Anatomy of the breakdown of a marriage

[Fluffer]

This is my story, not a good one, but hopefully someone can learn from it...

I met my husband when I was 23 years old. He was 21 and we worked together. We started dating a few months later and moved in shortly afterwards, because my parents were moving away and he wanted me to be close by. Our relationship was fine. Sex was fine.

Two years into the relationship, he proposed. We got married a year later. I guess I thought I had cold feet, but I do remember getting ready to walk down the aisle and wondering what I was doing, was I making the right decision? We left the wedding and drove up north and stopped at a motel. I didn't even want to have sex on our wedding night, so we didn't. I barely wanted to have sex the whole week we were on our honeymoon! That became a pattern for our relationship.

Less than a year after marrying, we moved in with his parents while our house was being built. It was a tiny bungalow with only 1 bathroom. Not good for newlyweds. I became somewhat depressed while there from that situation, but also because we found out my step-father had cancer. He ended up dying less than a year later.

We finished the house later than expected and had spent TEN MONTHS with his parents, when it should have only been three. That didn't do a whole lot for our relationship. I was still depressed once we moved into our new home and wasn't really into sex. I did try counseling, but not for too long.

Looking back, I wonder how long I'd really been depressed. I'd put on a lot of weight, even before we got married, and really didn't want to go out a lot.

So, here we are in our new home. We're working and living and everything seems reasonably okay. We got a new bed. A king size bed. That bed enabled us to sleep together, but not have contact. We stopped kissing each other good night and snuggling.

Next, we decided to get a dog--a beautiful greyhound! Boy did we love that dog and he got to sleep with us. Right between us. Then we got another one. Then another one. It got so that when we came home, we were more excited to see the dogs than each other. Did we even kiss anymore? Probably not, expect during sex, which wasn't happening a whole lot. Maybe once a week, like on a schedule.

Also, it seemed that the longer we were together, the less he wanted to do around the house. I was still depressed and it seemed that I was thinking, "If he doesn't want to do anything, then I won't do anything, either!" I would let the dishes go. The bathrooms would stay dirty. No sweeping. No mopping. Yuck--you can just imagine.

I would have blow ups about it, too, trying to tell him that I just wanted his help. I would scream and holler and cry that I either wanted a wife of my own or I just wanted to die so that I could be reincarnated and come back as a man. Pretty funny now, but really sad at the time.

Anyway, we'd grown so far apart and I was lonely for attention and unhappy. I was overweight, but loved to flirt and still found men attracted to my sense of humor. I decided to try to lose weight.

I was attracted to a man at work. We were having a company happy hour and found myself hoping something would happen. Well, nothing did happen--with him. But something happened with another man... We had been talking for a while that night and were very interested in each other. We were just standing there, looking into each other's eyes and he said we shouldn't be doing this and I said I know and...we kissed. It was electric. To this day, he still says it was the best kiss he'd EVER had. I felt the same way. So, we kissed a couple more times and that was it.

At work on Monday, he was nervous that I was going to get him for sexual harrassment. Little did he know I wanted to see him again! We would talk at work, in his office. Then we got to writing each other notes. Then we started e-mailing and IM'ing when we had the chance. Eventually, we started seeing each other outside of work--before work, at lunch, after work. Usually at least 3 times a week, sometimes even more, if I was lucky!

We began to get very close. We talked on the phone a lot and our conversations were turning deep. He spoke of thinking of being with me for the rest of his life. We eventually said "I love you."

Problem was, he is married, too, with 2 children. We ended up seeing each other for 1.5 years.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my husband and I had been trying to conceive a child, with no luck, for 2-3 years before this relationship...

So, what ended the affair? An unexpected pregnancy... I wasn't sure I could get pregnant and he, supposedly, had slower swimmers or something. ONE LITTLE SLIP IS ALL IT TAKES!!

I am now 5 months pregnant and preparing to go through a divorce. My husband does not want me to leave. He said he can't help but think that everything happens for a reason and that maybe this man was supposed to be a surrogate so that we could have a family. That breaks my heart. I had to tell him no. I love him, as a friend, but know that I cannot spend the rest of my life with him. That would not be fair to him or me.

As for the other man, he says he told his wife about me and the baby and they are going through counseling to figure out what the best course of action is. He said he told her he is in love with me and wants to see where our relationship could go, but I think that they will stay together, especially after 18 years of marriage.

So, we're both still at work, but not communicating on the advice of his counselor. I told him this from the beginning, too, that we shouldn't have contact while he's trying to determine what he's going to do, but guess he needed to hear it from someone else.

