I can tolerate it for the rest of my life. Wow, maybe I just answered my own question?

Wally, you're right about not being able to talk to him being a problem. Ive tried many many times, and he just gets angry or ignores me.

How Ironic, All You Need Is Love just came on... I guess that's the real question, is love enough? Maybe I'm just confused about the whole thing and using whatever I can to get out of it... We just set a date two days ago, and now I'm kinda like whoooahhhhh what am I doing? Maybe I'm just too young for all of this.

[ua322]

As stated earlier, this will not get better. It likely will get WORSE after marriage.

If you honestly don't think you can live with very little sex for the rest of your life then yes, it is enough reason to call it off.

[bruins76]

Okay I totally can sympathize w/ you. I am 30, my DH is 32 (almost 33), we have never had a pationate sex life since day one. We can go like 17 days w/ out sex, where as I'd like to have it at least 3 times per week if not everyday if it were up to me. He is an electrician, works LONG hours, we both have kids from other relationships prior and a newborn together... thing's just make it difficult to be on the same page. I am a person who like's sex at night, he like's it in the mornings (which I hate cause you always have bad breath and feel gross from sleeping all night, at least I do).

As far as ending an engagement cause of this, let me ask you this question...

If you marry him and he get's into an accident or get's a medical condition that no longer allows him to "use" his sexual functions, would you divorce him b/c of it? Are you w/ him strictly for sex? If so then yes you should end it now. If you TRULY love him, I mean really...and you are planning on marrying him (for better or worst, sickness & health, richer/poorer etc.) that means you take the good w/ the bad and "if" he had a condition that made him so that he could never have intercourse or be intimate like that w/ you again you are suppose to stay w/ him based on your vows (although some would leave cause they are shallow).

I asked myself that same ? when I got fed up a while back...if my DH could never have sex w/ me again, would I leave him? nope...cause I love him for him, not the sex. Although sex is nice and make's things good, it's not the foundation of someone's love for one another. If you feel that you wouldn't stay w/ this man if that happened then I think you need to "re-think" where you are headed w/ him so he doesn't get the raw end of the deal.

I don't know 1 couple who has the same sexual appetite...ever, someone is always more 'horny' than the other and "if" they someone tell's you that they have the same sexual desire, chances are they are in the relationship for purely sex and have no chemistry or love for each other.

I've been on the same page sexually w/ other men in my life, but I've never loved them as well...it's almost like impossible to find everything that matches w/ a partner, it's your communication, your friendship, your trust, honor and love...the rest is bonus in my book.

I always end up using toys and pleasuring myself if my DH isn't "in the mood" this way I get what I need and he doesn't have to feel pressured all the time.

Have you talked to him about this? I mean "REALLY" talk to him? I have talked to my DH and I let him know what I needed etc. Also, you may want to consider couple's counseling to discuss these needs or what you'd like...perhaps he's not getting something he wants from you, KWIM? Anyways, open the lines of communication between the 2 of you and you should be able to work through this if you 2 are truly meant to be together.

I hope this helped, good luck in your decision/future
~C

[Jaysey]

I'm with Wally...I think maybe the lack of sex is not reason enough to end an engagement...but the inability to communicate and reach an agreement, a compromise on the issue may well be.
Also, I'd be a little concerned with the derogatory name-calling ("sexual deviant").

[papurdawl]

sometimes i wish me and my fiancee had sex once a week. stress is a big thing to a guy, but also not talking about it could be the other reason. i get the same excusses about sex after his long work days, its not good enough reason to end an engagement, but sex does effect a relationship in ways that most people dont realize. Talk it over with him tell him how you feel.

[feistygal]

I usually tell my friends that whatever you don't like before you get married only gets worse after you get married.

My husband is also not as passionate a person as I am. But we are working on it now. We caught it before it was too late. The key is communication and he seems to have cut you off in this area.

You need to tell him how important intimacy is to you in a relationship. Intimacy is not just about sex. It can be hugging, hand holding, massages, etc.

I'd have a serious talk with him and tell him you are concerned about going forward in the relationship until the communication issue is resolved....

[HotWife]

I'm a very lonely wife and I would not have chosen that for my life had I really known this was what things would be.

I love my husband but I find it very hard to be faithful, and very hard to be happy. Most of the time it feels like my husband wants a tv-watching and managing the house and bills partner than anything else.

Yes, I try to talk to him about it and no, this thread is not about me.