Fantasies during sex--is this one OK?

[willingatforty]

I recently found out my H had a 2 year physical affair with a coworker. It was stemmed from lack of attention from me after having 2 babies 14 mo. apart. I was a new mom, fat and tired, lacked energy or drive to pay attention to anything other than those babies and myself.

We are on the road to reconciliation. His affair is over. She moved away. We are seeing a marriage counselor and are regaining our love for each other.
My concern is this, since finding out about the affair, I have become very horny for him all the time. On infidelity websites they call it hysterical bonding sex. However, he is still not that "into me" yet and says it will take time.

When we do have sex it is great and he seems to be "into me" and can please me but not make me cum. I have continual fantasies about him with the other woman in a "turned on" kind of way and not the usual "that disgusts me, I can't believe you cheated on me" kind of way.

I am wondering if this seems odd or weird to anyone. I can only orgasm when I think about them being together and often it is thoughts of me joining them or watching and directing their sex. It really gets me hot, but on the other hand disturbs me.

Any ideas? He has mentioned us having a threesome, should I explore?

[ageless_gypsy]

I could be wrong, but I say go for it if that's what turns you on.

[ORANGE]

Here is my two cents


No you’re not weird.

I have felt that way too when my X cheated on me with another. It is a feeling of powerless. Sex is enjoyment and power of trust. This is one of the way you may be dealing (the lost of trust with your sex partner) with him cheating on you with another woman. I went through it for about three month trying to find out what can I do to make her happy.

What I find out is not what I can do to make her happy but what I can do to make me happy. I found myself. I am more then sex and god give and takes from us all. My time, my self worth and my love is worth more then the other person needs. You will always wonder if your lover really cares. For me I no longer care. Life is hard enough. I barely find the time for my own goals much less give my time to my X promiscuity. As they say you can forgive, but you will never forget.

[ORANGE]

I would suggest not doing anything just for this lost of trust. Remember he hurt you and not you hurt him. Giving into his unjust desire is not worth your self esteem. Find a place of balance. Go out with your girl’s friend, work out. Give your self some goal and time to heal from the lost.

I hope things work out for you. Remember what does not kill us make us stronger and more focused on what we need to do.....

[WallyLlama]

Whoa.

No threesomes. There is absolutely no logic that would suggest that's a smart move, particularly while you are in the middle of "regaining your love for each other."

I'd suggest you consider staying off the infidelity web sites. Focusing on the problem won't fix it; you need to be looking at solutions. (That's why you are going to a counselor, right?) It might seem a subtle difference, but this needs to be about a healthy relationship between the two of you, not about infidelity or a lack of it.

It's entirely possible that you are "horny" for him because you are regaining that love while still dealing with what happened... It may take a little longer before you "see" yourselves totally together. One of the things that is wrong with the advice to "remember he hurt you and not you hurt him" is that you both got hurt. Recovering from that hurt will happen at different rates for each of you... and I suspect your counselor will encourage you to keep discussing your rates of recovery.

Sex may include power and enjoyment, but sex is also communication. The effort you are making to analyze why might be better spent on what you both want to communicate. Fantasies are fantasies... they don't always make sense and I'm not sure there's value in justifying or rationalizing them. It would seem to me that you are simply transitioning from one type of relationship to another better one. It will take time.

Given that you are on a positive path, I'd urge caution when seeking advice on forums and web sites. Turn to each other, include the counselor when it seems important...

[bruins76]

First off, I have 3 kids, just had another one 2 mos ago. I know what you mean about being tired etc & having extra weight on you but that give's your hubby NO right to cheat on you, period.

I am glad that you are willing to work it out and seek counseling. I wonder though why is he having a hard time getting into you? I mean, he should be kissing your butt and trying to please you in every way possible (in and out of bed) to get you back in his life and win back your trust and love. Why is he not into you? just doesn't make sense. Did he say it's cause you have gained weight or is it cause of something else? I just don't understand.

When I was recently pregnant my hubby wasn't into having sex w/ me cause I was always in so much pain, walking, sitting, sleeping, my back he said that watching me be in so much pain was a "turn off"... Then after I had the baby watching me breast feed just made him feel weird about touching me and my breasts knowing that his new born was feeding off of them, he feel's that they are no longer a sexual thing, more of a baby thing.

Now the whole thing about you wanting him more now I can understand cause you want and need to feel loved and you are associating love w/ sex. I've been doing that for years... if I don't get sex often I think "something's wrong w/ me, he's cheating on me, he doesn't love me etc." And when we do have sex I feel so connected to him emotionally and although I have orgasms frequently it's not always when we have sex, I don't always want sex to get off, more to reconnect on an emotional level, KWIM?

THe part that you are having fantasies about him cheating on you and that's how you are getting off...wow...I dunno about that one, very weird, have you asked your therapist about that one? I think something is not right w/ that.

As far as exploring into having a threesome..don't do it! I've heard so many people say that once they do it they regret it and the jealousy is awful and they can't get past it and it ruin's them. My hubby want's a threesome so bad, in fact that's his big fantasy...he's always talking about that when we are in the middle of getting off...which annoy's me cause I have NO desire for that. My fantasy is more getting double penetrated by 2 guys at the same time, never have done it and I don't think I ever will.

I'd ask your therapist about this whole thing on you having these visions that you have when you're having sex.

GL

[Fluffer]

I would not be pursuing a threesome. You need to get your relationship back on track, IF that's what you both want. Are you seeing a counselor separately as well as together? You both may have issues that are not easily spoken about together. Definitely speak to your therapist about this and see what their thoughts are.

Okay, now I'm going to speak a little bit as "the other woman." I'm trying to think of things that the man said to me... He was unfulfilled. Unhappy in his marriage, but only staying because of the kids. Had lost the "connection" in his marriage. When we first started seeing each other, he told me he and his wife had sex 3-4 times a week. By the end, a year and a half later, he told me he couldn't recall the last time they'd had sex. He would give her the old excuse about equipment not functioning well. (He is 42--it could happen!)

Our relationship is a big mess now and they are trying to work things out, well, at least they're going through counseling to see if they're going to stay together or not. After 18 years of marriage and 2 kids, I'm sure they will. I now picture him and her together and wonder if they're having sex, etc. I was never jealous of his wife and their relationship while we were having the affair, but now I am. I hate to think of him having sex, or more importantly, being intimate and connecting with each other how I want to be connecting with him.

bruins76, tell him he can have his threesome--it'll just be him, you and ANOTHER GUY!! I'm sure that's not quite the threesome he's looking for...