It's extremely painful and I feel alone, abandoned, but I have no one to blame but myself. Eh, you get what you deserve, right? On the other hand, God willing, I will have a beautiful baby, the one thing I have always wanted in life. I do believe everything happens for a reason. But was I supposed to go through this twisty turning life to get to this point? What else is ahead for me? I don't know, but the baby is kicking me right in the bladder, so I'm going to end this and run potty!!

Thank you for reading. Please, no flames.

Forgot to mention, my husband is a wonderful man, but he is just not "the one" for me. (I could write him a letter of recommendation for any future women in his life!) I don't know if I'll ever find the right person, but I know that I just couldn't stay in this relationship where neither of us are happy. I have family and friends that tell me it's okay to be in a relationship that is like friends or brother and sister, but I don't think so. I just can't continue living this way.

[bruins76]

Okay, let me say this...if I come across w/ flames it's not on purpose BUT I am in the same sort of marriage that you are in. Not much affection, not much sex, 1 time a week AND that's if I initiate it, he NEVER help's around the house or w/ the kids and his ex wife is a nightmare. I could so easily leave and cheat, get that spark that you feel when you first get w/ someone (which is a proven fact that you can't get that adrenaline spark after 2 year's being w/ someone, physically, chemically impossible)...I have a friend who cheat's on her husband all the time and it's cause she craves that spark. That's a problem that a counselor need's to help w/ cause it's a condition and something that can be cured. So forgive me here if I come across w/ flames, I take a lot of this personal cause aside from me cheating on my guy, you and I had/have the same problems in our marriage. The difference is...I would NEVER cheat, no excuses, no justifications, period. With that said...I'll comment on your post.

[QUOTE=Fluffer]
We got a new bed. A king size bed. That bed enabled us to sleep together, but not have contact. We stopped kissing each other good night and snuggling.[QUOTE=Fluffer]
The term "we" shouldn't be used here cause you are the one who also stopped kissing him before bed at night or make an effort to cuddle. It take's 2, why should he have to do it all the time? Maybe he felt like you didn't want him cause you were depressed etc., so he wanted to give you your space and not push you away more?


[QUOTE=Fluffer]
I would have blow ups about it, too, trying to tell him that I just wanted his help. I would scream and holler and cry that I either wanted a wife of my own or I just wanted to die so that I could be reincarnated and come back as a man. Pretty funny now, but really sad at the time.[QUOTE=Fluffer]
Okay, NOT funny is right. Now your blow ups weren't effective and I am sure your counselor said this to you already but talking to someone by attacking them or yelling at them, they get on the defensive side so they just heard yelling, not what you need or want. Did you ever try to talking to your husband about what you need in the relationship when you weren't so fired up? Have you and your husband gone for marital counseling? What have YOU done to contribute to the breakdown in your marriage? You said you were/are depressed and gained a lot of weight, did you go to therapy for your depression? perhaps take some antidepressants? (I take and do both BTW), what did YOU do for YOURSELF? Did you join a gym & get physically active to lose some weight & feel better overall? Sounds to me like you let your life run itself into the ditch here and running into the arms of another man...OMG, so not good. What did you said to yourself that made it okay to kiss, talk or sleep w/ another man other than your husband? Being lonely for attention, then you go to YOUR HUSBAND not finding yourself at happy hour w/ a man from work. How would you feel if your husband was at happy hour cheating on you? Cheating has to start somewhere, whether it's chatting online, emailing, phone conversations, letters, drinks after work...all those are signals that something is gonna happen and don't say that you had no intention to letting it get there cause continuing to talk to this guy and meeting him for a drink after work, well...you knew what you were doing. Craving for attention is NOT an excuse, either is depression or gaining weight. If that was the case me and my man would be cheating all over the place.



[QUOTE=Fluffer]
Problem was, he is married, too, with 2 children. We ended up seeing each other for 1.5 years. [QUOTE=Fluffer]

Are you kidding me? You got involved w/ a man who was not only married but has kids? Sorry but that's so wrong I can't even begin to go there. Cheating is bad, cheating w/ a man who is married already, waste of energy cause they aren't gonna leave their existing wives to get w/ you, why should they? They are married w/ kids and they are getting sex on the side w/ no string's attached? Do you know that this happens ALL the time and they never leave their wives? And "if" they do...you'll never trust each other cause you met each other cheating on your spouses, how could you trust a guy that you know has it in him to cheat on his wife WITH CHILDREN?!?!? OMG...sorry but he was/is wrong and you are wrong too. This is a mess, the entire situation is beyond messy.

