Should Porn be allowed??? long but please read...

[bruins76]

Me (30) & my man (32) have a busy life, each have kids from a previous marriage (5, 8) & just had a baby together this past May. I need to set the stage up here so I apologize for it being long, please read, I need advice quick or I am opting to stray on my man.

Our sex life has never been where "I" wanted it to be (I have a high drive). My man's always tired (work's a lot, drive's a lot, coaches soccer & w/ the kids it's a long day). His ex-wife is a nightmare, always dragging him into court for more $ etc. Plus we're in the process of buying a house that need's an extra 50k of work. Main thing here is stress...

I love sex ...if it were up to me we'd have sex @ least every other day if not every day. I've "settled" for sex to be every week...but if I wait for him to initiate the sex, it's more like every 17 days.

Sex for me is 2 things, A) relieves stress & B) I associate sex as intimacy w/ my man, I feel closer, connected etc. On the flip side, when my man is stressed, he doesn't think about sex, he's more into eating & sleeping.

My man listen's to Howard Stern on his Sirius radio every day (which he pays for), in fact if I call him on his way to work & disturb his "Howard time" he quickly want's to get me off the phone. I used to listen to Howard Stern "when" it was on the regular radio & didn't mind it, thought it was funny...but now that it is a paid program, they do a lot more w/ the show, girls are having sex, they are riding the infamous SIBIAN (sex toy thing) & getting off.

When my man come's home he goes to the Howard Stern website & he read's stuff & look's at pics but usually they are of the gals that were on the show getting off...(perfect 10, fake blonde, fake tits & super thin)...I'd see his history on the PC cuz yes I would check up on him (trust I know)... finally when I had the baby in May I flipped out cause here I was 40 lbs overweight, NOT blonde, NO fake tits and NOT super thin anymore...so I felt upset, betrayed...like he wasn't attracted to me etc., basically my hormones are STILL out of whack. Now my man is deleting his history because he saw how upset I got & said he didn't want to hurt my feeling's anymore. Then I got pissed cause I couldn't view his history either. I know, he can't win either way.

Another thing is my man was viewing HBO's late night sex/porn (which I admit I did too). Finally I decided to end it, I had HBO shut off & put a block on my website (password protected that only I know) to keep him from viewing the Howard Stern site since A) I pay the bills for both the TV and the DSL but it's my PC so why should he be using MY PC to view crap like that?

Now...I watch porn myself, I'll admit that, I masturbate too. The thing is "if" my man was taking care of me more than every 17 days I wouldn't be looking at porn & I know that "if" I masturbated it would be less than 1 time per month "if" he was taking care of me. But since he's not...I watch porn (when he's NOT home)...& I masturbate (when he's NOT home).

The thing is...I know it's normal to masturbate, I know porn is normal too...but I feel like if he is going to do those things then shouldn't he be taking care of me too???

I'll say this...I know that men cheat/stray cause they usually don't have the sex they want at home OR they need to fill a void that they aren't getting at home. Women stray because they are lonely & want someone to pay attention to them. I have told my man MANY time's that this whole lack of sex thing bother's me and yet he hasn't changed his behavior.

His reasons for not having more sex when I'm not pregnant are the following:
-too tired
-stressed out
-sick
-migraine headache
-if I am bitchy it turn's him off and sex is the last thing he wants to do w/ me(rare by the way)

His reasons for not having sex while I was pregnant:
-he was turned off by the amount of pain that I was in all the time
-awkward w/ a big belly etc.

Now...I know for a fact that he's NOT cheating on me, I know he is tired etc., but my thing is he obviously find's time to masturbate (yes I've been checking his underwear & found evidence of this...damn hormones after you have a baby make's a gal do CRAZY things) in the morning's when he goes into the TV room by himself and he obviously has a sex drive cause he like's too look @ these playboy type chicks online.

When we first got together he'd spend his morning's in bed w/ me & we'd either cuddle or have a quickie...now he get's up, goes in the TV room and that's the end of it. I realize that we aren't a new couple anymore & thing's aren't going to be as "passionate" but am I missing something here? Is there something else I should say to him or do? I don't understand.

