How to get what I want?

[Julia]

Hi all,
I'd really like to hear any suggestions on how I can improve my love life. I am in a great long term relationship with a loving guy. He is the only guy I have slept with, and before him, I was sure that I was going to have a great sex life when I met the right person. However, even since the start of our sexual relationship, I have always been more interested in sex than him- and interested in more variation. This has been a big issue for me as when he turns me down, or doesn't make a pass in a while, it makes me feel unsexy, insecure, etc and sometimes i get really upset. We have discussed it a few times, and he says it was similar for him in other relationships too- ie the girl had more drive . He has said that sex is just not a priority for him and while he is very affectionate, he rarely seems "driven" by desire. At the moment, things are ok. -sex is maybe once a week, but I would really prefer it more often. I also rarely orgasm with him. My sex life is by no means bad, but I'd like it to be fantastic!

any ideas?

thanks....

[dancingdoc2]

> since the start of our sexual relationship, I have always been more interested in sex than him- and interested in more variation. This has been a big issue for me as when he turns me down, or doesn't make a pass in a while, it makes me feel unsexy, insecure, etc and sometimes i get really upset.

Hi Julia,
It is unusual although certainly not unheard of that the man exhibits less drive and interest in sex than his partner. I've seen the matter discussed before. My first reaction to reading this was "is he in love or in like with you"? It is possible that while you share in a good relationship, and while he loves you, he may very well not be "in love", and if true this will prevent the pheromones from flying as well as tempering the emotional connection required for great romance. Guys can and some do enter into relationships for a variety of reasons other than romance and can exist comfortably to a point. I am not suggesting that this is what is going on with him; however, it bears investigation, even though based upon what you say, next, it seems unlikely.

> he says it was similar for him in other relationships too- ie the girl had more drive.

How does he respond when you make the advances? Does he get into the mood or does he go along with just enough enthusiasm to make the moment happen? This is an important question because if he does get really turned on as a result of your making the first move, it would appear that he is capable of "performing" normally. If, on the other hand, he doesn't seem to get into the moment, I'd recommend that he see a specialist and get his hormones checked.

> He has said that sex is just not a priority for him and while he is very affectionate, he rarely seems "driven" by desire.

OK, but is this because of an inherently low sex drive, or, because he is more in like than in love with you? You need an answer to this.

Along with this is finding out why it is not a priority. I can understand having different drive levels, yet if once his motor is started, he doesn't rev up, then something is wrong.

If he does get turned on and is enthusiastic once his motor is running, then my next suggestion is to negotiate how many times the two of you make love. Usually, this is the recommendation when the reverse scenario is happening. Perhaps the two of you can agree on two or maybe even three times a week.

If he gets into the moment with you once things get under way, then I would also suggest that he try behaving his way to success. Very often, behavior can be changed by making a conscious decision and effort to institute positive change. This won't work if he is still mostly uninterested when you make love.

...just my thoughts on the matter. I hope this is of help.

[WallyLlama]

Just a couple of quick thoughts...

One, a "great sex life" isn't automatic because you are with the right person. Some technique is involved.

That said, the "sex life" of a couple often reflects the relationship. It is interesting, for example, that the title of your post is "how to get what I want" and your post includes his observation that sex is not a priority for him.

There's a song about meeting in the middle and that's what needs to happen here.

Two, you are going to have to accept responsibility for your feelings and learn that his lack of enthusiasm (or whatever) is simply that - it's not that you are somehow undesirable or unsexy. But at the same time, he will need to understand that his attitude does affect yours.

Sharing.

It's always about sharing.

You want your sex life to be fantastic... does he? How are you and he going to define "fantastic?"

You've got some questions to answer together.

