I read "How to win her back" but I really screwed up!

[superted76]

I read the article that was posted on this site, but I am not sure that is all that I can do. I am trying to trust that it may work but I fear I may have screwed up so badly that it may take some more work.

I have been with my wife for 10 years, 3 of those being married. We have had our little break ups and even some big ones. There has always been something that drew us back together rather quickly.

About 8 months ago I met a girl at work who seemed to have an interest in me. I decided to ignore the interest and maintain a friendship with this girl. No, I did not let things get to a romantic level. However people who saw the relationship made up there own opinions and one day while I was at work decided to take it upon themselves to tell my wife about my new friend and what they thought was going on.

Now, I know I should have told my wife about this friend. I was completely wrong for not doing so right away. Looking back I also think that the knowledge of her interest in me should have been a red flag. Coulda, woulda, shoulda!!!

My wife filed for divorce shortly after and it has been 3 1/2 months. She has asked me to come home and try to work things out about 3 times. One of which was 3 weeks ago. She even sent me the papers to sign so that we could drop the divorce. I have a terrible trait in which I do not act quickly on these types of decisions. I sit on it a little while and think of the pros and cons. On the Friday before fathers day I decided to let her know that I wanted to come home and be her husband and love, honor, and cherish her for the rest of our lives. She seemed to want nothing of it. She seems so bitter and resentful of me that I am lucky is she even talks to me.

I would do anything to have her back. She is the love of my life and I would do anything, ANYTHING, to have her back. HELP!!!

[WallyLlama]

Let's see if I get this...

She filed for a divorce based on a couple of rumors?

Then she decided not to divorce you and attempted to reconcile (3 times)?

Then you decided to ignore her three efforts to reconcile?

Now you've decided you want to reconcile?

But she's decided she doesn't?

Ummmmm... this reminds me of that question "Can this marriage be saved?"

There's an assumption in the question that there's a marriage to save. Assuming there is, the only right answer is "If both parties want to save it."

In your case, I might add "AT THE SAME TIME."

You're not going to win her back, because the underlying problem you both have is just that -- you're making it about winning. You want her back when it suits you. She wants you back when it suits you. You both need to break the cycle and stop competing. Stop trying to win each other back.

MAYBE one way to do this would be suggest you not decide whether or not to get back together, but you decide to involve a third party (counselor) to help you decide if you should be trying!

[superted76]

Thanks for the speedy response on that. I guess that is one way to look at it. I guess what I am having trouble understanding though is the whole concept of time. How does someone fall out of love or change their mind about something as important as their marriage in just 3 weeks.

I am trying to just leave her alone and see what happens. I have pleaded my case to her and she knows how I feel, now I guess the next step is to let her move. Right? I truly believe that there is a marriage worth saving.

I am not trying to win. I was trying to make a decision on how to proceed. I signed the paperwork the day she sent it to me. I just wanted to make sure that she and I could move forward and go back to where we were. Do you happen to know anyone with a time machine? LOL

[superted76]

Sorry, I meant "not go back to where we were."

[WallyLlama]

It's important to remember that people are built differently. Some people simply don't have a strong time orientation. She may not be thinking about time at all... and she might be asking herself the same questions from a different angle.

In the third step of my synopsis, you refused her atttempt three times. Are three refusals any worse than three weeks? How can someone refuse three attempts to save their marriage?

My underlying point here is that there's probably a lot more going on for both of you than you realize and you're still caught up in who's right and who's wrong. That's bunches different that wanting to fix things.

Maybe you are right about it being up to her now. You've both been tossing control back and forth.

I would not leave her totally alone. I would find gentle and perhaps subtle ways to remind her that you want to build something with her. Stir in a little romance. When's the last time you sent her flowers?

Hop into your time machine and treat her the way you did before you were married... romance her, court her, seduce her.

[bruins76]

First off having a friend at work is okay...as long as your open w/ your wife about it (which you didn't) so now the trust for you on her end is shattered, do you blame her? How can she trust you on major things when she couldn't even trust you to tell her that you had a "friend" at work if there wasn't anything really going on?

What you guy's need is marriage counseling...you have communication issues, trust issues and God know's what ever else. If you and your wife really want thing's to work out, you need a to see a therapist and talk.

Hope it works' out!