space issues

[ageless_gypsy]

My bf and I have been together for just over five months. We don't live together but I spend a lot of time over at his house. He is an introvert and likes to spend a lot of time alone. My problem is this. Most of the time lately he has been ignoring me. I'm not sure he means to, but he gets so enveloped in his world that I feel completely neglected, and then I get angry and then I get angry at myself for being angry. He says he needs more space, but I already feel like if he paid any less attention to me there wouldn't be a point in calling him my boyfriend. I miss being shown affection on a regular basis. Am I expecting too much?

[dancingdoc2]

Is your boyfriend an engineer? I have a couple in my family and this is exactly how they behaved for years and years. Even if he is not, based upon what I have observed, you can expect that his behavior is so ingrained that it will not change. You have to accept him and his pecularities or move on. I suggest the latter because the hand writing on the wall says that you will be a lonely woman if you decide to stick it out. Why would you want this for yourself? If you are unhappy, now, think about how exasperated you will be in a decade or two if you stay even that long. Now, add children to the mix and see how much time he has for them and you. He simply cannot split his life into that many segments. It is not in his capacity to do and is how he is "wired".

You can try counseling; however, in my never to be so humble experience and opinion, he cannot change what he does not acknowledge, and he probably does not believe there is a need for change. He is quite happy in his comfort zone and probably expects you conform to his way of life. If you sign on, then who has the problem, then? Here is another thought to ponder: Whatever amount of time he is giving you now, is an outreach from what he is probably going to give you later once he has bagged and bedded his catch--you. I'm sure he is an otherwise nice fellow, or, why would you be attracted; he is just not the match made in heaven that is best for you. Say, thanks but no thanks and set your sights higher and broader. Look for a man who has more than enough time for family and friends, hobbies, and work.

[ageless_gypsy]

Thing is, when we are spending time together and not just in the same room, I couldn't be happier. I have never wanted anyone more than I want him, and I'm not sure I would be happier if I moved on, even if I wasn't as lonely.
he isn't an engineer, he's a computer geek. And he's one of the most intelligent, insightful, well-adjusted people I know.

[dancingdoc2]

Apparently, not so.
If you read your two posts you will see contradictions.

[Brandye]

Imagine the same relationship five years from now. Make a decision.

[ageless_gypsy]

Made. Maybe if I give him what he needs, he'll give me what I need. If not, then it's not going to work, but it's worth trying. Thank you for your advice.

[learning]

I disagree with Brandye, maybe there is something on his mind-whether it be personal or work related. This could be a reason, over and above that I have been married for 8 years and although i mix alot, still enjoy time alone to the point of distraction. My wife understands this as part of me and accepts it despite not always being happy with it. These "quiete" alone times which i cannot heplp can surface at the most inopportune moments and unless I satisfy them can get me really unpleasant to be around.

My alone time is generally brought about by memories thought etc which I just don't necessarily want to share with anyone. I am not for a moment saying that my situation is the same but maybe an angle that you can consider. My wife is very partial to sitting together etc at every opportunity and although i love and respect that it does not always make me comfortable.

That all being said, a relationship is about compromise! From both sides.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by ageless_gypsy

Made. Maybe if I give him what he needs, he'll give me what I need. If not, then it's not going to work, but it's worth trying. Thank you for your advice.

Golly, that sounds like bribery! While a certain amount of trading is necessary in any relationship, it's not a very good basis... and it's amazing how many couples don't seem to know what the basis of their relationship is.

It would be unfair to suggest or guess what the basis of this one is... but if it becomes about bartering for attention and affection that doesn't bode well for the long term... consider this: what if he gives you some attention so you'll leave him alone and he can have his "space?"

Seems like maybe there's a conversation that needs to take place about remaining individuals in a relationship... how much of self, how much of us, how much of each other.

[ageless_gypsy]

Wally I think you misunderstood. The reason I feel this way is because he is an introvert, and social contact of any kind takes a lot of energy out of him. During his alone time he has the chance to rejuvenate that energy and is better able to give me the quality time I need. Lately what we've been doing is i will spend a couple of days at his house, during the first part of that we hang out together, then we just sort of hang out in the same room, both doing what we enjoy though not paying much attention to the other, and then I spend a couple of days at my own house to give him time alone. It has been working to the benefit of both of us, as it keeps him from feeling smothered, and me from feeling neglected.

[WallyLlama]

Maybe I did misunderstand... but I'd still caution against letting some "introvert" condition rule the relationship. Read your original post.

Where is this diagnosis of "introvert" coming from and what, exactly, does it mean? Many people who are somewhat introverted ironically are very good at forming close relationships with selected individuals.

Also, bear in mind that there's a difference between being introverted and having some degree of social anxiety.

A degree of both can be very normal.

If this introversion or social anxiety is interfering with healthy relationships, intervention is necessary, probably in the form of therapy. Certain amounts of give and take are necessary in any relationship... but I think you'll find it very difficult to continually accomodate this. Much as you describe social contact taking his energy, you are going to be using up yours "waiting" for him to have the energy for you.

Since you've got it working now it's not a huge issue, but if you want this relationship to deepen it could become one.