Caught younger Brother cheating... advice?

[The Robfather]

Hey everyone,

I'm a long time reader of this board. The posts here have helped me a great deal in my own personal life. However, last night I encountered a situation that I could not really find an answer to.

Here goes: My little brother is 18 and about to enter college. His girlfriend is a year younger than him and will be still be in high school two hours away from our college. They've been together almost 3 years. He told me that they were going to try to stay together a few weeks ago.

I live out at school and he will be attending the same college as I. I was throwing a party so decided to invite him to his first party out at school. I told him to invite a friend or two. He was planning on bringing a mutual friend (I was his cross country captain) so I was pretty pumped. He ended up bring an attractive female coworker. I figured they were friends and all was kosher. As the night progressed they became flirtatious. Still, I figured it was no big deal. I lost track of him later on and I guess they crashed in my room on an air mattress earlier. My buddy told me he walked in on them hooking up. He did not see them having sex so I don't know if they did or not. My friend told me they were not wearing clothes however.

When I ended up going to bed they were just sharing the air mattress I still had no clue anything was up. I've crashed next to a female friend plenty of times with out any intentions of sex and the what not.

The next morning they had to drive home before I was up. He called after I had found out. I let him know I was more or less knew what had happened. I told him that he owes his girlfriend much more than type of behavior and that I'd talk with him next weekend when I go home to visit. I believe (or hope) that this was his first time doing this and I hope that he's realized he's made a mistake. He sounded very guilty on the phone.

Sorry, for the long post.

I'm planning on telling him I'm very dissapointed in him. I'm going to advise to get tested before he is with his girlfriend again if he plans on staying with her (and that he should regardless). I believe that it is selfish to tell a loved one that you have cheated on them because all it does is ease your own guilt and cause them pain. Ultimately, I believe he needs to break up with her. If he can't remain faithful for a weekend visit, I don't believe he will be able to at once the semester starts.

He's a good kid and I think he is just young and made a stupid mistake influenced by alcohol...not that that's an excuse.

Is there any other/different ways I should address the issue. If it helps, I kind of share the father type role with my stepdad as my father died several years as a result of alcoholism. I'm very protective of my little brothers and very proud of them. That's the reason this is eating me up so much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[dancingdoc2]

Well, as the saying goes: "so what else is new?" Your brother has done what many young boys do (and will do in the future) who are hormonally driven and challanged. Even if his actions were innocent, his behavior was wrong and immature. He needs to hold himself to a higher standard, yet may not yet be able to. That you did and he has not is a matter of morals and ethics and a lack of judgement that may have its foundation in his value system. Even though you are brothers and have had the same parental guidence, outside factors that each one of us become exposed to often change our perception on things.

I do not believe that the relationship of long standing need end, at least not unless or until he repeats this behavior with someone else. I agree also that the girlfriend not be told and for the reasons stated. When deciding whether or not to tell someone something or not, we need to ask the question "of what benefit will it be for the other person to know." In this case and for this one transgression, there is no benefit.

[WallyLlama]

The hardest part of being a parent/surrogate parent is knowing when to stop being a parent.

I see less importance in deciding what you should do about this versus deciding whether or not you should do anything.

Tell him you are disappointed in him if you'd like, but remember that all you are doing is imposing your standards on him and effectively asking him to behave the way you think he should. You've posted an entire paragraph about your beliefs and what he should do. Stop living his life for him and let him grow up.

If he feels guilty, let him deal with it... offer him help, but no direction. If he doesn't feel guilty (or doesn't choose to express his guilt the way you think he should) let him learn the hard way. Do not try to manage his relationships. Perhaps this incident proves that you've not demanded enough independence.

The reason you cannot find an answer to this situation is that it is not, ultimately, your problem. He is not the only one who must learn. You must learn how to stand beside and a little behind him, but not in his shoes.

[The Robfather]

Thanks Wally,

I read what you posted and really took it to heart. A nice work out helped clear my head and allowed me to really reflect on the situation.

I realized that I'm only 3 years older than him and that I still have a lot of learning to do myself. I won't be able to fix his problems. More, importantly I shouldn't even attempt to fix them. He's his own person, and needs to deal with his own problems with out big brother coming to the rescue.

I'm sure he'll learn from this and come out a better person. I've decided to take the approach I would have if a friend had been in his place instead. I'm going to make myself available but let him come to me for advice if he needs that.

Thanks for the advice and the speedy responses. I didn't think that I'd have this pretty much figured out already. I welcome any other comments... I've really only heard two points of view. Although, I am pretty sure I'm just going to take the backseat on this one.

[Newtolove]

well wallylama is right offer him guidence but don't impose if he wishes to err he will anyway, just let him know he can come to you for advice

by the way i think this belonged in another category but I'm dumbfound if I know which

[Browser]

Sounds like you all have it down pat.

