Threesome sex does ruin marriages

[messedupmarriage]

Hello all. This is my first post. My hubby and I have been involved in bi-male threesome sex several times. We were members of a couple of sites for the purpose of "hooking up", and just recently I decided that the emotional baggage was too much for me to handle any more. I am not homophobe, nor am I bi, however, my husband is. He tells me that he can live without having another man, but this is who he is, and since we've stopped having extramarital sex, our sex life is drab and vanilla as he calls it. He tells me sometimes during sex that there is no chemistry anymore (which completely kills any mood I was in to have sex in the first place) and that its just vanilla. We have one child that is ours together, he has a 17 yr old that doesn't live with us, and I have two boys from my first marriage that also don't live with us. I am going back to school and stay home to raise our 3 yr old. When it comes time to finally get showers and have time together, I'm really more interested in sleep than sex. He says I have cut him off completely. I'm not sure if the depo shot has anything to do with my lack of sex drive, or if it is a reality that since I have already opened pandora's box and experienced some "alternative" sex, that now I'm not impressed with sex of any nature. There is no emotion in sex for me any more. I know that if we go back to having multiple partner sex, which is really more for him than me, we'll find some kind of false chemistry from the mere fact that it's hot! It's the aftermath that I can't deal with. I feel used and whorish. He has no qualms with his conscience, but I can't help but feel like our sex life hinges around absolute kink. Don't get me wrong, I'm as kinky as the next gal, and there isn't really anything I haven't tried at least once or more. So, My question is...do I go along with it and pursue this alternative lifestyle with my husband, even though it's all about him, or do I stick to my guns and go on wasting away sexually? We have GREAT sex with other people, but when he wants to talk about it afterward, I don't have anything great to say because of my hangups with my conscience. So, the thrill of having a more meaningful relationship has failed to result from threesome sex. And all it really does is feel good for the moment, and we're not taking anything good out of it for us to grow. He grows and enjoys it, and for me, it's all just Co*ks and Pus*y to me now. It's like it's killed all inventiveness and emotion for me. I don't think I could be more messed up over this, and our marriage is largely based on sex. Please help me. I love my husband and want him to be happy, but I fear that his happiness is too selfish for me and my standards, and I've done a lot of bending to accommidate his desires. Sorry for the length, but I want to be fair to both of us, and not just complain about my situation. I want change, and I don't want to divorce over sex, but I'm affraid that after the party, and everyone goes home, it's just me and him, and there's nothing there. We're like two good friends that have sex with other people and can't stand each other when it's just the two of us. We have had many fights, and he said over and over that we would "shut it down" if it started to mess up our marriage. When we did shut it down, it's become my fault that our sex life is vanilla. I can complain with vigor, but when it comes to expressing what I like, I fall short with enthusiasm and words. I'm not a talker during sex. I moan groan and get loud, but the sex talk is limited to the yeah's and Oh baby, or get it...I don't know how to say what I want done, and this really bothers him. I'm not comfortable even with a stranger to talk like that let alone the one person I should feel completely relaxed with. Please, any suggestions or advice would help.
I have already read all the post about threesome sex, and we're past that stuff. It's a question of do I go without, or do I suck up my convictions and at least enjoy having sex? Or is it all in vain because the damage is done.
Thanks again, Melissa

[Brandye]

There is some chance that the depo shot has depressed your desire but you are talking about issues that go well beyond anything that could do.

I am aware that there are swining clubs and other group sex clubs or whatever. I have no idea what the results are for the various people involved. I have never know a woman or couple who have not paid a severe price in their marriages as a result of threesomes. You have read the posts here, so you probably noticed that those considering threesomes have rosy outlooks but those who have had threesomes are all less than rosy in their descriptions.

With a bi- huband who feels only satisfaction with these experiences and you going into a depression, I suggest counselling. For you first and then as a couple. We each have our limits and cannot expect to be comfortable beyond those limits. It soulds like you have given it a fair chance and it is only getting worse. A counselor can help you sort out what is and is not worth your energy.

An obvious alternative is to have a couple's "normal" relationship and allow him some roaming experiences. This has two weaknesses: the obvious is that risky sex is involved: the other, is that this could not be part of your life together and would likely be a force for separation rather than integration.

See a counselor.

[learning]

I do agree with brandye in all the above but would like to throw an additional alternative into the mix; that of voyeurism, many of these swingers clubs are frequented by couples who do not practice threesomes or partner swopping, but prefer to have sex in the same room as other (like minded) couples, either as the "centre of attraction" or alternatively as just another couple having sex in a room shared by two or more couples. This will provide the opportunity of being able to "share" the sex of another couple without the physical infidelity.

I hope this makes sense!

