At a loss emotionally, plz. help.

[plainjane]

I've posted this on a couple of other sites, trying to get as much advice as I can. I've been dating and living with my boyfriend for one and a half years. He really isn't affectionate or interested in intimacy. We also sleep in seperate bedrooms, not by my choice. We have talked about these issues and he never has an answer or he just dodges the discussion. We are intimate about 3 times a month. it seems as though he wants to be orally satisfied more so than the actual sex itself. His affection's are hardley there as well. I took this all as though maybe he just isn't affectionate as me, and doesn't have a high sex drive or is just too busy for intimacy. The seperate bedroom thing i can't think of a reason but maybe privacy? I've asked him numerous times why he doesn't want to share a bedroom like other couples, but he dances around that discussion as well. It seems as though nothing I do for him is good enough, either the house isn't clean enough, his laundry isn't done quick enough, or I don't "think of thing's to do for him" enough. He says I need to focus on being a better partner, g/f and team player. I clean the house, do his laundry, cook his meals, help with his kids, but it isn't good enough in his eyes. He says thing's need to be perfect, and is always criticizing me and how I do thing's. He says he does that because he cares. I have talked to him about how he makes me feel, the lack of intimacy, affection, but he got pissed off and said that I was being selfish. He said I was only caring about my needs. He claims I'm not there for him when he needs me emotionally, he constantly yells if I don't do something right or forget something. He knows due to my epilepsy, in the past I've had many seizures. I have told him that one of my seizures was so bad that it cut off circulation to my brain and damaged some of the cells. I disclosed to him because of that that my memory, ability to get the communicate effectively, and focus has been really distorted. I told him I do try to improve that everyday because it is a hindrance to me. He said he understood and no problem, but keeps yelling when I forget something or I can't communicate as well as he can. I'm not calling myself stupid or anything, but it's something I have no control over. He says when he needs someone to talk to I don't have anything to say, I told him I do but what I do advise or say isn't good enough to him. Most of the time when I ask if he would like to discuss his problem (s) he says "no, it's a waste of breath and time." He has no idea how frustrating it is for me when I try and communicate what I want to say to him in his time of need, but since the seizure has affected that area it is hard to, and it just doesn't come out right. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything together. I have expressed that and spending quality time together and how it makes me feel that we don't do those thing's, but he said I was selfish. He said last night when he was arguing about how he needs a good support system, that he doesn't have the time or energy to spend with me due to him focusing on other things like work, money, etc. I'm so emotionally spent. I do all I can to help him, and do thing's for him, and be there for him in everyway; but it seems it is not good enough. Despite all this, and please don't judge, but I do love him. He wasn't like this in the beginning, but is now. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Luvs2plzU]

Looks like he really really really really misses his MOTHER!!!...Read what you have posted...all the things you do for him...he's a BIG boy...he could all those things himself...you are apparently doing all the chores and not fast enough,good enough and perfect enough....it cries MOMMA all over it...proven by the fact that he's really not that in to you thus not sharing the bedroom...I don't think you need us to help tell you what is just plain goofy!!...just by your post...I think you'd be able to find a real decent man out there!!..good luck

[Gilmerro]

agreed, sounds like he wants a mother not a girlfriend

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by plainjane

..Despite all this, and please don't judge, but I do love him. He wasn't like this in the beginning, but is now. I don't know what to do anymore.

Don't judge? Why place that restriction on this? Perhaps because you know that there is something wrong with your love for him?

You are in an abusive relationship.

What to do? Get out of it or get used to being a victim. It is not going to get better; it is going to get worse. He's getting pissed off and yelling... it won't be long now before it moves to the next level.

He wasn't like this in the beginning because you were being lured.

You can ask the question a thousand different places. The answer isn't going to change, you need to change.

You are never going to be good enough for him. You've been trying to make that change (be better). You probably harbor some unjustified belief that he's going to change, but you own behavior is proving that you actually know better. If you keep trying to be better, he'll just keep "beating" you up for not being good enough.

Break the cycle.

[ua322]

Plainjane, you're better than this. You need to think more highly of yourself. You deserve better.

I agree with the others that he wants you to be either his mother or, more likely, his maid.

After reading your post, I'm struggling to see what tangible benefit you actually get out of this relationship. Just leave and move on with your life. The longer you wait, the more valuable years you will waste.

It's time for a fresh beginning.

[plainjane]

i am planning on moving out and going on with my life. i can no longer take this anymore. thank you all for listening.

[Jill B]

[QUOTE=plainjane]i am planning on moving out and going on with my life. i can no longer take this anymore. thank you all for listening.[/QUOT
Take care of yourself and be in touch with those who are supportive of you. Life is too short and full of great opportunities.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by plainjane

i am planning on moving out and going on with my life. i can no longer take this anymore. thank you all for listening.

This will no doubt be very difficult in the short term. Just hang in there and rest assured that this is the right move for you to make. I wish you the best of luck.

[WallyLlama]

And know that there are very likely local organizations you can turn to for support and assistance if necessary... be careful, protect yourself.