Caught Cheating- Please help me

[Cara82]

My "ex-boyfriend" and I had been together for over five years until today when he obtained pictures of me with another guy from a private investigator. I have been having an ongoing affair with this other guy, Zach, for about nine months now. I think that i kept carrying on the affair because he gave me a part of my relationship that i didn't have- however, by no means did I love him or care about him the way that I did my boyfriend "Andrew". Andrew had his suspicions because I had been making excuses oftern to go out with friends and had been taking "mysterious" weekend trips. Today he was clearly upset and wanted me to tell him about this affair- how long it had been going on, etc. etc. At the end of the conversation he basically packed my things in front of me ( while I was sobbing crying and appologizing profusely); and told me that he was disgusted with me and this crushed him. I feel completely empty, I have no idea what to do. I know that i have brought this on myself and of course I completely take the blame, I have appologized over and over and begged God to just let him forgive me a little bit. I have no doubt that if "andrew" were to give me just the slightest chance I would never ever ever let him down again. I know that these are just words and I deserve to have these consequences, but I don't even feel like I can function- I miss him so much already and feel devistated for what I did, not just because I feel guilty but because I am genuinely remorseful. I would do absolutely anything to have him give me another chance. Please someone, give me some advice.

[Luvs2plzU]

You can't even begin to imagine on how "Andrew" feels...if he went to all the trouble of getting a PI involved, I can garantee that he was already physically ill,vomitting and short of delirious....he's been like this probably for as long as he has suspected...it would be iin your best interest to move on...cuz TRUST once lost is very very very very very difficult to earn back...NOTHING will ever be the same....I don't know how to explain it...but I've lived it......move on and don't make the same mistake twice..."three's a crowd"...

[nursefluffykins]

the way you describe the situation it sounds like a bad bad mistake and unhealthy to try to pursue that relationship further

if u loved him THAT much maybe this woulnd't have happened?
Of course the answer isnt that simple, but im just saying it could be worth some thought ..when i had been dating my current bf only a few months i considered cheating on him (long story short :didnt end up doing it), but now almost 2 years into it i really love him so dearly that i couldnt imagine myself with anyone else for any reason... of course nothing is guaranteed but i really don see that changing... it seems u didnt feel that way about your current bf....
and for real the trust issue is BIG.. i have a friend who tried to get back with a gf after she cheated on him and he went on and on and worried every time she went somewhere, even to work, it got really unhealthy for the 2 of them and now they're both better off having moved on... doesnt mean u cant try to work it out, or at least be civil, but there may be some cooling off time needed?

best of luck

[Cara82]

I understand that thought, but also truly feel that perhaps I didn't know what I had until it was gone.. I miss him and love him so much.. I am miserable- which I guess is what I deserve. I know that he needs space and needs time to come to terms with what I've done, I'm just scared..

[bruins76]

Yes you brought this on yourself. At to say that this other guy meant nothing is a joke cause you don't fool around w/ someone for 9 months and it mean nothing, there is/was something.

You deserve not only "Andrew" leaving you but you deserve the consequences that came w/ them a nd you should have thought about all of this BEFORE you cheated on him. You weren't missing him that much when you were gone screwing around now did you? HE was the one missing you, HE was the one sobbing and sad, HE is the one who has been burned here, not you!
If he were to take you back the trust that you once had is out the window, he would never trust you again (don't blame him)...then there is the thought of STD's...regardless if condoms were used on your part w/ this stranger that you cheated w/ you can get HPV/warts by just having skin/skin contact and it doesn't have to be a penis in your vagina...just you touching him on his penis is enough to contract HPV and that means you could be a carrier and have given it to Andrew whom may not know it for 10+ years cause it can lay dormant in your system and not rise to spread WARTS until later on so he may have something irreversible from you now. Do you realize that? Do you realize what you may have done not only to yourself but to him? I have NO sympathy for ANYONE who cheats, it's disgusting and the thought make's me sick.

If you are genuine in your remorse, that's good to hear...maybe next time you wont cheat/stray cause you've learned your lesson. But don't expect your guy to get take you back or anyone to tell you that you can win back his love, impossible

[WallyLlama]

I don't feel a huge need to add my lecture--there have been some great ones posted... but I will make this observation.