[WallyLlama]

Yep... it's fascinating (and tragic) how sometimes couples will go out of their way to avoid being together. For example, I know a couple who between work and travel and having friends over and... well, they are never just together alone. It's pretty apparent why -- they actually don't like each other very much.

I sometimes think the entire threesome/swinging scene is exactly that... couples who don't "like" each other finding a way to ignore and compensate for it. So many of the posts on here are about "getting closer" and "spicing things up." I've never quite understood how being intimate with others creates more closeness... and there a myriad of other ways to "spice things up."

There are some important truths to stir into this, including the fact that relationship health is closely linked to individual happiness. ("If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." LOL) That link ideally allows current to run in both directions. Ultimately, everything gets all wrapped up together and it becomes very difficult to separate things. ("I wanna be happy but I can't be happy til I make you happy too" gets sung as a duet.)

Sex should not be an end unto itself -- at least not consistently. It is a way of communicating that sometimes gets used like a drug where the message gets lost in the excitement... then the excitement becomes the point and it - or the lack of it - becomes the message. One might speculate that "needing" a third to create excitement has become addictive.

Counseling might help you discover that there are more options other than going without or sucking up your convictions. But you have to discover that together.

[messedupmarriage]

Hello again. I appreciate the suggestions. We have discussed going to the swingers club near us, but every time I suggest it, my hubby says that he won't be able to be around that many naked people having sex and keep his hands off. He says it's like going to the candy store and walking out empty-handed.
I have also suggested that he go on his own and explore his sexuality. His reply to that, "It's like being single without the fun." However, I'm very concerned about him bringing something home that will kill us both. We have bigger responsabilities than sex to tend to (our kids), and I feel that it is selfish to allow sex to come before our well-being.
There is a huge misconception that by practicing "safe sex" one avoids std's. While in a threesome, every time a position is changed, the condom must be changed. There is no "safe sex" during a threesome. I contracted a severe throat infection because we thought we were practicing safe sex, however, the $4,000.00 emergency room bill is a constant reminder that it's a falicy that condoms protect you.
I have become the porn star that every husband desires. I have allowed everything sexually to be done to me, and I have explored most everything that can be done on others. It's become so physical to me that we've lost any kind of emotional connection. I'm the porn star and not the lover.
I never thought that by opening pandaora's box would lead me to this lack of imagination. But then, here we are. My hubby is very sexual, and I believe that I was once too. Hopefully, being in my "dirty thirties" I will one day regain that sexuality. But for now, I'm still searching.
I would sincerely hope that for those in a serious relationship or loving relationship, they would reconsider threesome sex. It's a hot thing, I won't lie, but it does kill something for some, and by reading the posts, I believe that it's the emotional connectedness that dies in the process.
Threesome sex is a perpetual pool of conquest. Always searching for the next big thrill. Eventually, eating the same flavor of ice cream becomes mechanical. This is so opposite of most relationships that it's almost comical. Most married people complain that sex with their spouse has become boring and has lost it's spice. Try being on the other side where sex with others has consumed your sex life as a couple and warped your inspiration to have better sex with your spouse.
I feel bad for my husband. I liked having threesome sex. I don't get thrilled by the guy-guy aspect, and even almost repulses me. Unfortunately for my husband, I can't relate to his desire to be with the same sex. It is in this unrelatedness that I go along with threesome sex reluctantly. Likely because I don't want to stiffle his needs and I don't want to be a victim of infidelity. If he's not getting it here, statistically, he'll go elswhere to find it.
I have an open mind, and I've been doing my best to see sex from others perspectives in order to check my own. The opinions I have formed over the years either by experience or by influence have led me to where I am now, and by reading what others opinions are allow me that open mindedness to explore other insights. I appreciate all you thoughts, and would like to take the most from every situation to grow.
BTW, Wallylama...Is your quote from da Vinci?
Thanks all!

[orchid]

i think maybe you and your husband should try to not have sex with anyone for a while in order to repair the emotional connection between you.

i must admit, i am one considering a threesome, and even reading through some of the posts about it not working out, every situation and relationship seem so completely different from my own so i still have not drawn a clear conclusion about it. in fact, it almost makes me think it might work for me, and if not, i believe our relationship is strong enough that we could rebound from a bad experience.

[WallyLlama]

Nope... Frederick Neitzsche. While I don't agree with all his philosophy, that particularly quote has such simple elegance! (I assume you meant the quote in the sig line.)

If I might expand your "eating the same flavor of ice cream..." point?

If you REALLY love ice cream and find it pleasurable... and decide to embark on a campaign to eat a different flavor of ice cream every day... eventually you'll get sick of the ice cream either because you've had too much or you've run out of flavors to try.

It's overworked, but the entire "life's a journey -- not a destination" idea fits into this... in the ice cream example the destination of eating every flavor spoils the journey.

Another platitude: Be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it.