Props.

[bruins76]

First thing's first, this was not your mistake, it was his, and it's no reflection on you for what he did.

Now, telling him how you are disapointed in him etc., I think it's a good idea, letting him know that if he wants to fool around "freely" then he need's to break it off w/ his girlfriend who is still pretty young. Honestly if they last I'd be surprised. I was once that girlfriend and my boyfriend who was in college "said" he'd be "faithful"...let's just say he was not and I was devasted. As a result I spent 3+ years not even going near a man, let alone talking to one cause I was crushed and I was one of the popular cheerleader types who could get any guy I wanted in high school but I loved my boyfriend (puppy love) and I had it in my heart that we were going to be together forever, he didn't and that crushed me. Looking back at the situation I wish he would have broken it off before he left for college so he could do his thing and leave me be...I would have been less hurt and I wouldn't have been exposed to an STD...now I never got an STD, but he put me at risk by doing what he did. Again, had I known any of this I would have said "good bye" a long time before he left for school.

I'd advise your brother to leave his girlfriend and try to find himself...if that mean's hooking up w/ a different girl every night, then that's his choice but don't drag that poor girl through that, it's not right. And as far as getting tested for an STD before he's intimate w/ her again, that's a good idea "except" it can take up to 6 months for all STD's to surface and that doesn't include genital herpes, he could have contracted the HPV virus from this girl (doesn't take penetration, just skin on skin contact) from that girl, she could have this HPV, have given it to your brother and he could be a carrier and never see a breakout (warts) but give HPV to his girlfriend and it lie dormant (asleep) in her system for 10+ years before it get's detected. I know this first hand and let me tell you, it's horrible, it can cause cancer/death.

Long story short, getting 'tested' is great but it wont rule out all STD's, yeah some of the main one's will be but not all of them which is the scariest part.

I learned that my DH has gential herpes cause he developed an outbreak when I was pregnant w/ our first son this past year. I immediately thought they were skin tags...then he was told by his doc that they weren't...gave him meds and my OBGYN said NO sex cause I could give this to the baby etc. for the rest of the pregnancy. Me and DH went back and forth playing the 'blame' game...on who gave it to whom. I found out from my doc that I could have been the carrier and never ever have an outbreak but DH just contracted it by me and then got the outbreak. I am 99.9% positive that it wasn't from me from my history and my ex's history... My DH is a Marine and led a life that most men would brag about but a doc would frown upon w/ contracting things like this. Anyways...now he has to take meds and check himself regularly, he's only had a total of 2 outbreaks in 2 years, which is good and I've never had any, I've never tested positive for HPV/Herpes either but that doesn't mean that I don't have it (since it's contracted by skin/skin contact and can lie dormant in my system for 10+ yrs before I'd even see an outbreak).

I am telling you all this info to let you know how serious it is being promiscuous w/ different gals. Condoms aren't even safe anymore since there is still skin/skin contact w/ a condom. This is scary. Let your brother know that he's not only doing something bad to his girlfriend by lying to her but he could be putting her life and his life at risk. Let him know how serious this is.
People think "oh, I'll use a condom and I'll be fine"...not true anymore and I was shocked to learn all that I learned this past year about gential herpes and HPV which can cause cervical cancer which can result in death and serious illness. Let your brother know what he could be doing to himself and his girlfriend. Is it worth it? Nope! And drinking...yeah it can make you miss someone and feel lonely since it's a depressant but it's certainly NOT an excuse for doing that. If he uses it as an excuse then he shouldn't drink at all since he has a problem drinking if that's the case.

If he wants to risk his life, let him...it's his life, his choice, there is nothing you can do about it. Just give him the knowledge and hope that he make's the right decision. Usually I'd tell you to stay out of someone elses' relationship but if you see him continuing on this path of risk taking, I'd suggest letting him know that you plan on letting his girlfriend know if he doesn't tell her himself and get some help or set her free. Regardless, it's her life/body too and she has every right to know if someone is risking it since she is currently under the impression that she can trust him in that department.

Hope this helped,
GL
~C

[The Robfather]

Sorry, I've been MIA from this thread... I've been busy at work and had a long weekend at home.

So he took the right steps and broke up with his now ex-girlfriend. I didn't ask particulars. He keeps to himself a lot and doesn't talk about whats bugging him. I used to worry but realized that's just who he is. I think he'll be alright.

The info on STD's is spot on. I was an RA at school for two years so I am well versed in all that stuff. It's good to put that information out there though.

Thanks for all the help everyone.

[WallyLlama]

Thanks for coming back with the update...

You'll learn to enjoy letting him be him.