I am so used to having to push men away from having sex cause they were always "in the mood" but w/ my man, it's not like that which make's me feel insecure & bad about myself. My gal pal said when men get older their drive goes down & it's normal unlike a 20 year old man, okay I get that but if he has a lack of drive why is he STILL taking care of him but not involving me that much? Why not want to have sex w/ someone that you love (who is READY & WILLING) vs. masturbating alone? Is it because he's turned off by me or is it because it's quicker to get the job completed alone?

I don't know what's normal anymore, I am very insecure (Not like me AT ALL) and need some serious advice.

Please help!
~C

[sexyand17]

ok well im 17 and a virgin and it may not seem liek much but i know a thing or two about men. i know that mens sex drives go down at an older age and yours would be high at this point in your life. i cant understand why on earth he would decline a woman who wants to **** him that bad to go and masturbate to fake **** on the internet. i think that if u want to replenish your sex life maybe u need to try new positions if u havnt already ummm maybe tease his cock wtih your hand a bit in the morning while hes just waking up. if he really doesnt want a tease then just go all out sucking him and see how he feels about that. hmmm if u have any more specific problems just mail me or something ive got 2 messengers so im free. i hope i helped even a little. so ill reply later

[bruins76]

Oh I do all that... and I know for a fact that I am good at my craft when it come's to getting a guy where they need to be or get off etc.

I guess we are in a different league being is that A) the age B) the stress of life C) 3 kids...1 being a new born and D) it's not all men think about after they hit 30 I guess... which I've always dated older men and never had an issue w/ this but I guess his drive is lower than norm. He's told me that in the past he never left home cause he had such a high drive...meanwhile...I feel like crap cause now he's w/ me and has no drive?!?! He said it's not me, it's just life and age... But uhm..now that I am hitting 30 my drive is like a 17 yr old boy.

[Ryouko]

I have a little bit to add but it has to be short, I am about to leave. Sometimes people decide to masturbate instead of sex because they have total control over it. They can go as fast or as slow as they want, fantasize about whatever they wish, and have some privacy. I would try to not be offended

[bruins76]

That make's sense... I think I am overly emotional cuz I just had a baby, my body has changed (stretch marks etc) and my hormones are all over the place.

When me and my man were first dating we used to talk about this stuff all the time & he told me that he masturbated every morning...like part of his routine, brushing his teeth etc. We used to discuss back and forth and I was honest about my personal satisfaction and how I did that too. I suppose I've been in a fairly-land thinking that once you are in a committment and live together w/ kids that you don't do that anymore? We are all human, it's natural...

I guess I need to take some more Xanax (anxiety) meds.

[Brandye]

Well, the Xanax may help you accept the situation but will not help with the larger proble. I am struck by the number of posts lately by women whose men are 'net focused rather than spouse focused for sex.

You two have several real life events overwhelming you. You are in the post-partum slump and he is adjusting to too many kids in the house. The difference between two and three is significant - as you have noticed. You are at your sexual peak (in years if not today) and he is well beyond his. This is not insumountable but is an element of your problem.

Given what little history you have, I assume that the 7-year itch is catching up. This may be a good time in your lives to see someone whocould help you re-eastablish communication and the old spark. If he is not willing, go anyway - you will have learned something about the relationship and you need someone to listen right now.

[bruins76]

We've only been married for 2 years, his 8 1/2 year old son is from a previous marriage and doesn't live w/ us...my 5 1/2 year old son is from a previous relationship & he does live w/ us...we just had a baby together last month.

I do seek counseling, weekly actually, been now for many years, more than 10 to be honest. I am in the middle of PPD and I know that things are evolving cause of our lives and how much they've changed in our relationship since we've met.

I have asked my man to seek counseling w/ me many times and he's never said no but not yes either. Everytime I bring it up he seem's uneasy. I am willing and wish he would go. I said to him "just once, can you go just one time?" I feel like we need it. Although I talk to him and communicate my feelings he's not getting them/hearing them and even though he tries to reassure me, I don't get it either...we aren't speaking the same text anymore which is why I feel a professional 3rd party would help wonders!