Now you mentioned you were trying to have a baby w/ your husband (whom you were so unhappy w/) why on earth did you want to do that? If your marriage is already unhappy, a baby is gonna make things 10 times worst. Now your pregnant w/ another man who is already married to someone else. Have you thought of this man's children? How they will feel once they find out that their dad is leaving them for this strange lady (who is NOT their mother) to be w/ someone who they WILL consider a homewrecker (sorry but it's the truth) they WILL never accept you or your baby, period. I say this cause my man has been divorced from his ex-wife for over 6 years and his 8 year old son has issues w/ me cause I am not his REAL mommy and I am more proof to his 8 year old mind that his mother and father wont be getting back together. And this is happening in a healthy situation w/ therapy...I can't even begin to tell you the issues/problems that you WILL experience w/ this guy's kids and wife w/ you around.




[QUOTE=Fluffer]
I love him, as a friend, but know that I cannot spend the rest of my life with him. That would not be fair to him or me. [QUOTE=Fluffer]
Very true....he deserve's better than a cheating wife who is pregnant w/ another man's child. He deserve's someone who is going to love him the RIGHT way.


[QUOTE=Fluffer]
As for the other man, he says he told his wife about me and the baby and they are going through counseling to figure out what the best course of action is. He said he told her he is in love with me and wants to see where our relationship could go, but I think that they will stay together, especially after 18 years of marriage.[QUOTE=Fluffer]

Do you know for sure if this man told his wife? How do you know? What wife in their right mind knowing that their husband has cheated on them and got another lady pregnant would STILL be w/ them? This is not normal, I doubt he has told her...if he has and she does want to be w/ him then she is insecure and something is going on w/ her. I would ask for proof, like talking to his wife yourself. Sorry but that would be the only SURE proof that I could see.


[QUOTE=Fluffer]So, we're both still at work, but not communicating on the advice of his counselor. [QUOTE=Fluffer]
VERY good advice.


[QUOTE=Fluffer]It's extremely painful and I feel alone, abandoned, but I have no one to blame but myself. Eh, you get what you deserve, right? What else is ahead for me?[QUOTE=Fluffer]

You are in pain cause you created it for yourself. I don't know why you wanted this to happen or if you were just too young to see the consequences of your actions. I feel very sorry for you, you have a long & hard road ahead. Those poor kids didn't deserve this, his children & your soon to be new born baby, they are in a mess. You are gonna be in a hard situation, that's the bottom line. I'd be seeing a therapist and getting on antidepressants VERY soon after having that baby, cause it seem's like it could help you out. I know it helped me....it continues' to help me daily.

GL and I hope everything work's out for you.

[Fluffer]

Again, I posted this so that people could learn from my mistakes. They are all mine, no one elses. If anyone sees theirself in my story, even REMOTELY, whether you're the one pulling away or being pulled away from, please do something about it. If you want to save your marriage, go to counseling. If you don't want to save your marriage, end it before you hurt the other person anymore than you possibly already have.

[bruins76]

Well if you posted to have other's see themselves in you...you definetly made me think. I am or was in the same boat as you at some point...and there are many times that I "wonder" what's out there or if the grass is greener on the other side sorta speak, KWIM? Reading your post made me see what could happen...how I could hurt someone and what I could get myself into.
You said so yourself that your husband is a wonderful man, just not for you. I am sure that you feel horrible about what you are doing or have done to him. I only hope that you can move forward, get the help you need and he needs, cause it take's two to make mistakes and not fix them "the right way".

I give you credit for posting this cause it take's guts to admit that stuff you have done and should have done and what it can get you into if you don't fix it before it's too late.

I hope it all turn's out for you. Regardless the love you will have for your baby will be amazing, irreplacable and by far the best feeling in the world.

Take care
~C

[WallyLlama]

I'm quite sure a number of people will have trouble resisting the urge to advise and to judge... I'm admitting that there are a couple of points I'd love to make! LOL

Relationships are funny things, but they are always about relating... and it is interesting how quickly that can be forgotten.

With that, I'll say "thanks" for sharing your story... and only comment that I do not necessary agree that we always get what we deserve. I think we get what we earn. Life or fate does not control our destiny, we do.

Maybe the hard part is figuring out what we want and believing that we deserve it. Not that it's necessarily easy getting it once we know. Hmmm. The greater mysteries of life...