I hate her friend

[matadorrrrrrr]

Hello,
I am a 20 year old college student and last year I met an amazing girl at school. This is my third serious relationship, but probably better described as my first adult relationship. We hit it right off and have been going out for 9 months now. However, I have a problem that for me is really putting some strain on us. We were both transfer students to school, that is how we met, and in our quest to met other students our age she befriended a student we will call Bob. Now Bob is not a very quality guy. He really doesn't have many friend because he is very rude and can be a joking jerk, saying harmful things at others expense. What has always bothered me was his attitude toward women. He has a girlfriend at another school, but it is common knowledge he flirts around and treats her like crap. For some reason my girlfriend and her friends befriended him, and against the advice of my friends decided to do the same.

One night at a party my girlfriend kept calling him trying to track him down because the group we were with kept trying to meet up with him and missing. After a while however this triggered a jealous side in me. After that I began noticing how often they would grab food on campus together or go out to eat. Now I go to a very small school of just over 1000 students so its understandable they would eat regular. But often it was just them or maybe one other person, and some weeks she ate more with him than me (partially because of my work and class schedule). I let my girlfriend know i was a little uncomfortable with that and afterward she began including me more and I made an honest effort to befriend him. I saw no reason to uphold my jealous feeling when I knew my girlfriend was not interested and I trusted her, even though i strongly suspected he liked my girlfriend.

About a week before school my efforts exploded around me. One night we were all hanging out and I was feeling sick so called it an early night. I couldn't sleep however and went back, only to walk in on them all obviously talking about me. I didn't like this one bit. Later I ask my girlfriend what he was saying and she gave me a sugar coated answer. Another friend of mine told me the next morning he was saying I wanted to engage in rather vulgar and perverted sexual acts with my girlfriend. My girlfriend tried to say he was just making his usual jokes but to me it crossed the line. My friends had to stop me from storming to his room and beating him up. For a week I fumed, and everyone knew I was pissed but her never once even apologized. I was left feeling very betrayed. And since that time I have been unable to let go of this pure sense of hatred.

What started out as some uneasiness about his relationship with my girlfriend now has turned into something more. I feel like he attacked my honor and integrity, the two most important things to me. I don't tolerate betrayal by friends and simply cannot stop thinking about getting my revenge. I have always been a level headed rational person. I don't get angry easily, I have never been in a fight and I normally am quick to forgive, but this is a new feeling for me. Even now 2 months later the mere mention of his name or seeing a comment on my girlfriends myspace from hims just enrages me. I know this isn't healthy for me, and puts my girlfriend in an awkward position. I just want him gone from my life, and for him to stay away from my girlfriend, but I know its not fair or right of me to tell her not to be friends with someone, but at the same time I cant stand them being friends, because her friends essentially become my friends. What should I do to not just help myself but prevent this from becoming the Achilles heel of my relationship with the woman I love.

[WallyLlama]

Ummmm.... I hate to be the one to say this, but it sounds to me like you are mad at the wrong person. You might want to remember that the reason this guy is "in your life" is that your girlfriend wants him there. By your own report it also appears that she wants him there more than she wants you.

I'd say that's what you are really angry about. Getting rid of him isn't really going to improve your relationship with her very much. Relationships are supposed to be about relating and how you handle different things together.

What you should do in simplest form is talk to her about the situation and what you should both do about it.

Be prepared to not like her answer.

[batman527]

Wally nails is here, guy.

Since you mention how important integrity is, remember that integrity is doing the right thing always, even when nobody else is watcing. "Revenge" will get you nowhere in this situation, and if you're serious about keeping your integrity intact, you'll just forget about this incident with this guy. If all he can do is sit around say nasty things about you, who gives a damn what he says? He's just a little pansy that says nasty things, and that's all he'll ever be, so just let be a little scum sucker. Who cares what he says?

[bruins76]

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

Ummmm.... I hate to be the one to say this, but it sounds to me like you are mad at the wrong person. You might want to remember that the reason this guy is "in your life" is that your girlfriend wants him there. By your own report it also appears that she wants him there more than she wants you.

I'd say that's what you are really angry about. Getting rid of him isn't really going to improve your relationship with her very much. Relationships are supposed to be about relating and how you handle different things together.

What you should do in simplest form is talk to her about the situation and what you should both do about it.

Be prepared to not like her answer.

I totally agree w/ this post.