I get more attention from builders than my boyfriend...

[parrotfashion]

I live with my boyfriend of nearly 4 years (he's 30, I'm 27). In terms of personality, nobody could ask for a better guy - he's bright, funny, caring - but things just don't work in the bedroom. We've always had OK rather than good sex and I don't know how to fix it, and I'm starting to wonder whether I can even be bothered to try any more, as my self-esteem has taken such a battering. He's quite content to have sex only once or twice a month, and he only ever seems to initiate it after we've been drinking. I'd like it more often, but then cos he's so not bothered, I feel like I'm forcing him into it which feels really unsexy. And when we're having sex I find him quite passive and selfish (and he comes really quickly!) - I believe he loves me, but he doesn't seem interested in finding out what makes me tick sexually.

We've talked about it a lot and he seems to listen and be worried and promises things will change, but they never do. Have I put too much pressure on him by telling him I'm not satisfied?! Also sometimes I can't help crying after we've had not-very-good sex which obviously compounds the problem, but I can't help it!! I feel like he doesn't think I'm worth making the effort for, even though he assures me that isn't how he feels.

The other problem is that the things he likes in bed (which I do for him) are not things I find very sexy. I wouldn't mind doing them (I do enjoy turning him on!) if I felt the effort was reciprocated, but it's not. And because it's things like watching me touch myself, or talking dirty, I sometimes feel like some kind of unpaid prostitute! This is on my mind all the time and I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me before all this resentment and sexual frustration boils over...

Is it stupid to throw away an otherwise great relationship because of this? I do still fancy him - I just want him to show that he feels the same way about me, but no amount of talking / buying sexy new knickers seems to work! Is our sexual relationship saveable??

[bunnygirl]

I can understand that what he wants you to do makes you uncomfortable. I also agree it could be fun if he were doing something to please you in return. What concerns me is that this is a long term relationship that is not working for you and he seems to say what you want him to when you talk about it, but he doesn't follow through. You also say that he is great otherwise, but 10 years down the road I would think you are either going to be roommates who don't have sex or you will be looking at someone who makes you cry after you have sex. Neither one of these seem like a rewarding relationship. I hate to be so negative, but it bothers me that he does not take your concerns seriously. Maybe he would be better as a great "friend" not "boyfriend".

[pozzolane]

First of all, thank you for posting such a readable blog.

It seems to me that there is something else missing from the relationship besides sex. I don't believe that the relationship can be "perfect" besides the sex life. There's something else missing. Such a low sex drive for him seems something to draw attention.

And your obvious dissatisfaction with the sex life (crying after sex) should definately be more of a concern to him.

[Brandye]

Either get the two of you into couples counselling or save time and go with the builder!

[WallyLlama]

Good advice so far... a couple of additional thoughts.

He says he wants to change; says he's going to change but does not. It's possible he truly doesn't know how (one reason for counseling). You may have to look for very specific changes that you want to make together. A perhaps silly example would be telling someone you wish they were a better driver. What does that mean? If he's truly interested in changing, you both should figure how a specific change... then another...

Secondly, remember that sex is just another form of communication. He may need to learn another language. (How you feel about some of his activities proves the communication point -- you know how you feel when you do certain things because you feel you are communicating something. An important and interesting question is what he's "hearing" when you do those things - and why that's so important.)

He's the only one who knows if you are putting too much pressure on him - and that's part of the problem. You both need to share the issues.

[parrotfashion]

Just wanted to say thanks for posting these, the advice is really appreciated!

[Brandye]

Parrot,

It is really nice for any of us to hear thanks once in a while. Thanks for the thanks!

[bunnygirl]

I agree with Wally now that I read it. He may want to make you happy, but just not know what to do. (I still don't like that you cry and he doesn't seem to do anything about it!). Good luck!