You cheated on Andrew because your relationship with him wasn't complete, wasn't good enough (according to your own post). So you don't completely take the blame... you justify what you did, even adding the fact that you didn't love or care about the guy you cheated with - as if that somehow makes it okay.

Why then, are you so desparate to have a relationship back that wasn't good enough for you in the first place? Doesn't make much sense, really.

Andrew did you a favor... now you're free to go find somebody that you can have a complete relationship with and one that will be good enough for you.

As has been implied in at least one reply, ot sounds like you don't even have a clue how Andrew really feels... and in a sense, you don't care it's still all about you and how empty you feel, etc. Crying and apologizing profusely is not very redeeming. It's even interesting that the subject is "caught cheating" as if somehow the problem is you got caught, not that you cheated.

Here's a question for you: Is it over with Zach?

[bruins76]

Originally Posted by Cara82

I understand that thought, but also truly feel that perhaps I didn't know what I had until it was gone.. I miss him and love him so much.. I am miserable- which I guess is what I deserve. I know that he needs space and needs time to come to terms with what I've done, I'm just scared..

You know what? YOu don't miss him...you miss the "security" that you had w/ him, you don't love him cause true love, you don't stray/cheat, period.

He need's more than space from you, more like a move to another zip code or state. He has ALREADY come to term's w/ what you've done, he knew what you were doing for a while but got his black & white copy proof w/ a private investigator, he went to great lengths to make sure he had evidence before he closed the door on you. He has already grieved your relationship. What more do you want him to come to terms' with? That he was a sucker for way too long? If this guy takes you back (which I highly doubt and if he does he has some self-esteem issues himself) I'd be SHOCKED cause no man is gonna get back w/ someone who went out of their way to cheat for 9 months! I mean, this would be different if you had a 1 night stand at a bar w/ a guy and you were drunk (not that it make's it excusable) but at least it wouldn't be a longterm thing. You say this Zach guy meant nothing, then why did you do it? Why did you do it for so long? THat's a lie, sorry, but flat out a lie and if Andrew knows how long that you cheated I am almost positive that you aren't going to see him coming back to you unless he wants his stuff back etc.

Leave Andrew alone to find someone who will treat him w/ dignity and respect & love him for who he is. Move forward, with or with out Zach.

You say "caught cheating" in your post... that's how you feel, that's why you are upset...I can GUARANTEE that if you hadn't been "CAUGHT" you would STILL be cheating and wouldn't be sad, upset, crying etc. You were caught and now you feel like crap cause you were caught. Are you afraid that you are going to be alone now cause your LT man threw you out and this Zach doesn't care/love you? Seem's like it to me.

Either way, you need to move on. If you are waiting for him to come to terms w/ stuff...honey...he isn't coming back to you. He isn't married to you, he doesn't have kids' w/ you, there is no reason for him to even "TRY" to work it out. If you were married to Andrew and had kids....maybe I'd say there is a chance and counseling might help, even that would be hard. But c'mon...you were leading a double life, sleeping at Zach's house for weekends and leaving Andrew home alone...upset, lonely, sad etc. He's had PLENTY of time to come to terms w/ how he feel's about you and what you have done, the P.I. who gave him the photos just confirmed his suspicions all along.

You need to stop looking for sympathy or pitty cause you wont get it, at this point take what is left of your dignity and move on. Work on yourself, figure out why you needed to stray, what you want in your life, how YOU would want to be treated. Cause right now you don't know what you want other than the scared feeling's that you have of Andrew being gone. He was something familiar, safe...but if you really had a relationship & loved him you wouldn't have done what you did. Nine month's is a long time to stray for a guy that mean's nothing.

[Brandye]

Cara,

You are not the first and will not be the last. He, too went to exceptional lengths to have you tracked and photographed. Sounds like it is a bad relationship you have left behind. Forget them both and develop some self-confidence to move on.

[LittleFury]

I agree with everything said.
You you love him so much, you do not go out and cheat on them for 9 months. And if a person means nothing, you do not continue wsith them for 9 months. Also...once is a mistake, 9 months is deliberate. It is also cowardly, to run to another, instead of trying to fix things with "the one I love"
And I love Wally's question...
Is it over with "Zach"?

[ua322]

Cara, just move on and learn from your mistakes. Don't pour salt in this guy's wounds by prolonging this thing. The best thing you can do for him is to get out of his life.

I hope to God he doesn't feel the need to get back together with you. He would be much better off putting this in the past.