Thanks for your advice
~C

[messedupmarriage]

I hope this helps...My hubby and I have gone through VERY similar situations...even smashed an entire computer system because I thought I was "competeing" with a machine! I'm not a violent person by any means, but similar to you, I was "spying" on him and found that he was watching Gay porn guy/guy **** more than he was having sex with me. I was furious! I went a whole month without, went on a trip to Canada with my folks and my kids, meanwhile, he stayed home because he said he had too much work to do, and I found out later that he didn't work tha tweekend at all! I was again, furiuos. I think the internet has become the demise for many relationships, if not the fire starter for most marital fights.
I have over time (after replacing his computer) gotten over some of it, but I am in the same boat. He has since cleared out all history to prevent me from snooping and the "trust" issue has really broken up our communication. My fault for snooping, his fault for not taking care of my needs.
You're deffinitely not alone out there. I think I've even checked the underware a time or two as well. Yeah, having kids makes women a lil nuts, but I think lack of sex makes them even crazier!
I have had to accept that he masturbates, and I have had to accept that I wil NEVER be able to compete with porn stars of any gender (although I consider myself more than average in talent). My hubby is in his late thirties and has a sex drive of a 17 yr old, I on the other hand have fallen so far out of touch with myself and our sex life that even masturbating myself seems drone.
Know that you're not alone, and know that he loves you and what you have, but men are sexually different than us. They could screw your brains out and tell you how beautiful you are to them the entire time, and when it's over, they still want to go to the tv room and jack off to porn.
I hate the interent for those reasons, and porn as well, because as much as it is a useful tool, it is as much a hinderance for relationships.
Good luck, keep your head up, keep yourself satisfied, and keep attempting to lure him in. I have 3 kids myself, and although I am a lil over weight and have the stretch marks too, most guys would rather have the girl with a lil extra padding versus the skinny bitches that will f**K a horse! Find comfort in the fact that your story really does parrallel many others!

[johnlove]

I think what you're really encountering... is something my wife and I have encountered also. And probably most married couples...especially with kids. That is... (and this is not meant to be a generalization) women I believe will have different sets of priorities after a baby is born. This is reasonable and should be expected of course. It becomes very difficult to arrange...or schedule...or even to find spontaneous time for sex. Women go from being a wife first...to being Mom...and diaper changer...cook, cleaner, etc... and probably don't get enough appreciation for all you do around the house. I try every way I can to help my wife...from doing laundry, doing dishes, taking out the trash, helping to clean...even watching the kids and keeping them out of her way so she can read a book...take time to go to the grocery store...clean the house (a chore she insists she do on her own). And generally this works great. Anyway...long and short is, it becomes very difficult to work in the 'love time' and communicating about sex especially. From a man's perspective...it feels 'selfish' when she's got all this stuff she deals with day in and day out... for me to burden her for sex. We went through this with the first baby and we've gone through it now with the 2nd. BUt now that the baby is almost a year, life is getting easier. Anyway... I think what you'll find is that things will settle down. But don't go the way of distrust... let him know that you realize he looks at porn. let him know that you'd rather he looked at you...or rather that he played with you better yet. Jealousy over porn is in my opinion ridiculous... Personally I have NO Interest to be with those 'Fake" women...I prefer to look at the women who look real...like my wife in fact. Though I guarantee I'd much rather look at HER ... it's just that porn in effect is a 'safe' fantasy. No obligations...no diseases... no emotional connection (to a degree)... So rather than ban it... incorporate it. That's easier said than done because he'll not want to bring something into the bedroom to watch on the DVD that you would be offended by...and vice -versa...but talk about it.

[Jill B]

We are older, in our 50s, and up until 3 years ago, the sex was almost non-existent. At that time, I did accidentally find emails and computer history that suggested more porn activity than I had ever realized. I confronted him and after some talking, our sex life actually got hot. I have always craved it more than him but was getting lots of rejection. He thought I wasn't interested in sex. Serious communication flaws, I know. Anyway, the great sex has waxed and waned since then. When he gets bored, he's back to the porn sites. And it's not just viewing. He's downloading hundreds of pictures and videos. He's got profiles on a couple of adult "friend" finder sites. When I confronted him in March this year, he says again that it's all talk and just a way to relieve stress. I have tried doing different things that he likes/wants in an effort to keep the hotness. Now that I know what I've been missing, I can't even masturbate. Even though he clears the history every day, there is still one spot that it shows up. Even though he has a "locked" drive for his downloads, it is possible to search and see what kinds of stuff is new. I'm torn between the checking up on him and confronting again. I'm torn about the porn itself. Should it be legislated a bit more? I'm truly appalled when I see how easily any child/teen can access some of this crap. Anyway, I struggle with this issue daily and have no one to talk with about it. That's why I joined this board. It seems like there is lots of good advice/support here and honesty.