My Wife has no sex drive, help!

[ennieip]

Having a great deal of problems here. I still have the sex drive of a 18 year old (in our 30's) and my wife has given up on sex completely. This is a HUGE problem. We have sex 3-5 times a month. During those 3-5 times she has zero enthusiasm. I feel like I have tried everything, I do all the non-sexual things the books tell me to do. I clean up around the house, take care of the kids, send flowers, play with her hair, the list goes on. I tried spontinatiy but that NEVER works (literally never). The only time I can get her attention is just after her period and then if I miss that oportunity I have to wait a month!!!

[Luvs2plzU]

That seems to be an epidemic blazing it's way across the entire GLOBE...I think WHO(world health organization) should do a comprehensive investigation into this situation!!

[Brandye]

What can be said. If you look around here, you will find several similar threads. There is something going on beyond the non-sex. Time to get someone to help with the communication.

In Chick Chat, there is a lengthy thread on Female Sexual Response. I think you may find it, with all the posts, interesting and insightful.

[chinook]

I was married for 5 years and when we first got married. We used to be like rabbits. But as time went on it became less and less. Till it got to the point of once every couple months. Then my brain got thinking was it me what could i do to change. Or what have i done. An so on it also got to the point to where i would walk up behind her and just give her a cuddle and a kiss on the neck. i still would not get a responce. Well we ended up in separate beds. Still not underststaninding what was going on.But i was patient and not pushing the issue (of making love). I tried to be understanding I dont really think my ex was really understanding what was going on either. It was like a was a plauge or something.As it turned out in one of the passing moments when we did make love she got pregnant and had a miscarriage.(this happened a couple of times) and always ended up about 7 weeks on the pregnacy she would miscarriage She went to the doctors and got some blood tests done and found out the she was hypoglycemic and her hormones were way outta wack. which would also explain mood swings and stuff. Well we ended up getting a divorce for other reasons not cheating or for the reasons above we just grew appart. But one thing i did learn though was that dont be pushy or anything just be understanding and be supportive.I have now got remarried to my soul mate she is a fantastic woman. We are not that sexually active Because she has medical isues we have been married for 5 years and in the 5 years she has had about 8 surguries for ovarian cysts but she has no ovaries ( had a full hysterectomy) But apparently if not all the ovarian tissue is taken out the remainder of tissue can create cysts. so needless to say We are getting it sorted out hopefully my new wife is going in for surgury again in a couple of months and we will see how that goes cause she has more cysts. I guess in a nut shell what i am trying to say is dont condone your partner for his or her actions just be supportive and things will work out. Just be there for them cause im sure if it was the other way around they would support you. just be happy that you have the person of your dreams cause not many people ever get that chance . just appreciate the time you have together even if it is just cuddling. And always tell your partner how much you love them. this way if anything ever happens atleast they know they were loved . sorry im not the best typer.

[Fluffer]

I had gotten that way with my husband...barely wanted to have sex. I just was not attracted to him. Yes, once we got into it, for the most part, it was fine and dandy--he knows what to do to get me off. I just was not interested in sex with him. Unfortunately, I'd felt this way for a looong time.

I ended up having an affair for 1.5 years with a man, got pregnant quite unexpectedly and hubby and I are in the process of divorcing. Even more unfortunately, the other man is married with 2 children already. We are not going to be together, again unfortunately, but will now have to raise this child separately.

I suggest if you're having issues, you bring up marriage counseling. There is something that is causing this rift between the two of you and it's better to address it now, than wait until it blows up like it did for me. Good luck to you.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by ennieip

Having a great deal of problems here. I still have the sex drive of a 18 year old (in our 30's) and my wife has given up on sex completely. This is a HUGE problem. We have sex 3-5 times a month. During those 3-5 times she has zero enthusiasm. I feel like I have tried everything, I do all the non-sexual things the books tell me to do. I clean up around the house, take care of the kids, send flowers, play with her hair, the list goes on. I tried spontinatiy but that NEVER works (literally never). The only time I can get her attention is just after her period and then if I miss that oportunity I have to wait a month!!!

