how to tell my partner sex is bad

[Beans518]

I want to tell my partner that sex with him is bad. sex with him only lasts a good 10 minutes. 20 on a good day. We've been togather for 5yrs. and it's really frustrating. I'm really tired of faking orgasams and it's leading to me not wanting to have sex with him. Once he overheard me telling my bestfriend this and tried to make sex better, but since then nothing has changed much. He's really closed minded about sex, where as me I'll try anything. I think sex with a person in a long term relationship should be open and honest, but I know he doedn't see it like this. How do I tell him that sex with him is just not good? should I feel bad in telling him this? Am I selfish? Should I keep having sex with him even though I'm not satisfied, that when it's all over I feel like a whore that doesn't get paid, Because he gets on top does his bussiness for 10 minutes and goes to sleep.

[nursefluffykins]

wow im not sure what to say here but it does sound like there are issues for sure...

he should be trying to please you, but conversely if need be u can tell him what u need... sorry to hear of your troubles... my bf is not the greatest in bed either as ive stated in some other posts... is your bf satisfying in other realms of your life?

[Beans518]

Yes. He is a good provider. I don't have to work. He loves our children. Sex with him is just bad. It leaves me feeling used and alone instead of feeling closer to him it's like I have a dirty lil' secret that I keep from him.

[demonbuttercup]

Well guys aren't always the smartest when it comes to sex... and they dont always see the obvious. If he's doing something wrong.. you have to tell him. Its not good that you've been faking b/c all these years he's thought he was just doing awesome. I mean if they dont know they are doing anything wrong... how can you expect them to change?

[WallyLlama]

Let me get this straight... sex in a long term relationship is supposed to be open and honest, so you've been faking orgasms? Uh-huh, yep.

Bluntly, you might be feeling like a whore because you are acting like one. You're peforming a service instead of making love, communicating using physical contact (aka "sex") and developing a complete relationship.

A choice. Confess. Tell him that you are guilty of making the sexual relationship between you "not good" by being dishonest and that you'd like to change all that. Get interested in him and the relationship. You might discover that you both want the same things.

or

keep faking and use a more subtle approach... tell him what he's doing good and build on that it... "I like that... can we add... can we try..."

I don't think telling him the sex is bad will improve anything.

If it's not obvious, the solution to the problem doesn't lie in figuring out who to blame. He's not a lousy lover, you both are. You got where you are together, the only question is can you go somewhere else together? He may provide financially, but some things have to be shared.

[Fluffer]

Talk to oldkinky! He could give you some tips.

Great reply, WallyLlama.

[2hot4him]

You need to talk to him and tell him openly and honestly what is going on (or not going on) with the sex...and when you are having sex you need to let him know what you want in bed as well as ask him what he wants.

It's a 2-way street with communication between the two of you. If you can't communicate your desires then you need sex/couples counseling.

[Brandye]

Get him a copy of She Comes First by Kerner. You figure out how to give it to him but it makes exellent points about why the female orgasm should occur first thereby giving both partners greater satisfaction. I say as a woman!!

Wally, we all fake it once in a while - sometimes for good reasons and sometimes not. There have been other posts of women getting caught in the faking box and it must be tough to get out. I have faked it; I have never gotten caught in that box of faling for too long.

[WallyLlama]

No faking!!! LOL

I suppose reality suggests an occasional "fake"... or something less than honest is, um, necessary... maybe even healthy? I was looking at the pattern. It sounds great to say "open and honest" (those are watchwords for my relationship, btw) but it can be difficult to maintain if one starts engaging in selective honesty.

There's an interesting question around whether or not the quality of sex reflects the quality of the relationship... hard to discuss because the two are (or should be) so thoroughly intertwined. (The assumption is, of course, that we are not talking about "casual" sex.)

In this case, I think there's an obvious connection... if he's a "lousy lover" his partner must assume some responsibilty - if not for his technique, at least for the fact that he's being misled by the faking. The best relationship and the best sex is very mutual... that doesn't mean (necessarily) cumming together, but it does mean an immense amount of sharing.

You share information. You share pleasure. You share frustration. You share...

[bruins76]

First off, do NOT fake anything anymore. You should have never started and the fact that you've been doing it this long has not only punished you but it has led your man to believe that he's been doing everything "right" all this time when in fact it's been the opposite. This means that you are not communicating and being honest w/ what you want. Men cannot read your mind and if you have been leading him to believe that all is well...then this is really your fault. I'd suggest having a hear to to heart, perhaps asking for "what you want"...instead of playing games by faking things. Couple's counseling would also help. If you aren't able to be honest w/ him about something so initmate, then that says that there are other areas in your relationship that you can't be honest in, am I right? I'd recommend seeking counseling and moving forward from there. If you keep up this game you'll be only punishing yourself and lying to your man, no one is winning here.