[ua322]

Originally Posted by Julia

Hi all,
I'd really like to hear any suggestions on how I can improve my love life. I am in a great long term relationship with a loving guy. He is the only guy I have slept with, and before him, I was sure that I was going to have a great sex life when I met the right person. However, even since the start of our sexual relationship, I have always been more interested in sex than him- and interested in more variation. This has been a big issue for me as when he turns me down, or doesn't make a pass in a while, it makes me feel unsexy, insecure, etc and sometimes i get really upset. We have discussed it a few times, and he says it was similar for him in other relationships too- ie the girl had more drive . He has said that sex is just not a priority for him and while he is very affectionate, he rarely seems "driven" by desire. At the moment, things are ok. -sex is maybe once a week, but I would really prefer it more often. I also rarely orgasm with him. My sex life is by no means bad, but I'd like it to be fantastic!

any ideas?

thanks....

No offense to you personally at all, but God, I get sick of reading posts like this. There are thousands of sex starved husbands like myself out there who have wives with ZERO interest in sex. And yet sexual women like yourself end up with asexual guys like your husband.

Destiny is cruel...

[Luvs2plzU]

Dim the lights...fire up a few candles...
Put the Barry White music on and move slowly......I've heard people say..too much of anything is not good...can't get enough of your love babe...

[downandirty69]

im with you on this one ua322. i mean when we got married it was great. sex 2-3 times a week and kissing all the time. touching here and there. now its like she touches me and tugs on him and touches him and a sexually way. when i ask her about maybe she would like to go make love its nah. then she likes to kiss and make out and if we havent had sex in a week or two and i get horny its my fault and she doesnt want to have sex but just wants to make out. i dont get it. here one more. she loves when i go down on her. i love doing it but when i say honey you want to give back and all hell breaks loose. i cant ask that and its also only when im in the mood she tells me. even no couple days later she goes into the bedroom and get nude and says honey you want to play and im sorry i cant say no so i go in and do what i need to do and then she rolls over and says maybe later. sex is kind of the same way. i have to just about beg for it and when we do it for like 5-10 mins she thinks its great. i look at her and i just dont have the heart to say honey all you did was lay there. im the one who did all the work. i mean its like no foreplay hardly any kissing its just get right in there and go to work. i like to play, i like to have fun before the game starts. i just dont no how to tell her everything in the bedroom is not ok even no she thinks it is at that time. when she ask for sex i do it. when she ask for oral i do it. i do it because i think maybe it might be my lucky night and i might get some back. she tells me she hates oral but damn on some night when she does it i swear she could make a porn guy very happy. another thing is when we do actually have oral she stops midway threw it and act the same way as she does sex. was it good and i say in a weird way yeah knowing i just cant say anything right at that time cause it will start a war. i never had finsih once by her and i have only finished with my help. when she does it and we get passed the mid point im like yeah maybe this could be the night and i just get there and slowly goes away cause she doesnt no how to finish it off even no im trying to tell her in a nice way without pissing her off. later on i will try and say something but when i do its fine you got two hands take care of it yourself. i love her to death i would give her my last dollar to make her happy. when we do sometimes talk she says i no i dont satify you and she tries harder next time that only last for like two weeks then its back to the same thing all over. if i do hold out im only hurting myself. i dont no what i can do anymore. outside the bedroom its great. inside i dont feel good about myself and i get so depressed. i think its all my fault and im doing something wrong. just dont no what to do. cheating no way. i love her too much. divorce nah i cant do it when you love someone like i do. i mean she tells me everyday i love you and i no she does but in the bedroom i dont feel it. who knows maybe i just wrong and i should just shut up and take it like a man. i tried to clean up all the spelling error but if i missed something sorry i try harder. thanks for atleast reading it.

[2hot4him]

I'm married to a man with almost zero interest in sex-maybe once a month and it lasts maybe a minute or two......

I really need more than that (yeah, like daily and i could go for hours). He has admitted that he really doesn't want or need more at this point in his life. This has caused us a lot of problems lately. (He is also a lot older than me).

I have tried to teach him new stuff, and how to do things, like oral. No go (the oral was really bad, he tried but it was really a turn off, he would go for 10-15 seconds, then run off to brush and gargle... ..) Anything i would teach him would not stick...repitition did not work he would try for 5 seconds and revert back to his old ways.....or not at all. He is not willing to try new positions at all.

