Meant to be or inevitable ending?

[darkboarder]

I just broke off a 2 year relationship with a girl i absolutely love and that loves me. The only reason i had for ending things was that i didnt want a relationship anymore. I can rationalize many reasons for ending it but I have difficulty in finding my own personal reasons. For some background she is currently 18 and i am 22. Our relationship has had its share of up and downs, usually due to my independant nature and her immaturity, but we have been completely faithful to each other and almost never fight. Sure we have disagreements but we are able to talk everything out calmly and logically. I have my own issues with "freedom", feeling restricted or forced to do something i dont want usually sends me running the opposite direction. Because of this feeling I never placed any restrictions on our relationship except for dont cheat and dont lie. I have followed those and so has she. Our whole relationship has been sort of long distance, and i attribute this to much of our success as a couple. I attend a university 3 hours away from her. We only see each other on weekends or every other weekend depending on my school schedule but we talked every night for 2 years. In the last 2 years I have seen her grow remarkably fast. Compare her to her friends and the difference in maturity and way of thinking is very noticeable. I have helped her through many life experiences, experiences that i have been through before. An issue i had with our relationship is that at time i felt more like a parent or older sibling than as a boyfriend. Age has always been an issue with me as I dont want to prevent her from experiencing life. Most of the people we know haven't agreed with our relationship and this causes some stress. for the last few months I've had the nagging feeling that i need to break up with her. I dont know why i felt that or how it started but it finally came to the point where i ended things. I love her very much and i myself feel demolished because of this. I feel like i've been dumped even though i chose to end it. I've rationalized many reasons for ending it such as, she loves me too much, im holding her back, im not ready for marriage and thats where we are headed. Marriage at this time of my life is something i dont even want to think about, yet my friends and many people i know are talking about marriage or getting married. I can see myself with this girl for a long time but i feel if i continued the relationship that she would miss out on so much. I want her to experience a life outside of her small town and i dont know if thats possible in a relationship. I have been there done that when it comes to her upcoming experiences and personally im kind of tired always knowing whats going to happen etc. I want to have experiences with her and learn together rather than watching her and knowing the outcome. I honestly hope that we meet down the road and get together again. Finally to my question/s is it wrong of me to think for her this way? and is not wanting a relationship actually a reason? if not what is? please help

[Jaysey]

I have a few thoughts for you:
1) Sometimes love is not enough
2) Breakups are always painful when you're with someone you care about--even when you are the initiator of said breakup
3)You keep saying you're the initiator and that nothing was really wrong with your relationship--then you "pass the buck" to her by saying things like, "I don't want her to miss out on life because of me." That's a pretty passive agressive stance. Either you want to be with her or you don't--it's your choice, your decision, and your choice can't be based on what you think is best for her as a person--let her be the judge of what she needs and wants out of her life. Please don't tell her that you're doing it for her--there's nothing worse than that in a breakup.
4) Generally, people don't break up for no reason. Even if you can't put your finger on it, there's something wrong with this relationship--some reason you no longer want it to be. Perhaps it is just because you no longer want a relationship--that happens...and that's perfectly okay--it's a legitimate reason for a breakup.
5) Just because you breakup with someone doesn't mean your feelings for that person will change. You may still love her--that's okay, too. You can love someone and not want to be with him/her at the same time.

[WallyLlama]

Pretty much what Jaysey said...

the bottom line seems to be that you don't want to be with her. You can speculate the reasons but all you're really doing is eulogizing at a relationship funeral.

One of the interesting aspects about the entire scene is that you are continuing to do her thinking for her (by ending the relationship under the pretense of wanting what's best for her - there's no mention of what she wants). If you'd like another thing to speculate about it's possible that you don't like the fact that she's maturing and becoming more independent in her thinking, etc.

I would also suggest that a four year difference in age is nothing and it doesn't make you profoundly wiser than her.

There's not much to be gained by rationalizing or justifying your decision. It won't help you move on. Just move on.

[darkboarder]

after reading your replies i've done some thinking. I realized that i've always viewed her as much younger and less experienced than me and never really gave my image of her a chance to grow as she has. Is this something i can work out with her. Work together on my viewing her as an equal with respect rather than a younger girl who doesn't know as much. I think much of my issues and dislikes about the relationship stem from this and i would like to discern whether i ended the relationship because of my way of thinking or because of other reasons. Although part of me is getting used to being single now and i am not so sure i'd want to go back i would at least like to sort this out and possibly talk things over with her before i make any decisions. any more input would be greatly appreciated.

[WallyLlama]

Again, listen to yourself. You are still making this all about you. You aren't sure you want to go back, you do so you can sort things out before you make any decisions? You already made a decision.

You're not even talking about the relationship, you are talking about wanting to work on how you view her and changing your image of her... as if you want to conduct an experiment of some sort. You're not saying you love her and want to grow together. It's amazing how little you say about her; what she felt and thought, etc.

You dumped her; there is nothing to sort out. You either want a relationship with her or not. Since it didn't take you too long to get used to being single it would appear that a relationship with her isn't something very important. You're not saying you miss her. You're not saying you love her. Leave the poor girl alone.

If you can't do that at least be honest with her. Tell her you don't want a relationship with her but would appreciate it if she'd help you understand why you broke up with her.

Does that sound the least bit nuts?

If you want to understand yourself take up meditation, read a lot, hire a therapist. Do it at your expense, not hers.

[Browser]

That made me happy, Wally.

Cheers.

[bruins76]

Let me be honest...

You're too young, not ready and it's time to move on. Let her go and let her find what she wants cuz she's not gonna get it from u.

~C