Communication is vital to a relationship

[finewine]

I heard a radio broadcast on www.family.org that was spotlighting a book called "Love Talk" by Drs. Parrott.
They talked about the 4 horsemen of communication.

Communication is so vital in any relationship especially long term ones.
It is so important to not close off the feelings level of communication.
The 4 horsemen do that. It can be a difficult cycle to break.

It starts with
Criticism --- You statements are used instead of I statements.
"You really are a stupid blonde." "I am frustrated and angry that you do not have adequate ammunition to get us out of this war zone."
Defensive response --- If you would have told me they had a platoon of militants I could have planned better.
Contempt response to Defensive -- rolling of eyes and character assassination. "You are going to make us late to the Detante because of your irresponsibility!"
Stonewalling response to Contempt -- nothing more is said or a resigned capitulation. "So??? What do you want me to do about it????(thought -- why bother, all he thinks about is himself... if he'd just.... what a *hole for not informing me sooner than he did!)
It can become a vicious cycle if it is not recognized.

Research has actually said that it is more often than not that the woman is more critical ( the birthplace of nags) and the man is more apt to stonewall (if I wait long enough or retreat to my computer, sports or tv, she'll stop nagging and go away -- birthplace of the lazy bum)

The conflict is not addressed and resolved. Instead walled off feelings begin to fester and kill any future positive communication with their emotional coloring. Both partners have a responsibility to understand the conflict, address it and resolve it. Love seeks the higher good of the other person.
The 4 horsemen are self-centeredness at its best.

For a person to find happiness in a relationship, love must both be emotional and rational, simply because we are emotional, rational beings.
Each person must put 100% into it the relationship for it to be successful.

Originally Posted by John Gottom

Successful Long-term Relationships
Criticism and defensiveness are found in all relationships. The difference is that a 'master of relationships' will notice that it is not going well and make a repair attempt. I studied what makes repair attempts work for a couple of years before realising that instead of looking at the person making it, I had to look at the person receiving it: what makes the difference is accepting your partner's attempt at repair.

I have always said that we must learn to see from the other's point of view.
Nice to see an 'expert' support my observation.

For example, I can go to the deli and see a beautiful woman there, and I can just get on with ordering my sandwich. Somebody else might think she was beautiful and then wonder what would happen if they told her that. They give themselves permission to cross a boundary, even though they're in a committed relationship. They think, what harm will it do? But the biochemistry of love can take over. In every close conversation you have, you secrete oxytocin, you create a bond.

Would a man give himself permission to cross a boundary if all was good in his relationship with his wife? Would he do that to seek that "hormonal" high?
Is this perhaps why there are definite years of marriage that are more prone to infidelity than other years?
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