Guess you just can't teach some people, or they really aren't willing to learn (deep down inside). They are too afraid to change; it is scary to try new things.

[dancingdoc2]

> Anything i would teach him would not stick...repitition did not work he would try for 5 seconds and revert back to his old ways.

This must be an age old guy thing, or rather a guy thing about out old guys. I have noticed in dance classes, mine and others. I once had a very nice gentleman who began attending my classes and repeated them for over a year. He really enjoyed them, learned a lot, relearned everything time and again yet didn't retain a thing. When he practiced in class he would do the pattern correctly a time or two and then it was right back to his age old habits.

> He has admitted that he really doesn't want or need more at this point in his life. This has caused us a lot of problems lately.

Herein lies part of the trouble. It is not all about what he needs; rather, about what both you and the relationship require. Love making is the external expression of the love a couple has for each other. To be successful it must also be a partnership in which each person gives to the other. In doing so we receive. If the sexual relationship is managed stingily in a self centered manner, or, made to be all about what I do to her or him, then it is all about taking or stealing. There is a big difference between the two approaches. From what you say, above, this would seem to be about what he wants and not about the care and feeding of your relationship.

Guys fall into ruts and become quite content. If he is happy then he doesn't look much beyond his contentment to consider whether or not "if Mama isn't happy, then ain't nobody happy". Clearly he is not listening to you, or if he is, is not giving your concerns and desires much value; and, what do you do with that?

Dunno what to suggest other than to trade him in on two half his age.

How are his erections? Does he still do alright on his own, unaided? Does he use Viagra, etc., or if not, would this be of benefit? I'm thinkin' here that if he is having trouble in this department and has not fixed it then you might want to suggest he get checked out and have his doctor write a prescription if appropriate. I bring this up because I ran into a case on another forum in which the husband was too embarrassed and insecure about his ED to mention it to his wife or to take care of it on his own. So, they made love only occassionally and when he couldn't get out of it. She confronted him in a loving and caring way and they finally talked about it and he eventually did get checked out. He began taking "the cure" and their love life changed dramatically.

The medication did not put the desire back into their relationship. Please do not misinterpret what I'm saying. The meds fixed a physical problem common to the aging male and as a result, he no longer was insecure and embarrassed so the desire he did have was unshackled and allowed to flourish. I have no idea if this might be what is going on with your man or not, although, it might be worth investigating.

[2hot4him]

Doc, thanks for the reply. I'm sure he is "stuck in the old-guy rut routine." He is 57 I am 44. He gets his then leaves. That does create some problems. He is selfish in that respect.

I do believe he has some problem with premature ejaculation and even some ED as sometimes he cannot maintain an erection. I have asked him to see a doctor and possibly obtain some meds (i.e. viagra). He said he didn't care to take "drugs" and he can live without. I think this rolls back to his acceptance of his situation and possibly some embarrassment, also because of his weight, which has ballooned by over 75 pounds.

Right now, mama ain't happy. Every suggestion i make is met with resistance. It's very frustrating.

I have also noticed lately, he has an unpleasant odor coming from his penis (it's very foul). I make him shower daily (yes, I have to nag him about it). I stay in the bathroom and talk while he showers so he does wash well, but it still has an odor. I have made him wear a condom the last 2 times we had sex in case it was an infection. I was wondering what it might be from. He won't go to the doctor.

I'm sooooo frustrated (not just from the lack of sex altho that's a big part).

[Brandye]

If there is a foul smell coming from his penis you can be certain he has an infection. Urethritis and prostatitis are common in men though we women seem to get more infections as a result of how we are made.

A long untreated prostatitis could be affecting his sexual desire and performance. The diagnosis and treatment are quite simple - every doctor deals with these infections frequently. BUT, the infection will NOT go away on its own. You are wise to use condoms. It is not likely that he will infect you but will establish enough of a colony in you that he will reinfect himself. It may be wise for each of you to get checked and treated at the same time. And then use condoms, less than a fortnight, until your prescriptions are used completely.