[messedupmarriage]

I agree that the conquest for different flavors makes the ice cream after a while seem more like goat's milk than Ben & Jerry's. I don't want different flavors, I want desert when it's appropriate. My hubby is the one that wants the group sex.
To Orchid...My husband and I were in a very trusting and open relationship. We figured that our relationship could handle the art of threesome sex, however, after a while, that consumes your sex life, and as far as being able to rebound if in the event it goes sour, I think you might be in for a surprise. My husband loves me, and I love him. He in fact suggested that before we even started having extramarital sex, that he did this with his last wife, and it didn't work. He was VERY leary of doing it with me for the same reason. I prompted the initial conversation, and he went from there to the swingers sites. After three years of swinging, bi-male, and threesome sex, we are left with this situation we're in now. We had a secure relationship. No jealousy, no fear, no inhibitions. At some point, this type of sex has consumed our sex life. Will that same scenario happen to you? Maybe not, but statistically,it doesn't make for a long term relationship.
Do I think that you should really condider how long you want to be in a "happy" marriage, YES! You may remain married, like we are, but you lose something unless the experiences are balanced and everyone involved doesn't become addicted to this alternative sex.
Most of the couples that we have met over the past three years, are no longer together. In three short years of this "lifestyle" we have seen more distruction after the party than we've seen these couples gain any enlightenment in their marriages.
It seems glamorous and kinky, and it is, I feel that it should be done outside the marriage or loving relationship. My husband loves watching and joining in when I'm with another man, I unfortunately cannot say the same now.
Ask yourself, how much will seeing your husband with another woman or man turn you on? If you are completely turned on and there is NO sense of jealousy that rises up, at all, then consider it. If there is the slightest inclination out of either of you, DO NOT!
You can't unsee or erase what you do with the one's you love. Remember, jealousy is like drinking poison and hoping that it kills the other person. Our situation does lack jealousy, however, at some point, for me, it's lost its thrill, and there isn't much left that we can explore now that hasn't already been done. And we're in our thirties. If it's like this now, I only wonder what it will be like in another two years (if we make it that far) or in fifteen years. Good luck, search your heart long and hard for what you think is right for YOUR future. Like Wally said, Be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it. And you may end up with goat's milk rather than yummy ice cream. Take care.

[orchid]

you make a very good point, and me and my boyfriend have talked about a lot, and i know we need to talk about more before we seriously consider it, but it's not completely off the table. i am not a jealous person at all and it is something we both want, so it's not like either of us are forcing the other into it.

at this point, when we talk about it, i think it is something more likely to bring something to our relationship rather than to take it away. i think one of the major points about it that differs from your situation, is that neither of us want it to become a regular thing in our sex life.

we'll see how it goes, but at this point, it's still just being discussed, far from actually happening soon.

[WallyLlama]

Hmmm... "MessedupMarriage" is a lot to type... but "messed" isn't good... MUM? LOL Anyway, I sincerely hope you will stick around and keep posting. You clearly have much to offer - not only because of your experience, but because of your insight.

It seems to me that people forget that relationships are not about sex. The cart gets put before the horse... and the mentality becomes "we have to have exciting sex to improve our relationship." (The thread that's paralleling this one is a wonderful example of that!) Listening to the fantasies on this board it sometimes sounds like people think having a threesome will somehow "prove" the strength of their relationship. "I can handle this; our relationship can handle this."

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do something. That's a lesson our society in general would do well to learn.

To Orchid: a threesome will clearly bring something to your relationship. You'd better be sure you are going to like what it brings. It's called "risk and reward."

I rarely post details about my relationship, but I will share this... there was a time when I thought threesome sex sounded pretty hot. But I fell in love in ways I never dreamed possible... and now my life and my being is committed to getting closer, more intimate... "inside" her. We can't for the life of us understand how bringing somebody along on that journey would aid the mission we share.

I'm not suggesting that people who want threesomes aren't in love. I am suggesting that wanting a threesome can be a misguided attempt to accomplish something that can be done a number of other ways. I'm also suggesting that couples would do well to consider what the purpose/mission of their relationship is and then test activities against that.

Now that's exciting!!! How do I want to see my partner? How do I want to see the "us" that is the basis of our relationship? How do I want to see myself? What is it we are really trying to build and what fits and doesn't fit into that? How am I going to affect this person I love and how will that person affect me?

You start answering questions like those and you probably won't have much time or energy for a threesome.

I happen to love analogies... we've done ice cream. LOL How about this? If you want to be smarter... you can study. Or you can cheat. Cheating is probably faster - it's definitely more sexy and exciting that studying. But does it really make you any smarter? There are lots of different ways to study... maybe trying those ways can be exciting and "sexy." Don't focus on the word cheating, just see the point that when you know where you want to go it gets a lot easier to figure out how to get there.