Welcome to the club.

I personally identify with your entire post except that I never get it more than about 2 times per month.

Does your wife take medication such as antidepressants or anything like that?

[bruins76]

Well if you are doing the stuff around the house & taking care of the kids & stuff then I don't know what is going on. If she is on antidepressants that CAN hinder a sex drive (I know from experience) BUT regardless of my lack of being able to have an orgasm as quickly as usual doesn't make me want sex any less to be honest.

Is she depressed? Has something changed dramatically in her life? Has she gained weight? Has she lost something like a job or is recently unemployed? SHe may have personal issues that only SHE can deal with. I only wish I could say more but you are doing everything that you would need too to make me happy & my hubby doesn't do ANY of that and I still want him every day and I am lucky to get it 1 time a week...some people have small sex drives.

[ennieip]

Your replys are all very interesting, I see allot of talk about cheating and divorce on other forums. As far as I am concerned both are out of the question. As far as depression and weight gain, she is far from depressed, she has not needed a job for the last 8 years, she stays at home with the kids and I work at home in my office. She takes no medications at all (not even the pill). We just installed a huge pool and she seems very happy. For some reason I just can't seem to get her engine started. I am sure it is a hormon issue but I don't know how to address it. I asked her to see a doctor and of course when she did the doctor told her that she is fine (what the crap, this isn't fine!). Maybe both of us being at home is the problem, I see her all throught the day. I am starting to think that maybe the problem has to do with her not thinking about me/sex on a daily basis.

[bruins76]

Originally Posted by ennieip

Your replys are all very interesting, I see allot of talk about cheating and divorce on other forums. As far as I am concerned both are out of the question. As far as depression and weight gain, she is far from depressed, she has not needed a job for the last 8 years, she stays at home with the kids and I work at home in my office. She takes no medications at all (not even the pill). We just installed a huge pool and she seems very happy. For some reason I just can't seem to get her engine started. I am sure it is a hormon issue but I don't know how to address it. I asked her to see a doctor and of course when she did the doctor told her that she is fine (what the crap, this isn't fine!). Maybe both of us being at home is the problem, I see her all throught the day. I am starting to think that maybe the problem has to do with her not thinking about me/sex on a daily basis.

OKay you say that she is far from depressed...how do you know that for sure? You say she has not needed a job for the last 8 years and stay's home w/ the kids. A) that is the equivalency of 3 full-time jobs so I am wondering does she get treated like it's not a "real" job from either her family, the kids and or you? Sometimes men (not all) think that being a stay at home mom isn't a "real" job and b/c they aren't taking in the $ that they aren't contributing to the household as a whole. Do you recognize what she does for you w/ the kids? If you aren't a guy that take's her for granted and she doesn't feel like you resent her or that she resents you then I'd say perhaps she need's to get out more. Being a SAHM for 8 years and you work from the home too...I think she need's a break from being A) a mom B)a homemaker C) a wife & be able to focus on herself, like sending her away to a spa for a mini vacation w/ out everyone and maybe a good pal that she likes?

IMO, I think you guys are in the house too much and the fact that she has been home for 8 years and you are at home too...I think that's the problem. AT least that is what I am reading into from your last post. If that is not the problem and you've talked to her directly about this and she says no to all of the above, I'd recommend couple's counseling, date night or ladies night for her. If she is always w/ her kids and husband, she has no time to "recharge" and actually miss/want you. KWIM?

Hope this helped
~C

[hands_off_the_goods]

Something I can say about low sex drive from experience is that if she has any anxieties or depression or even certain medicines it can cause low sex drive. If this seems possible then go about trying to fix it. I'm not good at this part because all of these are a touchy subject. You may be able to ask someone with more experience or even a doctor.